Page 3 of Until Forever

She backs away, but it’s clear in her eyes that she doesn’t want to leave me. I nod, silently telling her that I’ll be all right. Not that I believe it, but she needs to hear it. She pauses for a moment.

“Go ahead, graduate,” I say slyly.

She’s smiling again, and this time I return the gesture.

“I love you.”

I gasp at her words but manage to keep her from noticing. We’ve said it before, but rarely, and for some reason, it hits harder this time.

“I love you, too,” I whisper as she walks away and joins her father in the center of the room.

He makes eye contact with me, and I sink into the wall closest to me, watching while he goes on about how proud he is of her. The people in the room share in his sentiments, and it wrecks me, hitting me deep down in my chest. She has her whole life ahead of her, and I’ll only get in the way. Latoya darts her gaze at me for a split second, and I fake another grin. The air around me grows thick, nearly suffocating me.

“She’s gonna get tired of the small-town lowlifer, and you’ll soon see we ain’t no different.”

There it is again, my father’s pessimism torturing me.

“Thank you, everyone,” Latoya coos.

She’s looking around, and I know she’s trying to find me. He’s right. As much as I hate to admit it, my dad is right. She’s going to outgrow me, resent me for taking her away from her family, away from her dreams.

I’ll hold her back, I know I will. Then I’ll hate myself more than she ever could. I can’t do this. I won’t kill the dreams she has of college and building a career. She’ll save lives, but only if what I want doesn’t interfere with that. I wish things could be different, that she can have the things she wants and still be with me.

“I’m sorry,” I mouth, knowing she’ll never know how sad this makes me.

I pause for a moment to get one last look at her. She’s still so happy, enjoying this time with her family. Regret fills me. How could I be so selfish to ever consider taking this away from her? She has people who love her, people who will do anything to see her live the best life possible.

As she stands in the middle of the room with her parents, I watch them. Pain and anger fills me, the aftermath of falling prey to my father’s words. At this moment, I hate him, probably more than I ever have. Why is he right? Why is he able to break me even when we’re miles apart? How can he get in my head no matter how hard I try to keep him out?

I glance around, taking in the rest of the room. People take up nearly every inch of the house, more smiles and pleasantries surrounding me. My skin sweats, and I swallow the lump I hadn’t realized had formed.

Visitors crowd around her, and I fade into the distance, slowly backing away until I’m in front of her father’s study. I can’t see her now, not with the amount of people blocking my view. I glance behind me, seeing a notepad on the desk. I step around the desk, looking into the crowd every so often. After locating a pen, I tear a page from the top of the notebook.

My palms are wet, and I struggle to keep a good grip on the pen. My pulse races in tune with the scratching sound of my writing. I hate this—leaving her—but I have to. She deserves more than what I can give her, and I know that she’ll never let me leave.

So this is how I have to do this. Explaining myself and ending what we have in a letter. It’s better than doing what I want and running out of here, I owe her much more than that. My heart aches with each word, but it’s for the best. She’s going to go on to do great things with her life, and I’ll only be a burden.

I slap the pen down on the desk, the impact of it ringing through my ears. No one seems to notice, everyone is still focused on Latoya. Tearing the note from the stack, I fold it twice and awkwardly hold it against my chest. When I exit the office, it’s like my senses refocus and I realize that I’ve tuned out everything—the voices, the music, all of it.

Her aunt is closest to me, her arm wrapped around her husband with a drink in her hand. She darts her gaze to me when I brush against her, giving me a wayward smile. I return the gesture, fighting with myself to find the strength to do what I know I need to.

“Can I help you, son?” she asks with a hand on my shoulder.

“Um. Yes, sorry. I-I need to leave. Would you mind giving this note to Latoya for me?” I hold the message between my fingers while planting my palm on her elbow.

She peers at me for a moment, slowly taking it from me. “It looks like they’re almost done.” She points her sights to the center of the room, and I follow her. “Sure you don’t want to give it to her yourself?”

I stammer back, “I-I really should go. Tell her congratulations for me, please.”

She nods and fists the paper.

“Thank you,” I let out and beeline it to the exit, but not before Mr. Reynard finishes his speech.

“Jas?” Latoya calls my name.

I step away, still fighting with myself on the decision I hate to make, but one I know is for the best.

“Have you seen my boyfriend?” She sounds farther away now.

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