Page 21 of Forever Focused

“You think I’m not?” she asked, her voice incredulous. “I’m lost, floundering, trying to figure out who I am…”

“Ha!” he chuckled. “You’ve got it all together, and don’t try to pretend otherwise. You work for yourself, have this fancy travel company, you post all these creative blogs with such excitement, and…”

“Michael, I’m trying to make myself feel better because I’m scared I’m going to wake up one day and still be trying to figure out what I’m doing in my life.”

“Really?”

“Oh gosh, yes,” she laughed softly. “Looks good on the outside, complete mess on the inside.”

“You hide it well,” he admitted and felt her rest her head on his shoulder, letting out a peaceful sigh at the simple touch. “Me? I know I’m a mess.”

“Why is that?”

“Let’s see,” he began and hesitated, wondering if he should actually open up and then realized a part of him wanted to. It was like he needed to clear the air between them to decide whether they would move forward or simply part ways. “I blew it with my first girlfriend, then went to the Academy and utterly hated it…”

“You did?”

“Oh my gosh, yes,” he said emphatically. “That was not for me. I wanted fresh air, sunshine, and to soar in the clouds, but they wanted us to march everywhere, to look alike, and no one could speak up or voice their opinion. That’s not me – and I did not fit in.”

“What happened?” That simple question was the crux of it all. He closed his eyes and swallowed, letting his head rest back against the wall beneath the shelves where he sat. She gave his hand a light squeeze as if to say ‘it’s okay,’ and he sighed.

“I wanted to be wild, free, to get out and experience life,” he began quietly. “And I did. Some of the guys were going out for the evening into town and invited me with them. We all piled into a taxi, drove out to a bar, and had the most fun I’ve had in years… before things got odd.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think I was on my fourth beer, getting really tipsy, and suddenly there was this woman sitting between me and Milton. She was hanging out of her clothing, all over him, and…” He paused as he felt Poppy tense beside him, recognizing that she was not happy in the slightest at how the story was turning. “She offered to go to a hotel with a few of us if we wanted to slip her some money… and Milton did at the same time a bar fight was starting on the other side of the room.”

“Oh, Michael…” she breathed in dismay, and he felt tears of shame sting his eyes as he sat there, waiting for the rejection.

“I didn’t sleep with her – and I sure didn’t proposition that woman, but Milton did, and she pulled out a badge, arresting all of us. I’ve never done anything like that, never even considered hiring someone, and less than an hour later, I was sitting in lock up like some hardened criminal.”

“What happened next?”

“We were panicking,” he admitted. “Scared to death because we knew it was bad. We were in our cadet uniforms; it was all over the local news, and they were going to let us sit there in lock-up for twenty-four hours, which meant we would have missed classes the next morning. I made a collect call to my father because I didn’t know what else to do, and it was too late. The Academy already knew what happened and a few days later, I was being dismissed. All of us were dismissed.”

“I’m so sorry,” she breathed, squeezing his hand tightly.

“I’m not sure that I am,” he confessed in a hushed voice, admitting the truth for the first time to anyone. “I hated it there, felt like I was dying, and knew I was looking at another ten years or more. It was a mistake for me and…”

“Michael, you don’t have to justify it. Sometimes, we try to please everyone and end up making more of a mess.”

“Oh, I made a mess all right…”

“It sounds like you made a desperate attempt to extract yourself from a situation that you couldn’t control.”

“You don’t think badly of me?”

“Not at all,” she admitted. “Do you think badly of me for not wanting to be an optometrist like my mother?”

“No. It’s a matter of preference.”

“Exactly.”

“I prefer,” she began, stressing the word, “to travel and explore the world. I want to help people find enjoyment doing the same and…”

“Same here. I want to learn about my family’s business, have the freedom to travel whenever I want, or share my love of flying with others. There’s nothing better than seeing someone’s face the first time you go up in a plane. I love that wonder, excitement, and exhilaration, and I didn’t get any of that marching, standing in line in a uniform, or saluting someone. I felt like the biggest freak and kept wondering what was wrong with me because the others there loved the strict discipline and regimen. I absolutely loathed it, Poppy.”

“So we’re both here,” she chuckled. “In a pantry, sitting in the dark, confessing our deepest darkest secrets to each other, and relishing in our shared excellence in failure.”

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