Page 60 of Margins

“Look, I don’t know her at all. Maybe we’ve finally stumbled upon the one bad guy in all of this,” Alex says, his mouth warm where he brushes a kiss against the top of Elijah’s head. “Or maybe she’s one more person who made wrong decisions for what might have been all the right reasons. And I know I just said she might’ve been selfishly scared, but we all have been—Peter and Edgar and Cassidy and me and your grandpa who stayed quiet out of respect and you who walked away from me because you needed to make sure I was sure—we all hurt somebody somewhere.” Alex feels Elijah start to growl, but he goes on. “I’m not really a betting man, but if I was forced to put some money down, I’d guess she’s thought about telling you many, many times. Each time she considered it, she probably came up with some good enough reason to wait, and I’m sure that became an easy pattern to fall into. But then your grandpa died, and she put you in charge of cleaning out the house, knowing full well that those books were still there, so I’m pretty sure she was ready to tempt fate after a lifetime of dodging it.”

“Guess I got lucky it was you who stopped by my garage sale that morning,” Elijah murmurs.

“See? Fate.”

Elijah finally turns in Alex’s arms, stuck somewhere between a laugh and a frown. “You’re not a betting man, but you really believe in fate?”

“How else am I supposed to explain how I was lucky enough to land in your driveway before all the other good-looking single guys in the neighborhood?”

Alex is on his back before he can really figure out how he got there, but he can’t possibly care long enough to try, Elijah’s body so strong and sure on top of his. And maybe the abrupt shift from where they were just a minute ago should feel stranger than it does, but the way Elijah is kissing him now makes Alex think there’s some kind of catharsis coming, a way to wrest back control when it’s felt like so much of it might have been stolen from him years ago. Their hands end up everywhere somehow, pushing and pulling without getting anywhere at all, and neither of them seems worried about just how desperate they sound, both left breathless when Elijah finally braces himself over where Alex lies.

“This—is this okay?” Elijah gasps. “It’s—I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t—it’s perfect,” Alex answers, rising onto his elbows to chase another kiss. “You gonna take me to bed again?”

Elijah slips away, very, very, very slowly crawling down Alex’s body. “Soon. Just give me a few minutes here first.”

It’s a lot later when they’re half-asleep and curled around each other in Elijah’s bed, a sliver of moonlight cutting across the duvet they’re buried beneath, Elijah’s hand combing through Alex’s hair and bringing him so close to the edge of something.

Somehow, Alex still finds the strength to ask the question that has felt inevitable since he’d called Elijah sometime between Thanksgiving dinner and dessert.

“When are we going to San Diego?”

Chapter Fifteen

The answer, as it turns out, is in a little over two weeks.

Alex and Elijah spend most of Thanksgiving weekend together, Alex going back to his house only when Elijah goes to work, like maybe there’s a chance he can pretend he wants to be home at all. He does find the time to text his sister a thank you, and an invitation to go out to dinner sometime after the holiday chaos. Elijah lets his mom know that they want to visit Uncle Edgar, and she doesn’t hesitate to give them all the information they need.

The delay has more to do with work schedules and the fact that Alex has Elena for a week, so they look at the calendar and figure out a Saturday night Elijah can get someone to cover for him at the bar. Technically, there would be plenty of time to drive down to San Diego, see Uncle Edgar, and drive back, but they’re both prepared for the visit to wring them out a little, so they decide to book a hotel room for the night and make plans for a nice dinner—a getaway that really isn’t going to be much of one, Nora agreeing to keep Poe with her while they’re gone.

Elijah comes over for dinner with Alex and Elena the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and after she’s in bed, the two of them talk more about what Elijah’s learned while they do the dishes side by side.

“It’s been a few months since my mom was last down there, but she was careful to warn me that he’s unlikely to talk to us.”

Alex takes the wine glass handed to him and begins to dry it. “Because he’s unwilling or unable?”

Elijah shrugs. “Maybe some of both? Apparently, there’s nothing specifically wrong with him, but he’s obviously very old and his entire body is just sort of done. The nurses help move him from bed to a chair and back again, but he doesn’t show an interest in much of anything. He’s not belligerent, just tired.”

“The love of his life died over 20 years ago, and he never made it all the way back to that peace they’d once had with your family,” Alex sighs, reaching for another glass. “He stayed in their home as long as he could and now he’s probably just—unsettled? Unable to let go?”

“Yeah, unsettled is probably accurate,” Elijah agrees, turning off the water and pulling the dish towel from Alex to dry his hands, bringing him close enough to kiss at the same time. “And I’m so torn about my mom visiting him—about what that does to both of them.”

Alex tilts his head. “How so?”

They lean back against the countertop, pinkies linked as Elijah tries to explain. “They’re both living with the consequences of the mistakes they made—decisions they made for each other—and it can’t be easy to sit in a room so full of memories and what ifs. You and I know neither of them were ever the bad guy, no matter how I feel about the ways their choices have messed with my head, but I’m not sure either of them knows how to forgive themselves, and seeing each other must trap them in the past every time.”

“It’s a matter of knowing how to let go of what’s already happened so you can make whatever happens next a little bit better.”

“Yeah,” Elijah nods. “Which means there might be hope for my mom and me if we can just give it a little while longer, but for someone like Uncle Edgar, there’s not much time left for next.”

“And a whole damn lifetime of what might have been.”

Elijah goes home that night, leaving Alex with Elena for the next few days, the finalization of Alex and Cassidy’s divorce something acknowledged over a late-night phone call that winds up being more emotional than Alex would’ve liked it to be. He, Elijah, and Elena hang out most of Saturday together, all three of them indulging in an enormous breakfast before they walk off the meal by spending several hours at the zoo. On Sunday night, Alex takes Elena over to Cassidy’s, and he tells Cass about the plan to spend a night with Elijah in San Diego, though he lets her assume it’s entirely romantic and not at all bittersweet. Monday and Tuesday, Elijah stays with Alex, and then they spend the rest of the week texting and talking when neither of them is too busy with work, both packed and ready to leave for their short road trip on Saturday morning, as soon as Elijah has had enough sleep from the night before.

They both ignore the fact that he was never likely to get any rest anyway.

Elijah texts once he’s given up, and Alex tells him he’s ready to be picked up anytime, offering to drive but not at all surprised that Elijah would rather focus on traffic than stare out the window at whatever they’re leaving behind. Miles roll by, and there’s music from somebody’s playlist, though Alex doesn’t think either of them could name a single song they’ve heard. Their hands are linked between them, and the connection seems at least as important as any conversation they could have, except that there’s something that’s been on Alex’s mind for a while now, and while the timing is probably all wrong, Elijah catches him thinking too hard.

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