Page 34 of Saint Baptiste 2

“Mmhmm.”

I didn’t need to see her or hear her speak to know she was crying. Could recognize Sienna’s tears in any way. Even in something as simple as an mmhmm.

“He told me girls like me didn’t get a happily ever after.”

And I didn’t.

Didn’t get it with Denim. Thought I would. Thought I would have all five of the baby’s he wanted. But... he cheated. And I found I was pregnant on the bathroom floor at Shopper’s World, in the middle of a miscarriage I suffered through alone. After that, I remembered. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Why. The reason.

I didn’t get happy endings. I was only good for one thing. I was a slut. I was worthless. The only man who could ever love me was him. And he used it as a weapon. Was only nice to me if I did a good job. Only showed me love and showered me with praise if I did a good job. if I behaved. If when he told me to ‘give daddy a kiss’ I did it without complaining. If I didn’t cry when he came to see me at night, he was nice. He treated me like a queen. But if I cried... if I told him to stop... he hurt me.

I realized Denim was the same way. Only good to me if I was good to him. As I laid in that hospital bed, in pain, both physically and spiritually, I vowed to never let another person hurt me like that again. I told myself I would set the rules. I would, before they could even try to use me, I would create this box. The box was my way of protecting myself from disappointment. From heartache. I wouldn’t fall in love because the box... it protected me. Kept everyone out. I was safe there. What he said I wouldn’t get didn’t matter because guess what? I convinced myself that I didn’t want it. Made myself believe it. It worked. For a very, very long time. Until it didn’t. Until I met him, and he broke those barriers down and... I fucked up. Slipped into delusion. I forgot. Forgot about what I couldn’t have. Forgot about what he told me and guess what happened?

I was reminded. Sage reminded me by mentioning sacrifice as if I didn’t get double because of her! But... you know what... I ignored her. I said, fuck her and pushed that ugly shit right back where I needed it. Got another ‘cancer treatment’. Another round of ‘chemo’. Buried it. Just for it to come right back. It was... terminal now. On the fucking surface. Spreading like California wildfires. Sage and that word... it wasn’t enough.

The reminder had to be loud and bold because I kept fucking forgetting. Kept slipping. When I walked into that hospital room and saw him lying there, I knew. I understood. I... I wouldn’t slip again. I—I couldn’t. Somehow, I had to figure out a way to build another wall. Had to find another box. Had to... get back to who I used to be.

But I couldn’t.

I honestly, couldn’t. and that scared me because what was I supposed to do now? Now? Just... die alone? Just accept the fact that I would die wanting that beautiful love story that I wouldn’t get because he said so?

Sienna grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face her. “Naoki, look at me.”

I couldn’t.

Kept my eyes closed. Refused to look at her. If I opened my eyes, she would see it. She would see me dying... inside. I hated to admit it. I hated how bad I wanted that with him. Hated how much I wanted something I would never get. Hated how wanting it so bad had forced me into this conversation. I fucked up.

I shouldn’t have?—

“Please, Ki. Please look at me, boo,” Sienna begged.

I listened. Opened my eyes and wished I hadn’t. her face was soaked with tears. I didn’t... I didn’t like that. I didn’t want to make her sad. Didn’t want my shit to become her shit because that’s what Sienna did. That’s what she always did. She had enough shit.

“I’m sorry Si. I didn’t want you to worry about me. I?—”

“You deserve it,” She interrupted, before brushing a tear from my face. “The things he said about you aren’t true. What he said about fairytales and girls like you... not true. And because you deserve it, you’re going to get it. And baby,” she shook her head, “Whew! When you get it... it’s going to be so beautiful Ki. Unbelievably beautiful. That man is going to sweep you off your feet. He’s going to make you soar. With him, you’re going to float. You will lose time. People will fade. The world around you.. everything in it. He will make you feel in unimaginable ways. And when that love finds you... when the time is right... you’ll be ready.”

I laughed and tried to pull away, but she stopped me. She placed her hands on the sides of my face and held me there. “I’m so sorry he did this to you. I’m sorry he made you close.”

“He made me what?”

“Close your heart,” she softly told me before swiping another tear away. “One day, you’ll open again. And when you do... that’s when it’ll happen. That’s when you will float. That’s when you will give and receive love without limits. That’s when it’ll happen.” She smiled, with tears rolling down her face. "That is when you’ll fall freely, without that fear of gravity because... when you fall... gravity won’t exist.” She paused, pulled me into her arms and held me tighter than she ever had before. “I can’t wait to see it. Can’t wait to see who you become once you open.”

CHAPTER 8

SAINT

“As far as the trust,” Jahad pause. “I’ll get to you later on it. A decision like that can’t be made right now. Most definitely can’t be made alone. It’s gotta be discussed.”

I nodded. “Understood.”

We were at Jahad’s. The conversation about Samuel’s will was difficult for us to have so we breezed through it. The kids had trusts. Although I was sure he would have loved to tell Samuel to suck his dick for a third time, when it came to the kids and their future, he couldn’t make that decision alone. Conversation didn’t last more than five minutes. I appreciated that. I could speak for the three of us when I said we were happy the shit was over.

“Now that, that’s shit over,” Jahad said before getting up from his chair. He walked over to his liquor cabinet and opened it. “Congratulations fré.”

It took a minute, but I finally got B to open up to Jah about Inferno. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to include him in on it. That shit was a given. The nigga was just in his feelings about the same shit.

"That’s huge, B. You should be proud,” Jahad continued, as he made his way back over to the seating area of his office with a bottle of Patrón En Lalique Serie and three glasses.

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