Page 79 of Loved By You

“The egg came first,” Brad says confidently.

“No, it was the chicken,” Harry confirms.

“How did the chicken get there then… from the egg.”

“So how did the chicken get there then, dumbass? Tell me that. Did it just fall out the sky?”

“Will you two zip it? I don’t give a hoot who came first, the chicken, the egg or the damn duck. Just someone pass me something before she pees all over these contracts,” I saythrough gritted teeth. I can feel myself unraveling. How is it this hard to change one diaper?

“Here, use this.”

Harry passes me the butt cream, and I put it on and then go in with the powder.

“Oh, noooo,” I mutter.

“What?” Dumb and Dumber mutter in unison.

“It’s made a paste; she looks like a rotisserie chicken ready for the oven,” I say in horror.

Why would Ria want to be with me or have me around her girls, if I can’t even change a damn diaper?

“Jack, look, look at my flower,” Lexi calls waving around a piece of paper.

“Great job, princess. I’ll take a look in a sec,” I say back, lowering my tone, muttering, “Jack’s just having a crisis at the minute.”

How the hell does Ria do this? She’s Superwoman.

“Yeah, you are meant to use butt cream or powder, not both, Google says,” Harry tells me, looking at his phone.

I glare up at him.

“Where the hell was that information three minutes ago, huh? Quick, hand me a wet wipe.”

“I can’t. You used them all cleaning up the baby shi—uhhh, poop.”

I wipe my hands down my face in frustration, forgetting they are covered in butt cream and powder.

“Bro, you got a little something right there.” Harry gestures to my cheek.

I slowly turn my head and stare at him dead in the eyes, giving him a murderous look.

“Never mind, looks great.” Shaking his head, I can see he’s desperately trying to stifle a laugh.

“Why am I still holding this trash can?” Brad groans, looking round for somewhere to put it.

Our heads all turn at the sound of running water coming from my desk.

“Aaahhhh, the contracts,” I shriek as I scoop Elle up. Harry dives for the contracts, flinging pee in mine and Brad's direction.

“Dude, what the hell?” Brad shrieks.

Game over, I lose it. Tears prick my eyes and I laugh. Looking round my office, it looks like the aftermath ofThe Hangover, we're just missing the tiger.

Clothes, toys, wet wipes, diapers, food and drinks scattered everywhere. Harry looks like he’s about to go in to battle with his makeshift balaclava still round his face and Brad hasn't moved the suit jacket that’s now covered in pee that he's been holding in front of his face for fear of breathing in the smell of baby poo.

I accept defeat and tape the new diaper together before I dress Elle. The poor baby has her onesie half undone and a very loose diaper hanging off her butt.

“I need a drink,” I breathe out.

---