I could tell him that the second we go back to the village I’ll be gone. My mom will drag me away to a new place, saying it’s for my safety, and he’ll never see me again. But I know how my mom likes leaving. Without a trace. Just because I’ve made my choice doesn’t mean I will disrespect her.

So all I can do is convince him to stay here, with me.

“You’re never going to be anything there! A Light Folk in a welders’ land? You know you’ll never get ahead, always barely being able to feed your family, having to choose between food and winter blankets. And me? I’ll become a welder and die just like the rest of them. We’re both damned no matter what we choose, so why not choose something for ourselves?” I hope that the mention of the dead welders won’t anger him. I’ve never alluded to his dad like that before. But this is important.

“Are you kidding me?” he says, and I know instantly that I’ve angered him.

“Damien—”

“No, no. That’s not cool. None of that was warranted. I just wanted to have a good night with you, get you feeling better, and you throw that at me?” Spit flies from his mouth, and his words are rolling out fast.

“It’s the truth!” I argue.

“I don’t care if it’s the truth!” he shouts. “This wasn’t the time to be talking about the truth,” he spits.

“I can’t go back,” I say.

“Do you think I want to?” He points toward the village. “That place is full of ghosts,” he says, referring to everyone else he’s lost in the fires. “And you’re right, I never will be anything here, but it doesn’t mean I can just leave. I was raised here, my family is here, and I’m sadly sure my future family will be here too! What you’re asking me is ridiculous. You’re asking me to give up my life!”

I wish I could tell him that that’s exactly what will happen to me if we go back. I’ll lose my life. I’ll lose him. I’ll lose everything. I want to grab his arm, pull him with me, beg him.

“Damien, you don’t understand!”

“Then tell me. What am I not understanding?” His face grows redder with every word. “I’ll be nothing and you’ll be dead. Does that not sum it up enough?”

I swallow and wish it was enough to soothe my throat. “That’s not enough for you to want to run with me?”

He shakes his head while sucking on his bottom lip before he says, “I don’t think I could ever run.”

So, that’s it, isn’t it? I’ll never convince him. If my imminent death isn’t enough, my leaving tonight wouldn’t be either. I drop his hand that I hadn’t even realized I was holding and I don’t think about how close I was to begging. I think about kissing his cheek as a final goodbye, but I just turn back to the village and walk instead, leaving the rena, the nectar, and the leather bag Marice bound.

I can’t bring it either way.

“Des!” Damien shouts. I keep walking. “Desdemona!” I don’t turn back. I kick a rock and try not to focus on the hole in my chest, in my stomach. Wow, my hands are really shaking too. My whole arm is; no, my whole body is. I have to do something. I have to do something. I run. I run all the way back to the village, all the way to my dwelling, where my mom runs out and right into me.

“We have to go,” she says to me, grabbing my shoulders. I turn back to the woods, hoping Damien will be exiting them too. It’s not safe out there alone, not if a keeper saw me run out, but he doesn’t come. I should’ve been more careful.

My mom pushes my hair out of my sweaty face. She doesn’t ask where I’ve been or what’s happened. She just ushers me into our dwelling and tells me to pack the things I need. I realize I still have Damien’s dagger. I have to get it back to him. If not to him directly, at least to Elliae.

I run out of the dwelling. “I’ll be right back!” I call. “I have to go to Damien’s!”

“There isn’t any time!” my mom calls, but I’m already so far down I can barely hear when she calls my name.

I knock on the door to Damien’s house and am glad when Elliae answers.

“Des?” she asks me in a hushed voice. “Is Damien with you?”

“No. He’s in the woods. I’m leaving tonight,” I try to whisper, but I’m so out of breath it comes out harsh. “I didn’t realize I still had this, but I couldn’t leave with it.” I hold out the dagger, the austec’s blood now dried to the blade. Elliae takes it quickly.

“Why are you leaving?” I can hear the worry in her voice, so I pull her in for a hug.

“I’ll be back,” I say. “I just had to get the dagger back to him somehow.” When I pull away, I look at her and say softly, “I’ll miss you, but not for long. Tell Damien I’ll miss him too.” Then I dart back through the village.

Mom is at the door, clutching onto the stone around her neck, a memor like the one on Damien’s dagger. She doesn’t look at me, not even when I’m a foot away from her face. “Mom?” I ask, but she still doesn’t look.

“We’re too late,” she says, clutching the necklace. “Oh Zola, we’re too late.” Her gaze sweeps through the village one more time before she pulls me inside. She rips the stone from her neck and picks up my hand. “Wear it at all times, under your clothes. Let no one see it.” When she sets the necklace down, she asks, “What happened to your palm?”

“Hunting accident,” I say, but there is a weary look in her eye.