Page 82 of For Fox Sake

“Really?” She shifts to face me more fully. “You would do it all the time. We had to stop playing hide-and-seek if you were the seeker and she was hiding because you knew exactly where she would be. It was nuts. You did it one time in the grocery store when you were both maybe four or five.”

I’ve forgotten. Did I lose the memories because I shy away from all thoughts of her? Refuse to think of her? Does that mean I will eventually lose all the memories, good and bad, because of my fear of confronting thoughts about her?

It’s painful, but I don’t want to forget everything.

“I could never tell her no.”

Finley rubs my arm. “I know.”

“No. You don’t. I should have been the one driving, but she begged me to drive home. And I couldn’t tell her no.”

Jake, please. If you let me drive, I’ll do your chores for a week. A month. I need to practice, it’s late so there won’t be other cars. It’s a short drive. You’ll be with me.

“Aria’s death was not your fault.”

I’ve heard this, over and over, from everyone, but they don’t understand and I can’t deal with the truth.

Because it was.

So many moments, decisions made, events burned into my memory, no matter how many times I try to forget them.

Lying on this exact bed with Aria while she begged me to go with her to some party she had overheard Taylor on the phone talking to a friend about.

I could never tell her no.

And then...

“There was a cat.”

“What?”

“It ran in front of the car. We were going too fast. I encouraged her to go fast because it was late. I was worried someone would notice we were gone. The streets were empty. What was the harm?” My voice cracks on the word. “But there was harm.”

“Oh, Jake.” Her arms fly around me, gripping me tight.

I barely feel it. My limbs have gone numb.

“She didn’t die right away.”

Finley tenses against me. “What?”

“She was scared.” The words are quiet, whispered.

I dream about it, sometimes, Aria’s eyes before she died, wide with terror.

“If we hadn’t gone to that party, she might still be alive. I didn’t want to go, but Aria wanted to follow Taylor. I could have convinced her to stay home.”

She squeezes my arm. “No. You couldn’t have. She was so stubborn. The most willful of all of us, and that’s saying something.”

I need to let go of the pain and guilt I’m dragging with me everywhere I go. The weight is pulling me down and, worse, erasing all the good memories of Aria. She would hate this.

“Holy shit. Am I dreaming?” Taylor walks into the room.

“Only if it’s some creepy shared hallucination.” Mindy is right behind her.

Followed by Piper. “Definitely a group hallucination.”

Finley shifts on the bed, tucking up her legs to make room. “Like that time you three saw that pterodactyl?”

---