Page 53 of It Never Was

I have been taking it day by day, but it seems to be getting more complicated. My mind won't settle.

On one hand I want to say fuck it and allow myself to give into the comfort and ease of Parker, but then the other hand weights down on me, making me feel as if what I am doing is wrong or dirty. Logically I know I am not in the wrong but that voice inside my head. That bitch, she is winning.

I don't need to settle this right away.

What I do need to do is process what Devon did first. That is simpler for me. It shouldn't be but it is, sadly, because this isn't the first time someone has done this to me. Saw an opening to take advantage and pounced.

I just never thought it would be someone I love.

Loved?

Fuck, that is the complicated part.

I let out a long and over exasperated sigh, my mind won't stop, I need to focus on this study guide for my test this week. But my brain doesn't seem to want to. The words are all there and I am reading them, but I am not processing or comprehending anything. The two topics it has on repeat are my boyfriend…ex-boyfriend? And my new co-worker.

I need to get it together…whatever that means in this fucked up situation.

I tap my phone screen and it illuminates the time on a bold number.

10:24 pm.

I need sleep.

To any other college student that would be early, but I have to work tomorrow which means if I go to bed now, I'll be lucky if I get three hours of sleep. Closing notebooks and getting them in my backpack for tomorrow I aimlessly toss my body into bed, curling my covers around me. I focus on keeping my eyes closed, trying to fake sleep till I make myself actually sleep.

My mom hasn't been coming home for a few days at a time lately and even though she probably wouldn't protect me it's nice having another body in the house for my own piece of mind.

"I'm not done with you yet!"

I yank my legs up, bringing my knees to my chest, my eyes pop open. My breath speeds up as I remind myself, I am safe, I am in bed.

Devon. Is. Not. Here.

But it doesn't ease my mind, my rational side knows I'm safe, but the other side is still living in that moment.

On replay. Over. And. Over.

I try to swallow but my throat is dry, I start to rock myself to sleep. A small whimper catches in my throat, I can't seem to find comfort. All I can do is hope for a quick relief of falling unconscious.

"It's okay baby girl, it's just me." whiskey and smoke, that's all I smell as the words make their way over me.

I know who it is, I knew by the footsteps making their way down the hall moments before my door opened.

My body is shaking, and I can't stop the humming in my ears.

"Did you miss me?" Rough hands caress the top of my head, and the edge of the mattress weighs down as he makes himself comfortable, "God, I've missed you."

His thumb rubs along my jawline before patting me on the cheek.

"I've missed our little games, I bet you have too. Are you ready to play one?"

I keep my eyes shut, hoping if I don't open them, if I don't speak, he will think I am asleep, that I am too tired to play tonight. Then he will go away. He will play with mommy.

"I know you aren't sleeping…" he slaps my cheek a little harder, and my eyes snap open, the sting making my eyes water. His hand grasps my chin and yanks my face to him.

"There's my pretty little girl." His grin grows wide, and his eyes run down my frame.

I want to disappear. I want to run to mommy and tell her what is happening. That I don't like these games, to make them stop. But mostly I wish my mommy was a mommy that would listen, but she's not.

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