Page 41 of Merciless Is My Crown

“Tristan, you and Adele go through first. Touch nothing on the other side.” His shoulders curved in beneath the heavy coat, but he nodded again miserably, as if he were beyond words. “Adele, stay on your horse. Keep moving, do not stop. The air will be cold, but you’ll emerge on the other side into a chamber exactly like this one.”

“Don’t leave Tristan’s side,” Anaria warned in a soft, hesitant voice, as if she knew—fucking knew—the dangerous edge I was treading right now. Her condescending, placating tone only enraged me more, ramping up my anger and frustration like pouring oil on an already roaring fire.

The moment the blue swirling portal swallowed them up, I stuck my finger in her face.

“You have no fucking right,” I hissed. “No fucking right. There is nothing wrong with me. Nothing. I have fought and bled and almost died for you, and you sit there and tell me I’m too weak to even get us back home?”

“I…” Her eyes swam with tears. Good. I wanted her to regret every fucking word. “I’m so, so sorry, Tavion. I shouldn’t have said it like that…I won’t ever mention it again.” But something glimmered in her eyes, some terrible truth hidden behind that apology, and I exploded.

“You think you get to pity me? I’m five times your age, have seen horrors of this world you cannot even begin to imagine. You’re a child,” I sneered. “You know nothing. Your opinion does not matter, and the next time you feel the need to spout your opinions…keep them to yourself, princess.”

Her eyes, always her best feature, went flat. Empty. I wanted to vomit.

And still that treacherous blackness spread through my head, whispering and whispering like its malice had no end.

“I’ll keep my opinions to myself. I apologize.”

“See that you do.” I didn’t know the last time I’d been this angry.

After Julian. After seeing his body in the forest, mauled and torn, barely recognizable, something had broken inside me…No. I was not fucking broken.

Before she could say anything else, before I said something I’d regret, I plunged into the portal, welcoming the cold bite of magic, the endless stillness, the thick silence that pounded in my eardrums.

Then the stillness changed, the cold grew warmer, and I closed my eyes, ignoring the tears pricking at my lids, the ache in my heart as the thin, effervescent air warmed and became steeped in the radiant scent of jasmine and amber.

As if even here, in the middle of absolute nothingness, she could make this place come completely alive with the barest touch.

Her hand, so very small, gripped mine.

“Tavion. I am truly sorry.” The pale glow echoed in her eyes, turning them into pools of light. “I hate to see you hurting.” Her voice was so soft, the barest whisper of sound in here, swallowed up by the vastness of this place.

“I couldn’t stand your pain and I made a mistake. I see that now, and for calling your strength into question, I am truly sorry. You have always protected me. Always.”

I should apologize.

I wanted to apologize, but that fucking darkness egged me on. Urging me to say something so stupid, so utterly untrue, I wanted to rip my own tongue out.

And still, I couldn’t stop the vile words.

“When we leave Nightcairn…” I blew out a long breath, hot enough to melt the snowflakes spinning through the air before I lied, “You should continue on with Tristan and Adele. Dane will accompany you to the Barrens and make your introductions, since you pointed out I’d only be in the way.”

Fuck.

This was like something—some shadowy phantom—was controlling me. Some puppet master making me say and think terrible, unforgivable things. I paused in horror.

Was I infected?

Had that fucking Reaper gotten into me in the Wynter Palace?

I was so wrapped up in my own horror, I completely missed what Anaria was saying.

“…if that is what you wish, then we’ll find a way to manage.” She lowered her head in defeat, and I wanted to scream. This girl fought against everything. Fucking every single thing, but not this time. No, she wouldn’t even try to convince me to go with her to the Barrens, was perfectly happy to leave me behind…because she didn’t want me.

Anaria didn’t want me because I was damaged. Wrong.

Cold harsher than a long, endless Solarys winter sank deep into my bones, and I plunged my hands into my pockets to hide the shaking.

I was not sick.

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