Page 66 of It Never Was

"You should go." Willow states in a rush as she looks over her shoulder again, making sure the door had stopped swinging before she talked.

Willow's touch still lingered on my skin. The heat radiated through the fabric. It was taking everything in me not to shiver at the feeling. I know she wasn't being cruel but the feel of someone touching me, even Willow, had my nerves firing up. Making my feet want to run.

"What are you talking about?" my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"You should go hang with Parker and Gabriel. I think it would be good for you." Concern was laced in her words, the same concern that was in her eyes.

"I don't think I need to go hang out with Parker and his little brother."

"I think you do." Her words are flat.

"Why?"

"Because…" she huffed out a breath in frustration, "I don't know what happened with Devon, Rye. But I am not stupid, regardless of my blonde hair, and I am most definitely not blind. I know he did something to…" she paused, deciding what word to use, "…hurt you."

Her eyes felt heavy on me now, the pity she must feel for me, little old Ryen who can't even get a boy to love her in a decent way. I didn't need her pity, even if it was out of her caring for me. I had dealt with this all by myself this whole time, through my mother's friends, through Devon's rampages. I could get through this now. Numb and safe. A one-woman act.

"I am not gonna push you to tell me anymore, but just by seeing how you have been a ghost of yourself lately tells me all I need to know. I just want you to know…" she straightened up her posture catching my attention, "There are guys out there that will treat you right. That will give you the love you deserve. And I have seen how Parker is with you. I think he would be one of those guys."

The word love makes me sink into myself. I wasn't sure what that was anymore, or if it even existed. I haven't had the best role models. The only one that made me feel that it could be real, real but rare, was Paul and Lisa.

And look how that ended.

I wince at my own thoughts, Lisa and Paul had something rare and strong and raw. They had something so many search for but never find. I shouldn't be dismissing it because of how it ended with no fault of their own.

I was just so…tired.

Tired of the pain. Tired of giving pieces of my soul for nothing in return. I was tired of being the one to have to be the one to make it all…keep going.

So was I lashing out, yes. Was I pushing away, yes.

But couldn't I just do that?

"Parker is polite with everyone, he doesn't do anything extra with me." I brush off her words with a wave of my hands. Trying to calm my nerves.

"If you say so." Her eyes dismissed my statement, "But he still shows you he is a good guy. Let him show you more."

I couldn't argue with that bit.

Parker has shown nothing but patience and understanding. Even before the Devon incident, he was always so warm, he wanted to get to know me, not just at the surface but deep within. The small moments and the big. But that didn't stop my brain from being scared of all of it. It was scary before when Devon and I first started to date, and it's more than terrifying now after everything.

"I don't think I can Willow." The sound my voice was making had her brows crease, I thought it was more pity at first glance but as I looked at her it was empathy.

"Just try. If you don't want to stay, then go. Take your own car. But try." She looked at me more intensely now, "I just don't want you to get lost in the darkness Devon put you in."

My eyes stung and the back of my throat burned as it seemed to close slowly at her words.

Devon was the tipping point, she had no idea of all the monsters that lurked in the back of my mind, or how many scratch marks I've survived before this last monster showed his claws. I didn't need her to know, I couldn't dull Willow's light.

But as wounded and bandaged as I am, as much as I was okay with being numb right now, I knew I didn't want to lose myself either.

I didn't want to stay lost in the darkness like Willow said.

"Okay" I say shortly as I approach Parker and Gabe who are still in the same spot in the lobby, "But I am taking my own car."

"What?" Parker is looking at me with such confusion on his face that I second guess the invitation and wonder if Gabe was just joking around.

Shit. My hands start to sweat as I fidget and twirl the strap of my bag, a nervous habit of mine lately.

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