Page 29 of Big & Bossy

I needed to constantly remind myself not to latch on to those moments where it felt like it had before, all those years ago. This was one hundred percent fake. The desire I saw in him last night was bogus. I couldn’t let it affect me, not again. I was only teasing him to rile him up. Nothing more.

It couldn’t be anything more.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Amanda asked, her face screwing up in confusion. “Saying ‘I did it for you’ just feels like an excuse, Mandy.”

“I know. I have no idea what he meant.” I stared down at the ring, the shimmer of it under the soft glow of the restaurant’s lights almost hypnotizing. “He said I wouldn’t understand and he was right.”

Amanda sighed as she plucked a plate off the serving cart, placing it in front of me. The restaurant she ran closed after their afternoon menu to prepare for dinner, and waiters and hostesses were shuffling around us, preparing for the evening service. I’d figured now was as good a time as any to sneak in to see her—with it being closed, the paparazzi couldn’t get in to snap their obsessive little photos of me. Amanda was the head chef here, and whenever I showed up like this, she always liked to force-feed me new recipes. I never complained.

“It feels weird wearing something on my ring finger,” I mumbled, unable to tear my gaze away from it even with the fancy little portion of gnocchi in front of me. “Doubly weird that it’s probably obscenely expensive and I need to be careful.”

“Never thought I’d see the day when you got engaged,” Amanda snickered, sliding into the seat next to me and stabbing a gnocchi with my fork. She lifted it to my mouth as she made little airplane noises.

I glared at her as I opened my mouth, happily receiving the little parcel of potato and garlic. “I’m hardly engaged,” I said around a mouthful of food. “I don’t think this counts.”

“It counts more than anything else you’re likely to do.” She popped a gnocchi into her mouth, humming her approval to herself. “If only it were real.”

I fake gagged and watched her cheerful expression drop, slight horror taking over. “No, no, that wasn’t about the food. The gnocchi is great. It was the idea of actually being engaged to Jackson that made me gag.”

“Thank God. You scared me,” she chuckled, plucking another plate off the cart and sliding it in front of me. This one looked like calamari, with small bits of breaded something and two dips to choose from.

“Calamari?” I asked.

“Something like that.”

“Nope. Absolutely not. Do not serve me rocky mountain oysters, Amanda,” I laughed, pushing the plate away . “I have never and will never have a taste for bull testicles.”

“But you’re engaged to one.” She held back her giggles as she reached across, plucking one of the oysters off my plate and popping it into her mouth. So gross. “Seriously, how are you feeling about everything?”

“Like I want to launch myself off of Bear Peak.”

“It can’t be that bad. It’s not like you actually have to marry him,” she said, her voice going soft as she realized that I really was struggling.

“No, but I have to spend time with him. Too much time. I have to pretend to be in love with him. And I don’t really have another option.”

“What, you can’t back out?”

“Well, not now. I’ve already said yes and it’s already being printed in the papers. If I had said no, who knows what would have happened to our contract? Who knows if the media would have ever stopped hounding me?” I placed my elbows on the table, burying my face in my hands like a child. “I couldn’t say no.”

Amanda rubbed my back gently. “You’ll get through this. It’s only temporary.”

“I don’t want to get through it,” I scoffed. “This is going to be so obscenely hard, Amanda. Especially with my mind playing tricks on me and his incessant cockiness. I know it’ll be worth it in the end, I’m sure of that, but I might just entirely destroy myself in the process.”

“You won’t. I promise. It’ll be hard but I’ll be here through all of it and so will Harry.”

Having them by my side wouldn’t fix the anger. It wouldn’t fix the sadness, the irritation, the nasty feeling in my gut that had been brewing since we’d kissed in my office. Those were things I’d have to weather on my own, and god fucking dammit, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have to face this. How could I pretend to be in love with him now when ten years ago that was my reality, a reality that ended with my heart being shattered?

My phone pinged in my purse as Amanda’s manager stepped up to the table. He mumbled something to her, and she turned to me, an apologetic look on her face. “I’ll be right back.”

I nodded, watching her step away as I slid my phone out. A text notification from Jackson sat at the top of my screen above all the others from the media that I had ignored.

I’m picking you up at noon tomorrow for a date. Wear pants.

I rolled my eyes at his demand. Absolutely not, I thought, opening up the message to reply to him.

You’re coming to my house?

Is that a problem? They already know where you live.

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