Page 48 of Saint Baptiste 2

For the first time in a while, I got dressed and went out with the intentions to really enjoy myself. The minute he asked me if I would go with him, I was on the internet in search for a boutique. I lucked up and found a very sexy, but tasteful pleated satin, scarlet red mermaid style strapless dress with a side slit that stopped just above midthigh. It wasn’t the typical, boring, formal dress. It was full of character—much like me. Fun, spicy, classy, risqué, sexy. Everything. It really, truly, screamed KiKi.

I looked good’t, okay. Felt even better. My day started off perfect. Woke up bright and early, grabbed a quick kiss from the sun, despite it being cold as fuck. I danced around ass naked. Didn’t think about that magician. Didn’t think about those people. Didn’t sink. Just had fun. But then, we went to the event I’d been so excited about, and everything changed. I mean, instantly. As soon as I walked in, he walked on stage. Saint.

“What do you mean ‘how did it make me feel?’” I asked with a frown.

Eboni had patience. I fucked with Eboni. She was my home girl. She just sat and listened to me spill for an hour and didn’t judge. Didn’t give me that eye. I didn’t have to worry about her giving me that ‘look’. Didn’t have to worry about her running her mouth to Sienna. She didn’t know Sienna and even if she did, she wouldn’t tell her my business. Eboni had was ethics. Mmhmm.

I sat on her couch twice a week and told her all of my business. Just the easy stuff I didn’t give a fuck about people knowing at least. All of my lil’ ho stories. Talked about Denim. Saint. About how Sage had been driven me to block her. Told her about all of my Fun Girl Kiki days. I missed that bitch. Fun girl Kiki didn’t cry on couches. Fun girl Kiki didn’t have a therapist. Probably needed one. Definitely needed one.

She shrugged. “I mean... exactly what I asked. How did it make you feel? When he said those things? Did you believe him this time?”

I laughed. I laughed with tears in my eyes.

But I laughed. At least I had a smile on my face, right. I didn’t know how to answer her question. I didn’t want to answer any questions. I really only came here to vent.

“Naoki?”

I looked away from the window and back at her. “Hm?”

“Did you hear?—”

“You know I heard you,” I snapped before quickly swiping a tear from my eye.

“Are you going to?—”

“It made me feel like he wanted to fuck me. Like he wanted me to get on my knees and suck his dick the way I used to. Like he wanted me to beat it against my face and?—”

“Okay—”

“You asked. Let me finish,” I interrupted. With a sigh, I looked down into my lap and shook my head. “My bad, Eboni.”

“It’s okay.”

I placed my hands between my legs and writhed them. Since I couldn’t look at her, I put my eyes on the window again. God, I needed the sun this morning. I soaked her up yesterday but after last night, I needed more. Sometimes I thought about leaving. Thought about moving somewhere where it was hot year around. I needed the sun so bad these days. Some people hated winter because it got dark faster. I hated winter because the sun didn’t come out as much.

The sky was sad on most days.

Just like me.

“It made me feel like he wanted something from me,” I honestly told her, just above a whisper.

“How come? Do yo know?—”

“Because people didn’t say shit like that to me for no reason. He wanted something. He wanted to fuck me. That’s all. He miss my pussy. That’s all he’s ever missed.”

“Why do you think that? Didn’t you say he left? The night didn’t end with sex, did it?”

Eboni didn’t know shit about me. Not enough. I hadn’t shared the ugly shit. Didn’t come to therapy to talk about that shit. Just... I needed to vent. That was it. She wanted to get in my head. I knew what therapy was for. But I didn’t need it for that. I just needed somewhere to spill without judgment. That was it.

Why did I think he only told me the shit he told me last night because he wanted to fuck me? Because Saint didn’t talk like that. He said I was beautiful. Not on the surface type of beautiful. All over, and underneath, too. Called all of the pieces he stole from me beautiful. The things he saw behind my mask. Claimed it was beautiful. He wore the way he claimed to feel loud and proud. In a room full of people, he had the ability to make them all disappear. On stage... he stared at me, and everyone disappeared. Said he loved me. Again.

He... he didn’t love... because Saint couldn’t love me. because I couldn’t forget. I didn’t want to forget. He kept... kept asking me if he was too early. Even if all of the things he said were true, I’d never believe him because the reality of it was, he wasn’t too early. Saint was too late. Had we met when I was what? Seven... maybe then we would be safe. But when I was seven he was four. Both just babies. We never had a chance. Ever.

My phone chimed. I checked it. Not because I needed to, but because Eboni’s eyes were on me, and the sky without the sun only made me feel worst. It was a Facebook notification from Sage—an event invitation. I hadn’t spoken to her in damn near two months. Not since she texted, talking about one of the nurses said we looked alike. She didn’t care enough to check on me, but she took time out of her day to invite me to his fucking welcome home party? Mr. Bill’s. Why...? Why did she do shit like that? She wanted to fuck with me. I was convinced. Especially since she went as far as sending it to me through Facebook. Sage had only done that because she tried to text it to me, after two fucking months, and her message wouldn’t deliver.

I laughed. Laughed to hide the truth.

Smiled to hide pain, that rushed from my eyes and rolled down my face.

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