Page 116 of Deep Cover

Half my senses were heightened. I felt his hands. I felt the cold of the leather bench against my naked tits, my hips, my belly. I felt the air of the room around me, would never be as comfortable naked as some people were. As the women in the gym where I used to go who strode naked from the shower to their lockers, running a towel through their hair because we all had the same parts and who the fuck would care if theirs were uncovered?

I did. I was the one who never forgot when Jesse was fucking me in the Brotherhood clubhouse that there were men on the other side of a flimsy wall who could hear every grunt, every slap, every snarl Jesse made, every sound I made of pleasure or pain.

And maybe I liked it in some perverse way.

The same way I craved this in some perverted way I was nowhere near ready to admit to myself.

But not while it was happening. I didn't like the pain when the pain was coursing through me. I was afraid of it, afraid of him, I wanted out of here, I wanted clothes and comfort and –

The first blow jolted me so hard I reared up against the straps holding me and screamed.

He was caning me. He was caning me!

He was caning me and I was trapped, buckled in place, spread open on the spanking bench in the remote desert compound of a crazy billionaire philanthropist who said he was just trying to help me and nobody who really did care about me knew where I was.

I screamed again.

Very quietly, Cole said, "Yes."

The schedule Cole kept for me was very precise. Even when we ran longer than usual the other parts of the schedule fit into place like a jigsaw puzzle. I was here for X amount of minutes and then here for this much time.

I had an idea when he'd taken me into the room.

I had an idea when he'd brought me out again.

I was in there for less than two hours.

I was in there for more than an hour and a half.

There was blood on my ass where he'd broken the skin in half a dozen places. Not, as I would have guessed, with the cane. More likely with a strap.

I hadn't cried at first. Whatever I thought, I hadn't. Always when it started I was determined. This time I would be stoic. This time I would just take it. Because it was meant to help me as much as it hurt me.

This time I would be silent and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

This time.

But I broke. Every time. I broke. Sobbing out my fear and loathing for myself and hatred for the things I wanted to fix and couldn't fix. For the lives ruined, so much bigger than mine, the problem so much more than one person could manage and here I was, miles away from where I was supposed to be and not helping not making a difference just here, for me.

For Cole.

For my sins, I suppose. I don't believe in sin. I believe in bad people but they aren't sin. It’s human intention and bad behavior and more often than not, something that had been bent on the inside.

There were things I wanted to fix and cure and take care of and there were things outside of me that didn't care what I wanted.

He had punished me, creatively and thoroughly and for a very long time, for calling and finding out about the job and making myself impatient for getting back to it.

The job that punished me in its own way.

When he was finished, he took me out of the room as though I couldn't stay there. As if I might become too familiar with it.

As if that room could ever lose its power to make me afraid.

He took me out and gave me a series of orders he expected me to follow. What areas to disinfect. How long to shower. What to wrap myself in when I got into bed.

He did not stay or offer aftercare.

He was still angry.

For once, my own anger wasn't glowing hot.

I stood watching as he walked out the door of the suite and heard him lock it behind him, sealing me in. Without moving from where I stood I turned my head and looked to the bathroom where I’d find the disinfectant and the shower.

Then I wandered on trembling legs to the bed and slid into the sheets and pulled the softest of the microfleece blankets over me. I curled into the tightest fetal curl I could manage.

I fell asleep.

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