Page 32 of Saint Baptiste 2

We were at the water. Downtown at the riverwalk. Standing at the fence overlooking the water, talking. Well, SiSi was talking about the kids. Creating small talk. I listened and offered a giggle and a hell naw here and there. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, my mind was just on the reason the small talk was created in the first place. Plus, we were high. Had just popped edibles. Sativa. It was perfect for a night like tonight. I needed something to relax me and that’s exactly what it did.

Against my skin, though not too warm, the sun felt amazing. She was setting. And since she was leaving, the sun kiss was a little different. Tender and subtle. But I appreciated it just the same. I closed my eyes as a cool breeze of wind swept across my face. The weather was changing. It was a little over forty but since we were by the water, it felt a lot colder. We had on coats. Mine was borrowed from her closet. Everything I had on was SiSi’s. Dressing this morning, in clothes that were hers, reminded me of our younger years, and the short period of time I stayed with her and her peoples. I didn’t have shit, but they kept food in my stomach and clothes on my back with no questions asked.

That’s why I was alright with the conversation.

If there was anybody in the world that deserved the true me, it was her. I never thought she didn’t. It wasn’t about that. I was just... afraid. I could barely face myself without my mask, of course it was hard to face anyone else. Who I was... when no one was around... when it was just me... she was on the surface. She was here to stay. And sometimes, she just wasn’t as pretty as the other versions of me. Who I was without my mask, was my biggest insecurity.

Was it so wrong to want to hide that from her?

“What do you think? Jahad is against it but?—”

“I haven’t been okay for a while, Si,” I interrupted.

She was on topic number five. Getting Baby Jah’s ears pierced. She didn’t want to talk about that. She knew I was with whatever she was with, right or wrong sadly.

Sienna took a deep breath. “Saint?”

I lightly laughed and hung my head before looking back over at her. “Saint is just... he’s just... the tipping point. Saint, compared to everything else is a damn mustard seed. But since we’re on that. I guess I could start there. He’s light. That’s... that’s light.”

I rarely thought about Saint. Saint wasn’t the problem. My problems were bigger than him. What happened at Pandora’s happened because I led us there. I was responsible for that shit. No one else. Was led there by the same problems that were bigger than him. Problems that started before I met him. Before I knew he existed. I could’ve taken the easy way out and lied by blaming him. Would’ve been a lot easier to talk about than the ugly shit. The ugly shit that made us complicated. The ugly shit that made me build walls with barriers. The ugly shit that made me shy away every time he ‘stayed’ for too long.

But I couldn’t lie because I owed Sienna more than that.

“You were right,” I said through a sigh. “I fell in love, bitch. Fell hard too. But I shouldn’t have. You know just as well as I know that love doesn’t fit in an equation that has the two of us in it. It’s been chaotic. But really, Si... it’s been beautiful too. If we didn’t have those moments, I wouldn’t have fallen in love. Shit, I wish it was just sex. That man,” I paused and shook my head. “The way he makes me feel Si. My God… I just… when I’m in it. I mean, deep in it. I get delusional and that shit… it’s not good for me. He’s not good for me.”

“Why do you think that though, Ki?”

I laughed and shook my head. “Did you just hear me say he made me delusional?”

“Love makes you delusional, Naoki,” she replied with a frown as to say ‘duh’. “Delusion is a big part of it. Really if you ask me that’s what love is. You know how delusional a person has to be to fall in love? I mean really? To trust someone else with their heart?—”

“It’s not that,” I interrupted. “It’s not that simple, Sienna.” I tossed my head back and put my eyes on the sky. Mainly to keep my tears at bay. But as usual, God and his artistry wowed me. The sky was absolutely beautiful, painted in hues of orange and purple. Colors created by my favorite part about the sky—the sun. Tell me... was there ever a point in time that she wasn’t a bad bitch? I mean, damn!

Sighing, I closed my eyes and the tears I held back, rolled down the sides of my face. “The type of delusion I’m talking about is...” I swallowed.

Was I really going to be honest? Would I really share the things I only shared here, inside, with her? I wasn’t afraid that she would judge me. Wasn’t afraid that she’d run and tell Mahogany. Earlier, that was my failed attempt at running. Our friendship had only lasted this long because of loyalty. Love too, but love was nothing without loyalty. It was that fear of being seen, gnawing at me, stopping me... preventing me from being my truest, authentic self.

“I don’t get the fairytale love story, Sienna. Women like me. we don’t... we don’t get happily ever after. We—no... I—I get what I’ve gotten. The bare minimum. But that’s okay because... because that’s what I asked for. That’s what I wanted?—”

“But you want more,” she added, interlocking her arm with mine.

“Mmhmm,” I mumbled, through pursed lips. “Wanted more and?—”

“You want more. And that’s okay, boo. You deserve more. To want more isn’t delusional.”

She still didn’t get it. She didn’t understand me. I didn’t want to have to blurt it out. Didn’t want to tell her more. Just... Just wanted to tell enough. Just hoped that she would be able to find and put the missing pieces to the story together.

“Si... No, this isn’t about what ‘I deserve’,” I paused, finally lowered my head and shifted my focus to the water. It was beautiful. The reflection of the sky against it was almost as if I hadn’t shifted my focus at all. “Sienna... You’ve had a beautiful life alright?”

She didn’t say anything because she couldn’t. Sienna came from a two-parent household. She knew what real love looked like. Had a picture-perfect view of it right in front of her every day. The men in her life—the ones closest to her at least—treated her right. Her father loved her dearly.

Growing up, I didn’t have that. Growing up, most of the men that walked in and out of my life wanted something from me. Their love was conditional. The conditions it came with poisoned me. Mind, body, and spirit. The earliest memory I had of ‘conditional love’ was at age eight. That’s when it began. That was when I found my first ‘mask’. After a man I was supposed to call Uncle Johnny told me to sit on his lap.

Eight was the first stage. Like cancer. The kind of cancer that had a high survival rate if caught early enough. Minor, really. But if left untreated, could turn terminal. That’s what happened. The cancer... it was left untreated. It moved through me at a slow pace. At ten the cancer... it progressed. My God, it progressed. And it just... kept getting worst.

That was when the digging started. The hole just got bigger, and deeper as time went on. And I just kept piling things down there. Kept burying it. That was the treatment plan. It worked. It worked until it didn’t. Until the cancer came back. Burying was like chemo. It didn’t really get rid of the cancer, just... shrunk it. It needed to be removed. Needed to be... taken out but... I was afraid of what that meant. Afraid of what going through that would feel like. I just wanted to forget it was there.

But Sage.

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