Page 69 of Rise of the Vicious Princess

She was quick to say she wasn’t afraid of anything, but now she knew those words were a lie. It was wrong of her to want to cling to the boy who’d seen her at her cruelest and at her most vulnerable and who still took an arrow for her, argued with her, and sometimes looked at her like he wanted to bridge the distance between them and kiss her. It was wrong of her, and there was only one thing to do about it. All she had to do was let the distance between them grow. In the end, it was better that way.

Her mind made up, she wandered the ship, observing each of the positions Orayn had assigned, trying to soak in as much understanding of sailing as she could. All too soon, Orayn called out, “We’re leaving the harbor. Quiet conversations only. No swords. All eyes on the horizon unless I’ve given you another duty. You see a ship? You let me or the captain know about it.”

Charis took up her spot on the railing again as the ship nosed its way out of the bay and onto the open sea. Orayn headed north, staying close to the shore as they’d decided to check the water in grids, dividing up each area so as the nights passed, they could cover every furlong from Calera’s capital all the way north to Ebbington if necessary while also searching as many furlongs east as Calera was wide.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Tal’s quiet voice at her shoulder made her jump.

She shot him a look and then turned back to the horizon. “What are you talking about?”

“Giving me the job of training people to fight with swords and then wandering off alone. Going all over the ship. Alone.”

“No one knows who I really am.”

“You’re sure of that?” There was a thread of anger in his voice, and she gripped the railing hard. “Or did you even stop to think it through?”

“That’s not fair.” She tried to keep the hurt out of her voice. “I’m surrounded by allies here. Orayn, you, Holland—”

“Holland and I were busy at the center of the ship, and Orayn was at the tiller. So who exactly was watching your back?”

“I was.” She turned on him, forgetting that she was trying to hold her temper. “I was watching my back like I always have. Like I’ll always have to for the rest of my life. Me. Alone. You’re right about that.”

“You choose if you have to be alone. You either let people in, or you push them away. Any guesses which camp you fall into?” There was anger in his voice too, but beneath it, she heard the hurt.

Drawing in a deep breath, she forced herself to find the courage she needed to do the right thing. “I know why you’re angry with me.”

“Do you?” He held her gaze, starlight gleaming in his dark eyes.

“Yes,” she said quietly as the dark hole within her widened. “Remember when we stood in the dark at the refugee camp, and I told you there had to be a solution? That I just had to find it?”

He frowned. “Yes, but—”

“I know it must feel awful. You’ve lost so much to Montevallo, and then you risk your life to keep me safe, and what do I do? I offer myself to a prince of Montevallo like some sort of prize. It has to feel like a slap in the face.”

“I promise you have no idea what I’m feeling,” he said with quiet force.

“I know I can’t fully understand, but I also know that this is what I have to do. I can’t see another way to forge a truce, and we desperately need one.” She swallowed hard against the knot that was forming in her throat.

“And you think I don’t know that?”

“Of course you do. Probably more than most of the people in Arborlay. I just hate that what I have to do to gain a truce must make it feel like I threw your sacrifice in your face. I’m sorry for that.”

He took a small step back. “You’re sorry for that.”

“Yes.” There was a long silence punctuated by the creak of the ship’s timbers and the slap of the water against its bow, and then she found the courage to say, “I meant what I said about watching my own back. I know your job here is temporary. We’ll catch Bartho, and you’ll return to Father’s staff. And eventually you’ll move on to another job, and you’ll find a girl to love and a cat to adopt. The wounds Montevallo inflicted will slowly heal, and you’ll be all right. And I’ll do my duty and watch my back and keep the enemy in line so that your people stay safe.”

He stared at her and then said slowly, “Well, as long as you have it all figured out, I guess it’s fine.”

She frowned. There was something heavy in his voice. Something she hadn’t heard from him in all their months of closeness.

A friend would ask him about it. Pull the truth out of him bit by bit. But he would be leaving. He’d already started to, even though he was standing right in front of her. It wasn’t fair to either of them to fight it.

He turned away and stood in silence watching the horizon for the next hour until they returned to the harbor having seen not a single ship. He was silent on the carriage ride home, and he didn’t say good night as he went into his room.

Charis changed into her nightdress as the ache of loneliness within her cracked wide open and swallowed her. And then she climbed into the bathtub, the last place she’d seen Milla, the place where everything had started to go so terribly wrong, laid her head on her knees, and cried.

Twenty-Six

IT HAD BEEN over a week since their first nighttime trip to sea. They’d been out twice more and found nothing.

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