Page 58 of It Never Was

But it doesn't come, I peek one eye open and find Parker's firm grip on Devon's hand, that is just an inch from mine.

"No." is all Parker says as he pulls Devon's arm behind his back, pushing him along, heading towards the door of the shop.

Devon drunkenly takes a swing at Parker behind him, the awkward angle making it a challenge.

I shrink into my skin. But Devon's fist is met with only air, his feet barely keeping up with Parker's speed. "Nice try." Parker tells him yanking his arm and hauling his body in front of him. Parker flattens his hand on Devon's back. Pushing him out the door with ease. Devon falls to his knees.

"You can't just—" Devon is cut off by the door slamming into place. Parker turns the lock and returns to face me. His chest is rising and falling quicker now.

I wince as Devon's fist hits the glass, "We are closed. Can't you read?" Parker shouts to Devon, but he is still facing me. A few more crashes land on the windowed door before he storms away, rage behind his glossy, drunken eyes. The tightness in my stomach turning to knots as the feeling of something to come lingers in the pit of my gut. I know Devon, he won't let this go.

A cold sweat sweeps over me.

Parker keeps his back to the door, never reacting the whole time, then he starts to walk to me. I feel the body heat as he closes in. He steadily lifted his hands to my shoulders, rubbing his thumb against them, above my sweatshirt. I back away from the embrace, from the touch. Even as I curse myself from pulling away, I know it's not his touch that has me trembling, but it's a touch all the same. His arm lingers in the air where they met my shoulder for a second then heavily drop down to his sides. Slipping both into the pockets of his apron as if he is letting me know I am safe from his touch.

I want his touch, but my mind can't separate his touch from Devon's right now.

Panic sets in and my throat burns, my airways closing.

I want to scream.

"Are you okay?" he softly whispered through the space between us.

"I think so." My voice quivers, and my chin shakes. I can't get enough air in.

Why am I lying?

I am not okay. I haven't been in a long time. But I have always just let things slide. Because that is what Ryen does, she survives, she seals the cracks and moves on.

This time I can't.

Visions take over, the way Devon caged me in on the sofa.

Shhh…just take it baby. You know you like this.

I want to scream. I need to scream.

You like learning your lesson, so wet to have me teach you.

Devon's voice echoes in my head, bouncing off the wall of my skull.

My hands shake, I form a fist and I look down to see my knuckles turning white.

"Come with me." Parker tilts his head towards the kitchen door, not taking my hand. No touches. His hands remain in his aprons the whole time.

I want to grab him. I want to let him know he can touch me, that he can hold me. Make me feel better. Take this cloud of hurt away. But I know I can't handle it just yet. Not truly. No matter how much my broken pieces want it, they also won't allow it.

My broken pieces.

I was broken, I am broken.

I have never said that to anyone, not even myself. I would call myself damaged or cracked but never broken. But I knew right now in this very moment, as my ghostly movement followed Parker through the swaying door, that that was exactly what I was.

Broken.

Seeing Devon made it all real, what he does, what he did.

Parker pulls open the walk-in gesturing me to go inside. I entered, not questioning why. Just doing it. I made my way all the way in letting the cold air hit my hot face, no shivers erupted, no relief, it felt like it was happening to me in a dream. Like I knew what was happening but because it wasn't real, I couldn't feel the true extent of it.

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