Page 20 of Until Forever

He chuckles and swipes his thumb across his nose. It’s obvious he’s trying to figure out exactly what to say to me.

“I’m sorry for leaving you the way I did. It was wrong. I realize that.”

“Now you do,” I drag out.

“I’m not trying to run games on you. I get it, you’re pissed, and you have every right to be. But when have I ever lied to you?”

Never, I think, but that isn’t what leaves my mouth.

“For all I know, everything you’ve ever said to me was a lie.”

“You don’t believe that. You know me.”

“Do I? I mean, I thought I did, but you up and switched the script on me. So, no, I don’t think I know you at all.”

“That’s not true, Toya. You know me better than anyone. And there’s nothing I can say that’ll make you hate me any less. But the truth is, I got scared.”

I stare at him for a moment, his words weighing in my gut like rocks. This is the first time he’s ever admitted to being afraid of anything, even to me. And somehow, I know he’s serious.

“What were you afraid of, Jasper? Messing things up?” I quiz, pull my brows together, and scoff. “Which makes absolutely no sense because that’s exactly what you did.”

“I know it sounds stupid. And believe me, for the last eight years, I beat myself up over how dumb I was. And I tried to forget you.”

I flinch at that, his words stabbing me in my chest. “Wow. Real grand, Jas,” I interrupt while unable to hide the hurt on my face.

“I tried to forget you,” he continues, and I turn to walk away, but he grabs my wrist. “But I was lying to myself. It was the only way I could do what I needed. I had to let you go, for me, and you.”

“Excuse me. You didn’t do this for me. This was selfish and spineless. Breaking up with me, face to face, like a normal person, would have been less cruel.” My voice cracks, but I quickly clear my throat to keep him from noticing.

This time I’m successful in turning from him and get a foot away before I spin around again.

“You know what? Harmony was right.Youwere right. We should talk, and then I’ll finally have closure.”

His chest heaves, disappointment evident in the frown lines around his mouth. When I think he’s going to speak, he drops his shoulders and stares at me for what feels like an eternity.

“Give me something solid, Jas. Because, right now, all I want to do is get in my Jeep, pick up my kid, and go home.”

“Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” He takes a step forward. “We had a plan, and I was ready. But as I stood there, watching you with your dad and listening to him talk about you going off to college and having a solid future, I realized for the first time that he and I had something in common. We wanted the best for you, more than either of us ever had growing up.”

“So you made the decision for me? You didn’t even bother to know what I thought?” I shrug.

“I know what you would have thought, and you’re probably thinking it right now.” The corner of his lips rises in an awkward smile. He’s stalling, trying anything to lighten the mood. “You would have torn the letter to pieces and left with me anyway. And then there would have been no telling how your life would have ended up. Not knowing, and guessing how it would have all turned out wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t something I was willing to risk.”

“So you just said fuck everything.” I breathe out through my nose. “Got it.”

“It wasn’t so simple, Toya. We were eighteen, talking about making adult decisions that neither of us was prepared for. You were accepted into the best colleges. You should have been planning your dorm decor and getting excited about the friends you were going to make. Not following your deadbeat boyfriend around the country. You were good…you still are.”

“So then why are you here, Jas? If you feel I deserve more than the love we had for each other, that you would have somehow held me back—why are we having this discussion?”

“Because I’m ready now. Because I’ve missed you.” He inches closer. “I’m not a broken kid anymore. I can handle what it means to be your man.”

I laugh. It’s what I do when I get nervous. If I can’t avoid the situation entirely, I break out into a fit of laughter, and I’m grateful he knows that about me. He doesn’t shy away or get angry because it’s like he said, he knows me. I want to say something, tell him that I’m happy to hear him say those words, but I can’t allow myself to fall for that.

“It’s been a long time. Surely you don’t think you can show up here after everything, and I’d run back into your arms,” I say, trying to keep my voice level despite the emotions raging in my chest.

“Distance means nothing, Latoya. Not when the person you love means everything.” He strides forward.

I step back, holding out a hand to silently tell him to stay where he is. He can’t be in my space; I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough if he is.

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