As our mouths danced, I got the friction I’d been dreaming of. The hard peaks of my breasts brushed just right against the fabric of my shirt and his chest. Derek set a steady rhythm with his hips, and I met his pace, groaning into his mouth as the pleasure built inside me. I rode him. I was desperate for any scrap of contact, and just this much felt amazing. Soon I was on the edge, then I spiraled over, shuddering and gasping my release. He pulsed under me, both of us coming in our pants like a pair of horny teenagers.

A smile danced on his lips as he breathed my name. “Avery.”

I smiled in answer as I stared into those beautiful blue eyes looking up at me in adoration. A warmth bloomed in my chest, setting off the first flickers of panic as I crashed back to Earth. I blinked, inhaling a shaky breath.

What did I just do? I jerked away, rolling off him. Panic hit me full force, waves of it choking out the flutters of pleasant comfort I’d almost allowed myself to feel in Derek’s arms.

“I’m going to the bathroom.” I bit out the words, rushing to the hall. I hurried through my dark room, fumbling for dry underwear to put on in my bathroom. I’d crossed a line for myself, my heart, for us. This is fake. All of it. And here I was tackling him like a sex-starved hound dog. Maybe I could blame it on the romance novel? Sorry, Derek, I was horny because of the book. Thanks for the dry humping. Let’s go back to where we were? Fuck!

My flight or fight instincts kicked in, my adrenaline pumping as my body assessed the danger creating the ever-increasing panic inside me. The apartment felt too small, my emotions too big. I grabbed a pair of track pants, sliding them on over my pajamas. A hoodie came next, then I stuffed my bare feet into a pair of tennis shoes.

I listened in the hallway for Derek, the light from his room streaming through the partially open door. A toilet flushed, and I knew it was now or never. I shoved my phone and my key into my pocket, then raced out of the apartment door. It clicked shut behind me, and I stared at it for a long second. An image of Derek’s blue eyes filled with the pain I knew he’d feel when he discovered my absence hovered before me. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to protect myself.

Pushing aside the image, I spun away from the door, away from Derek, and rushed down the stairs into the frigid night. A driving energy propelled me. I walked along, hands in my pockets as I desperately tried to rebuild my walls, to put some distance between me and Derek. But the warmth of his touch lingered, the fiery passion of his kiss, the delicious tingles of pleasure radiating—

I shook my head, cutting off the memories. Instead, I thought about my dad. I pictured the day I returned home from the tour, how callous Mother had been about his diagnosis, how she’d just left him to deal with the onset of the mind-stealing disease on his own. I’d ran that day, too. Mother walked into the house, our screen door slamming in my face. I couldn’t handle the enormity of what she’d done, so I’d turned around, racing down the driveway, running until my side felt like a knife had been plunged into it and my lungs had a hippo sitting on them.

More images came to me. Daddy in his small room, tucked into his bed, staring at the TV like a mindless automaton. The blank expression on his face, not a trace of recognition in his eyes whenever I was introduced. And Mother, the way she dismissed all my emails, all my research.

My resolve thickened, and I found the strength to pull my walls into place once more. Only then did I turn around. Only then did I allow myself to climb the stairs to our apartment. I shucked off my shoes and the insulating outer layer. The couch was where I should stay, but the warmth of Derek’s bed called to me. And I wanted to test the strength of my walls.

My phone lit the way, and I stopped when I realized I had several missed calls, as well as a few messages. I flipped over to them, wondering why I hadn’t heard my phone.

They were all from Derek. No voicemails. His first text asked where I was and if I was okay. The second said he was worried about me, that he hoped everything was all right. And the third said he was going to bed, but to wake him if I wanted to talk.

I tiptoed back to his dark room, grateful for the reprieve as I slipped into bed next to him. His breathing was deep and even. A small part of me wondered why he’d given up so easily, why he hadn’t tried to find me or wait up for me, but I pushed it aside. That wasn’t what I wanted anyway.

My mind still raced, but I curled up on my side, away from Derek, determined to sleep. I focused on his breaths and the rhythm they held as my eyelids grew heavier. At some point, I drifted off.

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I found Derek staring back at me. “Holy shit.”

“Good morning to you, too.”

My brain scrambled to think of something, anything, but he beat me to it.

“Whoever came up with that phrase anyway? There’s nothing holy about poop.”

And it was so unexpected, so much like something I’d say, that I couldn’t help but laugh.

Derek smiled. “That’s better. I’m glad to see you in one piece. What happened last night?”

Panic flared in me, and my eyes darted side to side. I didn’t want to tell him too much, how I’d crossed the line I’d drawn for myself. “I just needed to think.”

A concerned frown crossed his face. “I get it if you need space, but you don’t have to run away to get it. You can just ask.” Those blue eyes studied me. He reached out to touch my cheek, a tentative, featherlight brush of his fingertips. “About last night…I liked making you come, that we both did.”

Holy shit again. He’d addressed it, just like that. I hadn’t been expecting him to be so direct, and it put me even more off balance. My cheeks were hot as I stammered out an explanation. “It’s just that stupid book. And I’m always extra horny before my period.” Wait, did I really say that? And my period. I quickly did the math. Yeah, that means my pile of shit is growing rapidly.

Derek stared at me like I’d grown three heads.

Embarrassed beyond belief, I eased out of bed, trying to stay on my side as much as possible. When I peeked under the sheets, I winced to see a quarter-sized red dot. I cannot catch a break. “Um, I’m sorry, Derek. It looks like I started last night, and there’s a little bit of blood on your sheets.” I sighed. “Let me go get cleaned up, then I’ll come back and wash them okay?” I started to back out of the room, unsure what state my shorts were in.

“Wait, Avery. It’s okay.” He paused. “I mean, don’t worry about the sheets. Can we talk about last night?”

“Right now?” I clenched my legs together, hoping I wasn’t bleeding down them. My first day was always heavy.

He nodded. “C’mon, I just want to talk. Please, let’s figure out what happened last night. Then you can run away with whatever excuse you can come up with.”

“My period is not an excuse.” I snorted. “Look, your sheets have a spot this big on them.” I held up my fingers. “That came from me. I have stuff going on down there I need to go tend to, or I’m going to have an even bigger mess. I can’t just stop the flow to have a little chat with you. It doesn’t work like that.” I huffed out of the room, thoroughly in a horrid mood.