Page 107 of Love Me

I know I shouldn’t invade his privacy. These are his belongings and his personal thoughts, but maybe they will help in my grieving process.

I didn’t have closure. I went from hurt to angry and successfully shoved every thought of him away, suppressing my feelings for him until they blew up. No wonder I came undone when I saw him again. My heart recognized him, while my mind said we’ve constructed a wall. But he successfully ripped that apart.

I lean back into the soft, big pillows and count the stacks. One for each month.

Seven hundred and thirty letters. The exact number of days I was away.

Some just have the date and one sentence.

I miss you so much, Sky. I would come to you in a heartbeat if I could. It gets so bad that even the reason I must stay away seems inconsequential when the consequences could be deadly.

One has longer sentences, and I can feel his pain seeping through the ink, his love for me drenching the pages.

Every day is torture, but today is worse. It marks one year since I haven’t seen my beautiful wife. I haven’t been inside you. I am keeping my vows. I’d keep them for an eternity. At times, I wonder if my heart is even functioning without you. There will never be anyone else for me. You’re the owner of my heart, the master of my desire, the producer of my dreams. That’s your power over me, Celine. Wait for me, please. I love you. I am working on it.

Another one has me tearing up from the first sentence.

I am dying slowly without you, Celine. It’s not an exaggeration. It feels like it. Every day, I try to push through this vacuum, but it’s just black, cold, and nothingness. It’s the same hell every day without you. I don’t know how to do this shit any longer. I am weak. You’re my strength and without you, I don’t want to live. But I made a vow to you. And I will honor it. You always smiled when I said I am lost in darkness without your guiding light, but it’s the truth. You’re my home. Send me your guiding light so I am not wandering lost anymore. I want to come back home.

I turn to another letter, the paper shaking in my hands. I should read them in order, but everything in me screams in desperation to keep reading, so I pick one out randomly.

We had dinner tonight and Felix had the audacity to say, ‘Now that your weakness is no longer a factor, you can finally be what I envisioned you to be.’ I had already ripped out my heart, making the worst decision of my life. What more does he want from me?

But he doesn’t realize I don’t want to know what it’s like to be anyone or anything other than yours. I hate him. I hate them all. They will never understand that absolute power comes from love, devotion, and bonds made of loyalty, not out of fear. When you have nothing to fear, no weakness, or no vulnerability, you also have nothing to lose. That’s not an incentive. When this is all over, I will fucking laugh in their faces, holding your hand.

Oh, Kaden. I skim to another one, and it takes a while to read through my tears.

I was informed today that Abigail and I are the future. We have to be together, they’ll make sure of it. We’ve both lost too much to go through that process again. I am not betraying you. Never will. My heart, body, and everything in me have always been yours. Just yours. Forgive me, I am yours. Today. Tomorrow. Always.

I move to another letter, my heart beating in my throat. I try to blink the tears away to continue reading, but new wetness coats my lashes.

It’s your birthday, my love. I am not there. It’s the first one I am missing. I spent the day in the gym, sparring with Blake. Nothing works. It’s been months, and they still want to test me. I had to sit through another dinner while Grandmother put framed pictures of you at the school in England on the table in front of me. You were smiling. I wanted to rip the guy’s head off, but I am glad you made friends.

I miss you so damn much. Will you love me again? I am not above begging.

A choked sound tumbles out of my mouth. I never stopped. With every letter, the puzzle pieces form a picture of truth that both guts and heals me.

I had to destroy our place today. I can’t afford for them to find out how much time I spend there. They have eyes everywhere. It was as if I destroyed a part of me, of us we’ll never get back. But I swear, and this is another vow: I will build you another one, and we’ll fill that with fresh memories, a clean slate. I want to come to you, take you and disappear somewhere, just the two of us. But they’d hunt us down. I have a plan. It will take a while, but I’ll ensure the Family won’t find us. I couldn’t care less about the legacy. All I care about is having a future with you. We have a marriage to see through.

I thought I knew what pain was, but every letter shoves me deeper into the clutches of agony. But the strangest thing happens. It’s cleansing. Love baptizes me, mending my heart.

Are you still waiting for me? I hope you are. But my love, I realized I want you to be happy even at the cost of my happiness. The way we parted gave you every right to put me behind you and start over. I love you. It’s been sixteen months. I had a nightmare yesterday. You asked for a divorce. I woke up drenched in sweat and my heart pounding. I thought my chest would crack. Demand everything but not that… Let me keep a part of you that’s just mine. I had all your firsts, and if I could choose, I’d want all your lasts because that would mean we’d be together. I already live through the worst punishment, not having you. Do you still love me?

His question tugs at my heartstrings. No girl has loved a boy more than I have loved you. No woman has adored a man more than I have adored you.

It will take years before I can come to you and beg you to hear me out. Today, I am just exhausted. I am sorry to let you down… I am selfish. So selfish that if I could turn back time, I’d say go through the same hell I did. We’d heal together. But my instinct to protect you would win every damn time. I love you more than life itself. I’d always choose your well-being over mine. I’d endure all the pain so no one could ever hurt you. But I hurt you, didn’t I? I betrayed your trust. Hate me, but you could never hate me more than I do myself for what I did. Can you still love me?

His doubts clench my lungs with an unyielding grip. I can barely breathe.

Two years. I am ashes inside. I have no idea how much I can still miss you until I snap. Love me, now and forever. And if not, I hope you remember I have loved you with all of me. Will love you until my last breath. Death now sounds like a better alternative than continuing to live without you.

This is dated on the day I came back. I came back for you. Maybe my heart knew you couldn’t take our separation much longer.

After reading only a portion of the letters, I am an emotional mess. His letters wreck me. Needing a break, I curl myself together on the bed, wishing he was here. Longing coaxes fresh tears to stream down my face.

He never forgot about me nor stopped loving me.

This time away won’t help me grieve. It will ignite a fire that nothing can extinguish. I inhale deeply, preparing myself for the emotional warfare, and I pick another letter from a stack.

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