Page 54 of Saint Baptiste 2

“Will she?”

Sage placed her hands on her hips and gave me a look. “Duh. You know she miss you. Honestly, I’m surprised you came. I didn’t think you would. That’s why I didn’t text you the invitation.”

I leaned against the wall and watched as she moved around the house with this… urgency that really pissed me the fuck off. She cared so much about them. Cared so little about me. I just… I didn’t get it. She was hosting a Welcome Home party for him, as if…

“Oh. That’s why you didn’t text it?” I asked with a squint.

She glanced up from the table and nodded. “Yeah.”

“No other reason?”

She tossed her head back with annoyance. “I know you don’t think I didn’t send it because you’re the,” she paused and made air quotations. “Black sheep of the family. Girl, we love you.

Of course she lied. Who would own up to being a miserable, evil ass, bitch that wanted to cause misery in other people’s lives?

I didn’t think I could ever be uncomfortable with my little sister. Not like this I didn’t think I could be. I mean, we didn’t have the best relationship and the last couple of months attested to just how distant we had become but… today was very different for me. Regardless of what Sage and I had gone through, I loved her. I loved her so much but my God she was so got damn bad for me. I told Sage more than once that I didn’t want to talk about them people. That I didn’t care to hear shit about Valerie and her husband. But she kept pressing. Kept trying to force them in my life. And I just… I couldn’t take it anymore. She just had to get that invitation to me, hm? Why? What the fuck for?

“You love me?” I asked with a light laugh.

“Yes Naoki, I love?— “

“So why do you keep trying to force those people on me then? After I keep telling you I don’t want to fuck with them. It’s been how many years since I cut them out of my life? You just… you won’t stop and?— “

“Because we’re family?— “

“That man raped me!” I yelled.

She stopped setting the table and her eyes widened. “I?— “

I thought distancing myself from Valerie was all I needed to do but I was wrong. The reason the ugly shit kept coming up was because the reason was still a part of my life. The reason for everything. And she just… she just didn’t care.

She remembered. She remembered everything. And because she remembered, how little she cared hurt me. Sage was lucky. She made it out clean. Untainted. She didn’t have to carry the burden of what he did to me because I took that for her. Every single time Mr. Bill tried something with her, I took it. Refused to let my sister bear that pain. Did it from the heart because that was just who I was. But not once did I consider what that would do to me. How could I? I was ten. Ten years old.

And she treated me like this? Kept trying to force them on me... after everything I took for her? I couldn’t believe it. No, I lied. I could believe it. My granny told me a long time ago that this would happen. That one day I would give Sage everything and be left with nothing. And she was right. My God, she was right.

Back in the day, she broke granny’s favorite figurine, and I took the punishment for it. It was a porcelain black Jesus. Granny loved that damn thing. She was very convinced that Jesus was a black man with long, locs since in the Bible, Jesus was described as having hair like white wool and bronzed skin. She used to argue folks down about it too! ‘Nappy hair? Skin of bronze? Mmhmm! Jesus is a dark skin black man, baby!’

Anyway... Sage broke it. And what did I do? Try to put it back together with some cheap ass knock off Elmer’s glue we got from the dollar store. As soon as granny walked in from work that day, she noticed. You think I yelled and said Sage broke it? Nope! I took the blame. I said I did it. Granny knew I was lying but she whooped me anyway. That day, she told me she knew every single time I was taking a whooping for Sage. She didn’t like it and said she only punished me instead of her because she wanted to teach me a lesson. Told me to stop taking the blame for Sage because one day I was going to find myself fucked up, in some real trouble, while Sage’s carrying on, scot-free, having the time of her life.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That day and what my granny said. Somehow on top of the bullshit Sage dug up when she broke in and damn near gave me a heart attack, she dug that memory up too. Granny’s words resonated with me now more than ever. I’d had days to really sit and let what she said marinate.

Big sisters are supposed to protect... right? That’s what I did. I protected. I sacrificed and Sage... Sage said I didn’t know what the fuck sacrifice was! While she sat up with her little family, smiling, happy, having a life full of bliss while I... while I suffered in silence.

“He raped me for years, Sage. Double. He gave me double,” I cried. Paced… and cried. Went back to that room. Cried harder. Faced the ugly shit head on. Cried for ten-year-old Naoki. Cried for every year, Naoki. That pain… it never went away. I just kept burying it and whenever it tried to come up… I found a way to bury it. Found a way to run from it. But I couldn’t run anymore. I couldn’t bury it anymore. The shit was fucking killing me.

And when my momma walked in and literally saw him in bed with me, that day, I thought then that I didn’t have to say anything because she knew. Because she saw him and then she would save me. But she didn’t. She didn’t save me. My little eleven-year-old brain couldn’t process it. I thought maybe she didn’t see him? Maybe she really did think he was comforting me through a nightmare. But then I told her. At eighteen I literally told her, and she called me a liar. Said I was looking for attention. Accused me of wanting to start drama ‘with my fast ass’. By bringing up old shit. Asked me why I waited so long. Said it didn’t make any sense. Doubted me. Called me so many names.

Valerie threw me away.

Sage was there.

She heard everything. She knew about that too. But for some odd reason she kept trying to force them on me. I loved my sister. I really, truly did but if I really wanted to stop the ugly shit from coming up, I had to cut her off. I asked her several times to leave me the fuck alone about those people, but she didn’t she never did and… I couldn’t handle it anymore. I really couldn’t.

“Kiki! I’m sorry! I’m so?— “

“Don’t! Don’t touch me!” I yelled. “Just… just leave me alone Sage. Please.” I paused, as tears continued to run down my face. “I’m begging you. Please leave me alone. I’m tired. I’m so tired.”

“Okay,” Sage nodded, with tears of her own running down her face. “I’ll leave you alone. You just... you just need a little time, right? I?— “

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