Page 53 of Past Present Future

“It’s a gift and a curse,” Skyler says glumly, hanging his head. “I can’t help being charming.”

“And the security guards—”

“Okay, okay!” He holds up his hands, laughing, but then turns serious again. “She was my first real girlfriend, and I think she might have ruined me for anyone else. No one’s ever measured up to her. That might be why I don’t do relationships,” he admits. “Because some part of me is waiting for her to decide that she still has feelings for me. And if she does, well… I’m not that immature kid from high school anymore.”

Despite all the flirting, I realize I haven’t seen him with any other girls in a while. I have to choose my words carefully, because I can’t quite believe I’m about to give Skyler relationship advice.

“She clearly likes you,” I say. “I’m not sure if I can tell whether it goes beyond friendship, but there’s something there.”

He buries his head in his hands. “It’s not just like for me,” he says with a little heartsick moan. “I think I really love her. I’m not sure if she’d ever take me seriously, but we were kids back then. Sixteen and seventeen. And now… I feel like if there’s any chance we’re on the same page, we could give it a real shot.” He thumps a hand to his heart. “I know sometimes I act like this happy-go-lucky guy, but I’m tortured, man. Pining for someone, having no idea if they feel the same way…”

“I think I know a little something about that.”

“It’s fucking brutal, isn’t it?”

“Is it too obvious to say to tell her how you feel? Without pushing her, of course—you don’t want her to feel any pressure to respond a certain way,” I say. “But without sounding too cliché… honesty can go a long way. Especially if it’s earnest. Adhira’s used to you joking around, not being too serious. Show her that you can be. That this isn’t a joke to you, and that you want to be serious when it comes to her.”

“Serious. Yes. I can do serious.” As though to prove it, he schools his face into a properly stoic expression, though I catch one eyebrow twitching, unable to keep up the ruse. “Is that how you did it? Did you both just come out and say it?”

“Sort of,” I say. “I actually wrote it in her yearbook first, earlier that day. But I told her not to read it until the game was over and then proceeded to silently panic for the next few hours.” I’d been so nervous, terrified she’d glance at it during the day and then laugh in my face.

“Oh shit. That’s romantic as hell. You guys are really making it work,” he says. “It’s still going well? I assume so, what with the whole scavenger hunt and all.”

“It’s…” I catch myself before “good” or “great” spills out of my mouth. With Skyler opening up, and especially after our earlier conversation, I can’t help wanting to unpack some of my own baggage too. “If I’m being honest… we’ve had some challenges.”

He spreads his arms wide across the back of the bench. “Well. Lay it on me.”

It takes me a while to work up to it. I’ve never had conversations like this with friends that go beyond the theoretical, and certainly not in public, though no one’s paying us much attention. Sean, Cyrus, and Adrian know Rowan and I have slept together, mainly because when they asked, I immediately turned bright red, but that’s it. When we talked about dating over winter break, a bowling alley didn’t seem like the place to bring it up.

This seems to be a pattern with me: never having the right words or the right setting to have any kind of conversation that matters.

If I can’t have it with my friends from high school, then maybe I can have it with Skyler.

“Things aren’t as good… physically… as they used to be,” I finally manage, keeping my voice low. I run my anxious palms over the thighs of my jeans. “That isn’t—that’s not something you’d have any experience with, is it?”

Instantly I regret it, half expecting him to make a joke.

“Not unusual for a long-distance relationship, I’m guessing,” he says, sounding sincere, and that gives me more courage.

“It’s almost like there’s more pressure when we’re together, and we don’t get much alone time when we’re at home. But lately I’ve been wondering if I’m just bad at this.”

“And you guys have talked about it?”

“Well, not exactly…”

He crosses his arms over his chest, as though there is a truly simple solution here. “How are you going to know how to make it better if you don’t talk about it?”

Excellent question.

I bury my head in my hands, letting out a low groan. “Oh my God. I am an idiot.”

Skyler claps me on the back. “You’re not! You’re just still figuring it out. Hell, we all are. It’s not the easiest thing to talk about. But believe me, it’s much easier to talk when you’re not caught up in the moment.”

Of all people, Skyler giving me advice about communicating in the bedroom is not at all what I expected and yet so deeply appreciated. Skyler Benedetti: feminist icon?

“Have you ever used lube?” he asks.

My cheeks grow warm as I shake my head, mentally kicking myself for never thinking of it. Maybe that’s the problem: our first time was so special that everything else seemed like it would fall into place without effort.

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