Page 41 of It Never Was

He gives me one more look, making me think he is about to change his mind and stay with me. That he is going to close the door and hold me. Telling me that everything will be okay, I didn't mean to trigger you, I didn't mean to scare you. I still want you. I'm sorry.

But he doesn't.

He walks out the door, closing it behind him and the little air I had disappears.

I am gasping for it to return, for him to return.

What just happened?

I let the weight of my body fall to the cushions, no longer able to keep myself up, it's taking too much of my energy. My body convulsing from my sobs. My chest constricted, I sat on my bare ass, bringing my knees to my chest, holding them to stop them from shaking, to help myself find comfort. My nails dig into my bare legs. The fog crawls back into my mind.

"I don't think I like this game…can we stop…" My voice is small and hushed.

"No, we haven't even gotten to the good part, little one." His hands are on my waist now, making my night shirt rise up.

I can't see anything. He put the night mask on my eyes, he told me it was part of a game. I don't know what game this is, but I don't want to play anymore. My stomach feels weird, I don't know what it means. All I know is it feels the same way when I see my mom start to drink too much.

"I don't think my mommy would want me to play this game with you." I whisper.

"Your mommy doesn't care what games you play. Plus, you aren't gonna tell her about this one. She would be jealous I didn't play it with her instead."

The tips of his fingers crawl further up, and I try to move away.

"Stop. Moving." He snaps at me.

I start to rock back and forth as I shiver at the flashbacks. Shaking my head harder to get them to leave me alone.

Go away, stop, please.

I don't want to remember.

I lay my body on the rough scratchy couch that mother usually sleeps on in the living room. My body trembles. The recollection that I am half naked dawns on me again and I try to find my pants. I stretch myself to reach them on the floor, my muscles aching and groaning as I do, this feels like more effort than it should be. My limbs feel like they are full of rocks. I struggle to pull them up but manage nonetheless, not caring if my underwear is no wear to be found.

Once they are secured on, I collapse back in place with the springs under the cushions becoming more and more present. Holding myself just like I was before. The fabric is not as itchy as it was before with pants on now. My body feels exhausted, my breathing is still labored. My eyelids start to droop as I blink. The panic attack is taking its toll.

Moonlight cascades in through the windows in the front of the house, dimly lighting up the room. The fog is starting to dissipate from my mind, but the pain still lingers. I have no more energy to move or think. All the energy I have left is trying to steady my breathing. I blink slowly, keeping my focus on the wooden panels of the floor. Every blink seems to get longer and longer, then it goes black.

24

Devon

My whole body was vibrating as the adrenaline took me over.

This was nothing like the high I got when I hurt her, nothing like when I made her cry.

This was pure ecstasy, and I knew it was going to become an addiction.

Fuck, it already was.

Moments ago, I left her a mess on the floor, and here I was already replaying the way she struggled in my hold. The sobs she let out as I tore through her with no remorse. The way she was trying to repel me, but her body took her over, disobeying her wishes. I could feel every muscle in her body tensing on my cock as I drove into her. I didn't hold back, didn't care if I was ripping her apart. Every horrified facial expression of hers only heightened the buildup in my balls and cock.

The way her face morphed with shame and disgust when her body tensed at its unwanted climax. The pure shame in her eyes was enough to make me bust.

I have never came so hard in my fucking life. My toes curled and my eyes bursted with stars.

I needed more of that. Nothing could compare to that moment.

I was a fiend.

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