Page 146 of Dirty Like Dylan

“She’s too old to change, maybe.”

“No one’s too old to change, Liv. Growth is always possible, as long as we’re alive.”

She sipped her martini, eying me the entire time, then set the drink down on the table. “What are we talking about here? I’m lost.”

“I think I need some big sister guidance.”

If I thought she looked shocked before, that was nothing. “You do?”

“Yeah.”

I searched for the right words. I knew Liv would understand my fears without me having to explain them to her. She grew up in the same house I did, and she’d always tried to protect me from the things I’d had to see there. But I didn’t want to talk about my fears. For the first time, I wanted to talk to her about getting past them.

So I asked her, “How do I stay in one place for a while and just trust that it’s going to be okay no matter what happens? Like how did you do that with Laura, when there was such a risk?”

“A risk of what?”

“Well… she was straight, before you. You took a risk with her, that she’d stay.”

“She wasn’t straight, Amber. It’s not like she magically transformed into a lesbian because she hooked up with me. More like she figured out who and what she really was. And if you’re seriously considering staying in one place for a while to see how a relationship with someone you care about might pan out, maybe you’ll figure that out, too.”

“Maybe.”

“‘Growth is always possible, as long as we’re alive,’ right?” she said, quoting me.

“Right.”

“Isn’t that what you’re looking for when you’re out there, anyway? With your camera? Who and what you really are…?”

“Maybe I’m avoiding looking for it.”

Liv sat back in her chair and stared at me some more. “Well, damn, Amber Paige. You are figuring some shit out, aren’t you?”

I fucking hope so.

On that note, I went for it.

“Do you think… Is it possible to like cock and pussy in equal amounts?”

Liv stared at me. Then one eyebrow slowly raised above her glasses.

A male throat cleared and the waiter, who was very obviously gay, leaned in to place Liv’s soup in front of her. Before he withdrew, he told me, “I’m thinking the answer to that is a no. Kind of an apples-and-oranges situation, hon.”

I smiled awkwardly and waited for him to depart. My stomach had kinda fallen at his words, but he was a stranger. I needed to hear from my big sister on this.

When he was gone, I looked at Liv. She wasn’t touching her soup; she was still staring at me.

“Jesus,” she muttered. “Those two are doing a fucking number on you, aren’t they.”

“It’s just… it’s Ashley,” I confessed. “You can’t say anything to anyone, okay? This is private stuff. But I think he’s in love with Dylan.”

“Uh-huh.” If Liv was surprised by that, she didn’t show it. She didn’t show a thing; no judgment, none of her trademark dry humor. “And the only reason that would bother you is if you’re in love with Ashley. Is that it?”

“Not Ashley,” I said. And I watched how her face changed.

I watched as she started to get it. To realize what it would mean if I was in love with either Ashley or Dylan—and not the other. How many hearts stood to break here.

Mine included, very possibly.

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