Page 8 of Margins

What’s better than everything he’s had since high school?

What would this adult version of him want now, if he never thought he could have it before?

Even those two questions make him dizzy, so he keeps busy as long as he can and grabs something to eat while he’s out, and he only looks at his phone long enough to make sure there’s nothing that needs his attention. He has so little of it to give these days, though almost nothing demands it.

Alex continues to waste as much of the afternoon as he can, stalling until there are only a couple of hours left before Cass brings Elena home, and when the sun threatens to descend, he gives up and stacks his new books on the coffee table, going through them one by one in search of more messages. The first few have nothing out of the ordinary for him, but the fourth one he looks at catches his eye quickly, the same handwriting there.

E, it feels rather perfect to start a new book today, with the ghost of your lips still on mine. I don’t believe I have all the words to express the hunger I felt after indulging in that first taste, but I dream of the impossible world in which I could be truly satisfied.

A kiss, their first even, and another message that reads like it could be a diary entry if it weren’t for the earlier reference to giving each other books. It also sounds like the author and E still can’t be together publicly, which has Alex’s chest clenching no matter how long ago this relationship may have been resolved. He doesn’t know much, but the phrasing in all the messages seems rather formal, or at least old-fashioned, which would make it possible that these are from a generation before Elijah’s grandpa, and while Alex isn’t sure it’s fair to make many guesses about the handwriting itself, penmanship a different art form decades ago, he doesn’t think the person is notably young or old. It’s also probably an instinctual vibe more than anything else, but he leans toward it being a man, or maybe he’s just imagining himself in this person’s place, and the words as the same things he’d write to someone he loves.

Alex turns the pages, the novel itself of no importance right now, and he reads the next passage.

E, I have so many sleepless nights now, most of them when I haven’t been able to see you and cannot know how safe you are, but every one of them is worth it when we’re together again and I can steal enough time to make myself believe you’re still mine. I can’t stop worrying about what could happen if we’re ever caught, and how violently people could react to this love they don’t understand, but I will continue to be there with you because it’s the only place I can rest while wide awake.

So, the relationship has grown, some sort of meeting place established now, though it’s dangerous to be there together, and Alex doesn’t know why it hadn’t struck him before, but he wonders if maybe one of them is black, kept apart before the civil rights movement had the chance to bring them together.

He picks up his phone to text Elijah and ignores the slight shake of his hand.

Found another book

The response comes far more quickly than Alex expects.

Yeah awesome. Still to e?

Yep. Questions. Any e somewhere older than grandpa? Great grandparents? Any interracial couples?

Shit yeah my gg was evelyn. Never knew her. Died a long time ago. No interracial I know of why?

Still sounds like they’re hiding. Kissed but all secret and worried about being caught

It takes a few minutes before his phone sounds again, and Alex tries not to hold his breath as he continues to flip through the book in search of anything else. He needs to get up and make something for dinner, Elena set to arrive shortly after that, but then he finds the next message just as a new text appears.

Wow ok. Hey about to head to work but you can send questions whenever

You sure

Very. Have a good night

Ok you too

He sets the phone aside and reads from the page in his lap.

E, I am so sorry, darling. I’ve been ill and at home and so far from you, and I can only hope you will be back to take this book from me when I’ve finally returned to my office again. And perhaps I can dream of seeing relief in your eyes rather than the reluctance our relationship might deserve. If there is anything certain, it’s that I would give anything to have you here with me, the chill unbearable without your love to keep me warm.

Alex finds himself more overwhelmed by his concern for an illness that has long passed than he is amused by the absolute corniness of that last line. It’s romantic enough, but sticky sweet, and he just wishes he had any of E’s notes to confirm how each of these was received. And he certainly hopes there are more messages to come—that whatever kept them apart didn’t do so forever.

He really, really needs to get up now, but he also needs to read at least one more message, and he sighs with relief when he finds it in another margin.

Oh, E, seeing you tonight was the very greatest pleasure, the breath passed between us enough to keep me alive until the day I can give it all back again. It almost felt like we kissed so long that the night could have led us straight into the next. I only wish we could be together elsewhere, my gratitude for our shadows waning when I know there are empty rooms here at my home. When there is so much time we’re still not allowed to claim as ours. Touches that remain forbidden.

And with that, knowing that their journey goes on, Alex tells himself it’s okay to close the book for a while. He can’t talk to Elijah about anything right now anyway, and Elena will arrive soon, so he makes a couple of trips upstairs, the stacks of books in his arms, and he piles them next to his bed for later.

He returns to the kitchen and heats up a frozen burrito that would make half his family weep, then grabs some chips and salsa too, and he’s just cleaning up afterward when he hears the doorbell. Cassidy still has a key, as does his daughter, but there are new boundaries in place even when he hasn't requested them, and none of these custodial trade-offs come with opening doors without permission, no matter how easily it will be granted.

“Hey, guys, come on in,” he says.

Elena rolls her mini suitcase into the house, her backpack loaded too, and she pauses only long enough for a quick thumbs up, high five, hi dad, bye dad, before she’s off to her bedroom without a need for an entire conversation, Alex confident that she’ll have plenty to tell him later. Cassidy, though, stays on the front porch, the light leaving her halfway lost to the shadows.

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