Page 77 of It Never Was

"To burden anyone with my problems," her eyes shutter as she gathers the strength to look at me again. The pools in her eyes returning on the verge of flowing over, "with my fucked up traumas and worries", her voice grew shakier, "I don't want you to have to hear the pain and ache that tries to scratch to the surface, as it attempts to rip through my chest." She swallows hard and her head gives in to the support of my hands as I feel the weight of her head fully in my hold. I want to take those monsters she has inside and burn them alive. "These things…they don't care how much blood I choke on in the process." The tears stream down her cheeks, I rub them out of the way with my thumbs, "I won't let you hear them. It wouldn't be fair to you. To anyone. I have been able to take care of it all by myself for this long, I still can." Her voice cracking as she tries to move away from my embrace

How can she think this?

How can she care about how this will affect me or anyone else in her life when she is here dying from the inside out right in front of me. I can see the monsters in the darkness taking over with each word she spills to me.

"It's not fair to add you to the suffering, Parker." She chokes on her words and my heart cracks open.

I can't hold back any longer.

"Ryen…" my head dips low, my hands bringing her to me, "I don't give a fuck about the burdens or the suffering." I lean my forehead on hers, "I would live in them, make them my own…" my lips hover over hers, "all in the hopes that you would let me stay right here…" more tears make their way down her soft cheeks, she is shaking her head as I continue, "in hopes I could stay close to you. Let me in."

She inhales deeply falling back into my embrace, "What if you don't see me the same afterwards?"

"Impossible." I said before she could even finish her last word completely. Nothing she could say would change the pull she has on my heart.

"Okay." She said in a hushed tone, looking up at me through her lashes.

My heart pounded as I let the weight of what she just said seep in. She was going to let me in.

44

Parker

"He has his own demons he fights." She was back in front of her desk. Her hand taps the edge as she leans back against, "He just happened to use me to work them out." Her words are rushed.

"And how was that?" My voice was low, I didn't want to risk scaring her now that she was opening up. I was asking more so I can hear it for from her. I know what he did. He made it clear the kind of guy he was the morning I saw him drunk in the lobby with her.

"He would—" she picks at the desk now, unease written all over her, "He wasn't always like this, you know?" She chuckled as she peeled a piece of the laminate coating from the desk. "He used to be sweet and kind. He used to be polite and ask me how my day was. He would take me on dates and call me just to talk about our days."

"That's the bare minimum, Ryen." I state.

"Yes, I know." Her head shaking as it bowed lower, "But he wasn't like this."

"What is 'this'?" I asked again, she was trying to avoid the words. I didn't blame her.

"Hurtful." Her eyes shot to mine as the single word left her lips. "He wasn't so mean..." Her breath hitched in her throat. "I didn't have to worry about if I was going to have backlash for what I did or said." She straightens up, her brows pinching together as she continued. "There were no bruising touches or lessons to learn. That's all there is now. Just fear and pain. And it might sound crazy, but I loved him until he—" She caught the words in her throat.

"Until he…" I parroted her, waiting for her to continue. I could already feel my skin begin to itch with the need to search this guy down, and I didn't know what she was about to say. All I knew is if it was the final straw for her then it was fucking bad. He put his hands on her. Hurt her emotionally and physically and she still stayed…she still gave him her love. Whatever he did to lose her had to have been—I took a deep breath trying to not let my anger take over.

"I—I don't know how to even say it." She was squirming in discomfort. "I haven't even told anyone about the...the other way he would treat me. Let alone this." Her arms flew out landing with a hard thud on her thighs.

I inch closer, "You don't have to tell me. If that's all you want to share for now, you don't have to say anymore."

"It's just that now, I feel like he is watching me. Like he is everywhere I go nowadays." She shakes her head mindlessly but continues, "It's probably all in my head but there's this pit in my stomach that I might be right." Her eyes scan the room as if he could be hiding in here with us.

I can see the terror in her eyes, no wonder she hasn't been sleeping well. She is sitting in this house all alone thinking her fucked up ex is watching her. I tried to recall all the shifts we have been having and thinking if I have seen Devon even just a little bit, but I can't seem to think of a time I had. But I swear to god if that fucker didn't listen to my words when I beat the shit out of him, I'll make sure he listens the next fucking time I see him.

"You've seen him since then?" I say, roaring starts in my ears at the thought of him even trying to see her again. He slipped through the cracks once when he came on my day off. I wasn't about to have him get away with it again.

"No." she huffs, "I just feel him. And I know that sounds like I'm a psycho, okay."

"It doesn't make you sound like a psycho Ryen." I take her hands, feeling them shake in mine. "I don't want you to ever feel unsafe under any circumstances, but especially not because of that asshole."

She lets out a soft chuckle before she starts to cry.

"It's okay." I lift her chin gently.

"Sorry." She sniffles out.

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