I don’t know that I’d do the same for anyone.
“So I’m listening,” I finish.
“Can we do this later?” he groans, gesturing to his leg. “It’s been a long few days.”
I feel my face heat with blood. “Oh, right.” I lean back in the chair and pull my pillow under my head, closing my eyes. Not that I’ve gotten much sleep these past few days.
“No one good ever thinks they can win a war,” Leiholan whispers, and my eyes jolt open. I sit up a little taller and lean in like it will help me hear him better. He sits up too with a groan. “And I thought we would.” He looks me in my eyes, and for the first time, I don’t think I feel anger for the color of his. “I put winning over compassion. Cost me everything.”
His words feel weighted, almost like they’re tailored just for me.
If no one good thinks they can win a war, then no one good wins the war. That’s what he’s saying to me. Isn’t this what he said last time? Blamed the Folk?
“How did Anise die?” It may not seem relevant to him, but to me, it seems like everything I’ll need to know about him.
“Your Royals,” he says.
“That’s what you said last time.”
“That’s because it’s the answer. You didn’t want to hear it,” he says, and I can hear the weakness in his voice.
“But you were saying it was all of us?—”
“No, I wasn’t,” he interrupts.
“You said we did terrible things to you after the war, but so did you?—”
“This isn’t a matter of me and you, Desdemona.” His voice is more stern than I’ve ever heard before. “We don’t have a say here. A girl from the septic and a Nepenthe never held any weight.” He scratches at his beard. “Why do you hold such loyalty to the people who kept bringing the keepers to your land?”
“I don’t.”
“You believe in them more than the keepers, but they wouldn’t be there without them.”
“But that’s not—the keepers treated us like we were below them.”
“Who granted them that power?”
I watch him in silence, his eyes boring into me and his words echoing through my brain. “The Royals,” I finally say. Admitting it hurts me, a little. Because the last time we almost had this conversation, we were talking about his dead wife. “What did they do to her?” It’s hard to get the words out.
“When Lorucille won, they offered us soldiers two options—magically bind our loyalty to them, or be killed. Clearly, I swore my allegiance. They gave me my job here, said it was because I was the most adept soldier. I happened to be the only major who didn’t choose death. So they killed my parents, my brother, and Anise as punishment for my involvement.”
The room moves in slow motion when my eyes crash down and away from him. Every single movement I make of my body feels delayed, slowed down by a force beyond me. That last conversation we had comes back to me.
In my head, I’m picking up that sword again, raising it toward him, and telling him to fight me. Only, this time, I know what I’m doing is wrong.
I’m at an utter loss of words, so Leiholan fills the silence. “It’s like I said, who do you think taught the keepers?”
“Why would you keep me around when I always…”
“I saw the same qualities that led me to fight in a war within you.” He doesn’t sound sad, just resigned.
“What?” I say too harshly. “This was just some save-the-septic-girl operation?”
“Did I save you?” He looks down at his missing leg. “Not physically.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t need saving.”
“You’re the one who brought up saving, sweetheart. Not me.” Leiholan shrugs.