Page 40 of Saint Baptiste 2

Hmm? Why make me feel this? Why make me endure so much pain? Why make me suffer so much? I didn’t do anything. I didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve to be tortured like this while that lady and her husband lived their happily ever after.

What about mine?

“Yea,” He stated, advancing toward me as if I hadn’t told him to get the fuck out of my face. “Feelings. I know that might sound like bullshit but?—”

“Might?” I interrupted with raised brows. “Definitely sounds like bullshit.”

I laughed. Felt like I was losing my mind. He needed to leave me the hell alone. I didn’t want it. Didn’t want to deal with it. Couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right mental space to deal with whatever it was Saint wanted. He had never shown me any emotion. The only time Saint was anything remotely close to me was when he was between my legs.

Now.

After eight days of nothing... he brings up feelings. After claiming to be miserable? I didn’t believe shit he said. Why would I? Men lied. They all did. He was a man. A man who only wanted one thing from me. A man who would never want anything more from me.

He didn’t say anything. Went silent. Just... stared at me. Bore into me with those fucking eyes. Just... stood there and looked at me with soul-snatching, misery filled brown eyes, in silence.

“It’s time you need,” he finally said.

I drew back. “Time? For what?”

He advanced toward me. again. Backed me up against the wall. Didn’t touch me. Didn’t press his body against mine. Stood insanely close to me, though. So close that I could feel his breath against my lips. But it wasn’t the lack of space that kept me against wall. It was those eyes. I could have easily pushed him away. I just... I didn’t.

I gave him pieces of me. I showed him all of me. Almost all of me. There were still several faces he had yet to see. But the ones he did see... The ones I tucked away from the world and only experienced with self... he saw them. And he didn’t run. He stayed. Felt like seeing them made him love me more.

“The timing is wrong,” he continued. “Either I waited too long or... I’m too early.”

This time, I went quiet. We stood there, practically chest to chest. In silence. Stealing from one another. I didn’t like it but... I couldn’t help it. The longer we stood in silence, emotions high, my mind a big ball of confusion, the lighter I began to feel. I... I couldn’t explain it. I lost time again. This time, when time slipped, I felt limitless Standing outside of time... It felt amazing. It was complete separation from reality. I knew what it felt like to sink. To sink so deep into my thoughts that I would separate from the present. But reality? I’d never separated from reality. It was... absolute fucking freedom.

He lifted his hand, caressed my cheek and said, “When I realized you blocked me, I didn’t push because it wasn’t force you needed. It was time. Time and space. So, I gave you that. The last eight days felt like eight years... but I took ‘em on the chin because I care more about you, than I do myself.”

I rolled my eyes and attempted to push away but he pinned his body against mine, stopping me. “Listen. You promised me five minutes. Give me my five minutes, amou.”

I took in a deep breath and let him talk as if there was anything else I could do.

“For eight days straight I thought about you. Thought about every little detail on you. From the moles on the bottom of your left foot, to every fuckin’ tiger stripe on your body. Thought about the way you smelled. The way your kisses taste. The way you sound right before you’re about to cum. Thought about your smile. Your laugh... every-fuckin-thing. Lost sleep thinking about you.

But you know what I thought about the most? Your eyes. The way you looked when I walked into that room. The way I almost broke you... the way I almost shattered you. Selfishly, I mishandled you. Mishandled you because I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I...” he paused. “Didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I fell in love with you. I don’t have the right to push for a second chance. Not after the way I fucked up the first. So... I let you be.”

I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what to feel. Didn’t know if I should’ve believed him or not. I was... my mind was... I wasn’t wired to believe anything he said.. It just... it all sounded like bullshit to me. I would have loved to really, truly believe him. I was afraid to give into that delusion. Afraid that if I did... if I truly decided to believe him, that he would let me down. I couldn’t just... be free. I couldn’t fall ‘freely’ as Sienna said because I didn’t trust that if I did, I wouldn’t fall to my death.

“The timing is fucked up,” He said with a low chuckle. “I trust that the timing... that the timing is just fucked up.” Saint leaned in, pressed his face into the side of my neck and inhaled. “I pray to God I’m not too late.” He paused, wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in. “Tell me I’m not too late, Oki. Tell me I’m just... I’m just too early. Tell me all you need is more time.”

I just stood there. As stiff as a fucking board with tears pouring down my face, completely speechless. I just... I really couldn’t understand what life was anymore. I wanted love. Wanted love from him, more than anything else in the world, right? And there we were... there I was... wrapped in his embraced, being given what I wanted but I couldn’t receive it. I didn’t understand. I wanted to believe that the timing was wrong too, but because I knew how this went for me, I knew it wasn’t time that I needed. I just... I just never got what I wanted.

Instead of responding to him, I just stood there. I didn’t know how long it was before he finally pulled away, kissed me on the forehead, and walked off.

“Don’t forget; you can call me KiKi. I’m only staying for the walk through. I should be home around?—”

“I don’t need you to babysit me, SiSi,” I defensively interrupted, as I placed my hands between my thighs, cringing.

I hated every minute of this shit.

This—being treated like some sort of sad ass bitch—was the exact reason I masked and buried shit for so long. I didn’t need people to take care of me. Didn’t need my best friend, who had a life of her own, to worry about and pacify me, a grown ass woman. She needed to worry about taking care of business. She had enough on her plate already. Utopia, her mother center, was taking off. She had to be in Atlanta tomorrow for a walk through of a new center that was scheduled to open next month. The last thing I wanted was for her to be worried about me. I would figure it out. I always figured it out.

“I’m not trying to babysit you, Naoki. I just need you to know I’m here. I’m always?—”

“I know that, Sienna. You don’t have to remind me.” I paused and lifted my head away from the tinted window to look over at her. “You don’t need to tell me you’re always here because I see it. I live it. You’ve always been. I just—look... I’m good, boo.”

She nodded and I leaned my head back against the headrest.

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