Page 41 of Saint Baptiste 2

I wasn’t good; I was the furthest thing from it. I was miserable, dangling over the edge, close to insanity, scrabbling, reaching for just a piece of good. She knew I was lying. I didn’t do anything to hide the lie. The evidence was right there, sitting on the rim of my bottom lids. All I had to do was blink, and that evidence would be rushing down my red cheeks.

Last night, I dug deep... reached to the depths of my being for strength I didn’t know I had. Just to do the exact opposite of everything I wanted to do. The urge to go with him. The urge to tell him everything I felt instead of nothing at all. It was hard. Extremely hard. Honestly, one of the hardest things I had to do.

“Who is that? Chase?” Sienna asked, snatching me out of my thoughts right before I would sink.

I turned to look out of the window. “Yeah, that’s his corny ass. What the fuck is he doing with my trashcan? Ugh.”

“Um. It looks like he’s taking it to the back, you mean ass bitch,” She joked. “He seems nice,” she playfully sang. “That was him you were in the car with that night right?—”

“Yeah, only because he saw me at the bar and didn’t want me to get an Uber?—”

“Okaaaay. I didn’t say I caught you in the middle of sucking his dick, KiKi damn. You’ve been defensive as hell since?—”

“Since what?”

She sighed. “Nothing, bitch.” Sienna shook her head as she pulled into my driveway.

Since seeing Saint last night. About—not about... exactly... I shifted my eyes over at the clock to check the time. Thirteen hours and twenty-three minutes ago. As a nurse, I was meticulous about time. Had to be for the sake of my patients. However, when it came to men, time never mattered. I didn’t give a fuck about it. Never paid much attention to it. But when it came to him? I paid attention to everything. I knew how long we’d been fucking. I knew on what day I knew it was love and nothing else. I kept track of things like that. Because it was him. Because he was special—Saint Baptiste. The man who made me want to venture outside of my fucking box. I wondered if I’d ever stop. Wondered if one day I’d look up and I’d be seventy-something, still counting.

Anyway... That’s how long I had been defensive.

Last night we stood outside of time and heard ‘I love you’ for the first time.

I didn’t think that was possible for someone like me. Especially not with someone like him. But last night—last night it happened. And it felt amazing. It was complete separation from reality. I knew what it felt like to sink. To sink so deep into my thoughts that I would separate from the present. But reality? I’d never separated from reality. It was... absolute fucking freedom.

“Like I was saying,” Sienna continued with an exasperated sigh as she shifted the car into park. “He seems nice. You should at least thank him for taking care of your trash for you. Because it was definitely overflowing the other night.”

“I will,” I said, frowning, with my eyes on Chase who was coming from the side of my house. “Look at him. What type of nigga is that happy this early in the morning? And it’s cold.”

“Ain’t shit niggas,” she mumbled.

I turned to look at her and we both laughed. “Exactly.”

Sienna put her head down and shook it. “Nah, that’s that trauma talking. Honestly, Kiki... he might just be aight.”

“And he might just be another ain’t shit ass nigga,” I somberly retorted. “I’m over that shit, SiSi. I can’t.”

I was serious.

I couldn’t. I was tired. I decided to give up and accept the fact that I would just die alone.

She tossed her head back against the headrest. “I know. It’s okay to be over it. But what’s wrong with a little conversation? Just... it’s important to stay open, KiKi, remember that. Not for them; for you. Hurts you more than?—”

“I know,” I interrupted with a sigh. “I heard you.” I tossed my head back and looked over at her with a sad expression. “Sorry.”

She just nodded and gave me a soft smile. Because I knew her, I could feel what she wanted to say through the desolate expression on her face. She wanted to encourage me. She wanted to tell me I deserved all of the love in the world. But because she didn’t want to push my boundaries any more than she already had, she kept her lips tucked into her mouth.

I appreciated that. I didn’t need any more lectures. When I said I heard her, I heard her. Sitting through it the first time was painful enough. I wasn’t one of those women who liked to hear people talk about them, contrary to popular belief. I thought I was beautiful, of course. I was confident. I knew that when I put That shit on, I put that shit on. And even when I didn’t have it on, I bodied plenty bitches on a regular ‘bummy’ day. But did I want to hear people talk about how I deserved the world? And how I should have this, or have that? Or about how much of an amazing woman I was? About how special I was? That my smile lit up a room? No. Hell no. I didn’t. I hated it actually. It was painful to listen to. I didn’t like it because I didn’t believe those things about me.

“Plus,” she shrugged. “All the nigga did was take the trash to the curb. We sitting here having a moment like he about to ask you to marry him.”

We laughed. It was forced. But still... we laughed.

“Exactly. I’m going to thank his weird ass,” I said with an eyeroll before reaching over to hug her. “I love you boo. Call me before you board.”

“I love you too. You already know. Right before and right after,” she reassured me.

We pulled away from our embrace and I looked up at the house with a sigh. I was in no rush to go inside, but what else was I supposed to do? Run away from life because my house didn’t give me the same hug hers did? Maybe it was the size. I mean, it wasn’t the biggest but shit, it was too big for little ol’ me. To be honest, I didn’t even buy it for me. I bought it for them. For her. Valerie’s no-good ass.

---