Page 63 of It Never Was

Was he already with someone else? Was he doing the same things he did to me with them?

I put the car in drive not wanting to see him any longer. My pulse grew rapidly as I tried my best to not floor it out of there.

Devon's gaze shot up just as I was passing and the honey hues locked with mine, his grin turning demonic.

Anger boiled in me. He was just there.

Being Devon.

And I was a mess, my life was paralyzed because of everything he did. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know who I was. I was fighting the past more and more everyday trying not to drown. I was fighting for my fucking life. My hands shake as I grip the steering wheel firmer.

This was the first real emotion I had felt in a long time, and it was loathe for him.

I can't do this.

My eyes snap from him to the road as I book it down the street, but before my eyes leave his I see him chuckle and turn back to whoever is in the car. The swirling feeling in my stomach takes over, bile rising in my throat as flashes of that night take over again.

"Yeah you like it like this, don't you."

An ache rolls through my chest. Fog leaking into my brain.

"You like learning your lesson, so wet to have me teach you."

I need to go home.

I need to be as far away from him as possible.

35

Ryen

One month later

If I thought I was broken before, I was sadly mistaken. This right now was broken.

The hope wasn't there, to escape this trench I was pacing in. I thought it would come at some point. That one day I would wake up and feel the need to fight again. Fight to breath, to move on, to fucking live without the numbness I felt in my body. But after these weeks passed by, I stopped waiting for it.

The anger wasn't there anymore either after the stare off with Devon. I don't know if that was a good sign or a bad one, but it was true nonetheless.

I wasn't talking to many people, unless you count the customers and students in my classes. On a good note, I was passing all my courses, but that was probably because all my time was devoted to solely that. My finals were the only things I needed to keep in mind, passing and getting to the next classes in the winter term. Passing means I am one step closer to being done with school and closer to being done with this town. The town that Devon was in. The town my mother was in. The town that harbored all my monsters and demons.

Willow was still pestering but not nearly as much as she was before. Paul was there, but they were both finally giving me the space I was telling them I needed. My mother was scarcely around, yes that was normal for her, but not to this extent.

There was still the routine of Parker escorting me from the parking lot in the morning, his eyes grew with worry as the weeks passed but I couldn't let myself go there. I shouldn't bring his new life here or drag him into the trenches with me. He was a co-worker and that is how it was going to stay.

Even with his trying.

They weren't grand things but small things.

The parking lot escorts, the holding the door for me, coffee refills during my breaks, random looks he would give me from the work bench as he rolled, kneaded, and blended various batters and fillings. His eyes were full of…something I knew I couldn't give him.

There was something that happened in the moment of silent help that he gave after Devon's drunken fiasco. A silent help he has kept giving me ever since. I don't know how, but he has. And I, in return, was equally silently thankful.

Devon hasn't popped up at the coffee shop, campus or my house. I haven't seen him since I spotted him that day.

No calls, messages, no form of communication.

It added to the pain.

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