Page 29 of Saint Baptiste 2

He stood and we slapped hands. “Aight. ‘Preciate you, baby.”

“You already know,” I responded.

CHAPTER 7

NAOKI

I woke up to the smell of bacon. Beef bacon. I could pinpoint the smell of it anywhere because it was my favorite. I hadn’t awakened to the smell of breakfast in years. Not since I was a child at my granny’s house.

Stretching, I ran my arms along the silk bedding and groaned. “Fuck.”

I was at Sienna’s house. Last night was somewhat of a blur. The only thing I could remember was yelling. Speeding, tears, and so much fucking yelling. From her...not me. I couldn’t remember shit she said but that anger was seared into my mind. She was so mad at me. I couldn’t remember Sienna ever being that mad at me. But in true Naoki and Sienna fashion, it didn’t stick. I wouldn’t have woken up to the smell of beef bacon at her house if it had.

Waking up to the smell of my favorite breakfast food should have put a smile on my face. My best friend was so fucking thoughtful. She went out and got me beef bacon because she wanted to make my day. Despite everything she had going on, SiSi woke up early to get beef bacon for me. She didn’t eat it, so she didn’t keep it in her house. So, I really, really should have been happy. But I wasn’t. I was terrified. Terrified because waking up to the smell of breakfast meant I wouldn’t be able to avoid the questions she had last night. I needed to leave.

I was a runner. Running for me meant picking up a last-minute nursing gig somewhere out of state or something. I ran to hide. But I couldn’t run. I was trapped. I hit another fucking brick wall. The first one was called Saint, this one called Sienna. And for some odd reason this wall felt bigger, taller, and scarier than the first.

I felt around the queen-sized bed, underneath the big pillows and the silk sheets, looking for my phone. When I didn’t find it in bed with me, I turned over on my side and found it on the nightstand beside a bottle of Vernors and a Stanback. A hangover kit. Thoughtful bitch. God, how lucky was I to have her?

Sitting on side of the bed, I cracked the seal to the Vernors and drank as much as I could before the acid forced me to burp. After sitting the bottle down, I took the Stanback and then finally picked the phone up. 10:15AM. And I had ten missed calls. Seven were from Sage, three from the hospital.

Hitting the lock button on the side of my phone, I scratched the back of my head with my freehand. Taking a deep breath, I massaged my temples, as foggy memories of last night flashed through my mind. God. I was broken. Not like that. I mean, of course I was broken in that way. But I was really broken. Couldn’t believe how close I’d come to asking Chase to fuck me. Desperation was gross.

With a sigh, I pushed up off the bed to use the connected bathroom. I sat on the toilet until my legs went numb. When it came time for me to wash my hands, I avoided the mirror. I couldn’t look at myself. But that didn’t last long. I had to look in the mirror to brush my teeth and wash my face. The emptiness in my eyes scared me most. I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

When I was finished, I stayed in the bathroom a little longer. Just pacing, trying to find a mask to put on. However, I came up empty.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I mumbled to myself, staring into the mirror with tears sitting behind my eyes.

I was defeated. I couldn’t shake back for shit! Who I was, was who I was. I couldn’t hide. You have any idea how uncomfortable that shit was for someone like me? She would ask me if I was okay and know I wasn’t because there was nothing for me to hide behind anymore. The shit made my skin crawl. I wanted to jump outside of my body. Needed to run. Honestly. Hated this. Hated everything about everything. She was mocking me, too. The bitch in mind. Taunting me, almost. Whispering at me about how there was nowhere to hide. About how Sienna would have to see me. About how she’d judge me and see that I wasn’t okay. She wouldn’t like the new me. Sienna, like everybody else, preferred Fun girl Kiki. She’d throw me away. She’d dispose of me, and I’d have nothing. I’d be alone. I’d be...

Nope.

Mm, mm.

I shook my thoughts away and turned to leave the bathroom.

I was slipping and I could not slip here. There was no mask for me to hide behind. I had to catch myself. Couldn’t just let that happen. Couldn’t lose time here. Had to ignore her, despite how hard that was to do without my mask, so far from the surface.

On my way back to the room, the sound of soft cooing coming from Baby Jah’s nursery stopped me. Slowly pushing the door open, I walked inside and smiled at him moving around his crib, trying to muster up a cry. I did a little jog over to the crib to pick him up before he could alarm his momma over the monitor.

“Hey boo-boo,” I whispered, as I rubbed my nose against his before putting my face against the crook in his neck to inhale that scent. The one that babies have that gives off serious baby fever. Not to me though. I was immune. Baby fever never worked on me. I would forever be the fine ass, fun, bougie, God Mommy. Not because I didn’t think I was ‘worthy’ of that white picket fence and the happily ever after. But because being anything other than that just wasn’t in the cards for me.

And that... it was okay.

Right before I could sit in the rocking chair, the bedroom door opened, and his clingy ass momma walked in. I looked down at him and ran my nose across his again. “I knew she was coming, Baby Jah. I don’t even know how she heard you. It’s like her ass got spidey senses or something.”

Sienna laughed. “Mmhmm. Spidey senses in my nipples. It’s time for him to eat.”

She stood right in front of me, but I couldn’t look up at her. I mean, Baby Jah was just that precious but that wasn’t why I couldn’t look at her. Didn’t want to see that look on her face. You know... the one stained with pity. She would try to hide it but because I knew her, I’d see it. She and I were good in the sense of wearing masks. I just happened to be better at keeping mine in place than she was. Probably because I’d been wearing them longer than she had. Sienna didn’t know how I looked without mine. That wasn’t her fault. Didn’t make her a shitty friend. Made me one.

SiSi reached for Baby Jah, and I handed him over. Her fingers brushed up against mine and I flinched a little. What the fuck was wrong with me? I felt like that ten-year-old girl who went from looking forward to Saturday’s to hating Saturday’s, sundresses, Val, and that small two-bedroom house.

I needed to leave.

I sucked in a deep breath and quickly turned my attention to the window. The sun was out. Playing peek-a-boo through the sheer, swaying curtain. Felt like she was calling me again.

“Naoki.”

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