Page 95 of Lesson In Forgiveness

“I don’t have any ulterior motives, Tabby. I’ll admit I wasn’t thrilled when you set your sights on me, especially after the shit with Elias. A few days in your company, however, and that changed. There is so much more to you than what they made you become. You deserve the opportunity to reach your own potential, not theirs.”

Tears stung her eyes and were quickly blinked away. “My potential isn’t in the bedroom, Grit; I think I’ve proven that. You are the one man I’ve ever given permission to touch me that way. Everyone else just took and took, stealing pieces of me. With you, it feels like I get some of those pieces back. Maybe it’s because sex is so tangled for me, and fighting so instinctive, but you just keep on being gentle and patient. I’ll never be sane, I’ll never wash the blood off my hands, but I can shore up some of those holes because of you.”

Grit lifted her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles. “I love you, little tiger.”

If God was real, she wished He’d grant her the ability to dig deep beneath the melting ice around her heart, to hack her way through the decrepit remnants of that vital organ, so she could say those words back to him and mean them.

“I’m not capable of love, Grit.” The remorse in her voice was obvious.

“You are.” Shaking his head, he slid his eyes in her direction. “The limitations you set on yourself have nothing to do with your heart, Tabitha. It’s bigger than you think, warm and giving. It will love if you let it, and I believe you already are—your brothers,” he reminded her when she scoffed. “Jasper, Archie, Alicia. Whether you like it or not, you have family of blood and family of the heart.”

“My brothers are only involved in my life because they pushed their way in,” she muttered sullenly. “Bossy, commanding, dictating assholes.”

“Yet you love them in your own way.” The truck slowed as a trio of moose ambled across the road in front of them. “The only thing limiting your capacity to feel is your head. It learned how to protect itself and your heart because… well, the amount of abuse you took as a child was monstrous. They didn’t rob you of emotion, Tabby; you buried it six feet down so they couldn’t hurt you more than they already were.”

What. The. Fuck? Tabitha stared through the windshield, not seeing the huge moose cow and her two cute calves disappearing into the tree line. She wasn’t seeing anything at all.

It would never cease to shock her how well he saw her. Not just the crazy, not just the shit in her past, but her. The girl she had been, the woman she was now, who she might become in the future.

“I’m not asking for the words back, little tiger. You’ll give them when it’s time. But for me, this is my time. Telling you how I feel isn’t supposed to pressure you or make you feel trapped.” Grit paused, dragging his lip between his teeth. “Evander and Elias offered me a job, Tabitha. A damn good one. Head of security for Serenity.”

That wasn’t a surprise. Ledston wanted the best, could afford it, and Grit’s experience would make him a competent and efficient security chief. “Atticus won’t be pleased.”

“Att’s a smart man. He knows I’m not gonna be able to run missions forever; it’s why he’s got the next generation of mercs in training. The older I get, the higher the risk I get killed on the job. I love the work, the team, but I’m discovering I love something else a whole lot more.” Tapping his fingers on the wheel, he seemed nervous, which wasn’t like him. “One of the reasons we’re going to Serenity today is the future, Tabby. Mine and, God willing, yours.”

Okay, that made her heart stutter. “Mine?”

“Ours, little tiger.”

Holy fuck. Shuffling in her seat, she turned slightly so she could see him better. Was he kidding? No, his expression was deadly serious. He wanted a future with her? Maybe he was the crazy one if he was considering hitching his wagon to hers. Did he not realize her life was the equivalent of a dumpster fire?

“Don’t bother trying to warn me how insane you are; we both know I don’t care. I’ve been in this business for twenty years or more, and you’re the first woman who’s ever made me think about leaving it. Family is important to me, yet I set it aside for a long time because I know the work I’ve done has saved lives and made the world a safer place.” He chuckled softly, shaking his head. “I think there’ll be greater satisfaction in helping you do what you do, to be fair.”

Now she choked on her own saliva, coughing violently to clear the obstruction suddenly blocking her airway. When she could breathe without wheezing like an old woman with emphysema, Tabitha wiggled her hand free from his and pressed it against his forehead. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Pretty damn good.”

“Grit, I kill people. Murder them in cold blood. I’m wanted by a dozen government agencies. There’s a judge somewhere just waiting to sign his name on my execution date.” Dying didn’t scare her, but being incarcerated? Locked up in a cell for years? That dried the spit in her mouth to dust. “I have an exit plan for when I get caught. It’s not going to be sunshine and roses, a happy ever after for me. Any future with me lands you in prison as an accessory. I can’t… I won’t let that happen.”

His jaw tightened, the muscles tensing. “I’m an adult, Tabby. A grown man who can make his own decisions. Aside from the fact you’re too damn smart to get caught, I’d rather spend an unknown quantity of years with you before they slam the cage door behind me than be without you.”

“That’s love talking,” she muttered. “Love makes fools of men.”

Grit laughed. “Little tiger, I may be a fool, but don’t forget I’m not entirely a law-abiding citizen myself. My time as a merc hasn’t been spent sitting behind a desk peddling paperwork. I’ve washed blood from my hands more times than I care to remember. I know how high a man can scream with the right incentive. My gun and my knife are extensions of my fucking hand.”

She huffed. “Stop being argumentative.”

“Stop being stubborn because you’re scared of taking a step forward.” He flicked the blinker on, slowing down to take the turn onto the private road leading to the construction site. “Do I wish you’d take a permanent break from murdering people? Yeah, part of me does, because that part understands what each kill takes from your soul. Will I ask you to give it up?”

She held her breath, waiting for the word that severed their relationship here and now.

“No, because I also know that this is your healing process. No point looking at me like that,” he said mildly when she frowned at him. “No one protected you from predators when you were a child. The authorities didn’t rush in and save you from your abusers. You were alone, helpless, brainwashed by violence into a world of rape, murder, and drugs. Experimented on and tortured by the two people who should’ve loved and guarded you.”

Her breath shuddered out on a low, almost inaudible whimper.

“How many children have you saved by exterminating pedophiles, Tabitha? Sonic’s stepfather raped and murdered, what, nineteen young girls? If you hadn’t stopped him, how many more would have suffered?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, it’s not lawful. It would divide the general public on a moral scale; a lot would condemn you, sure, because we’ve been taught as a society that taking a life is wrong. But I think more would fall on your side of the argument—one predator destroys countless lives. How many rape survivors lead normal lives? What percentage turn to drugs, drink, prostitution, suicide? In an ideal world, pedophiles would be sentenced to death, but we exist in a time when the rights of the criminal mean more than those of the victims. The justice system is flawed, fucked beyond recognition.”

“You get it,” she whispered.

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