Page 82 of It Never Was

It felt strangely comforting to have Parker here. I was self-conscious of everything about this house but with him here it made my mind calm, my body wasn't on edge. He made me feel…safe. And I have never felt this way completely, not with what this house reminds me of. With the whispers of painful nights and ignored cries. I have moments of calm but there was a match I was waiting to be lit in the back of my mind, a voice that told me if I didn't keep my guard up the prey would come in for the attack. The monsters that lurked in the dark cracks of this house didn't pause to sink their fangs into my neck if I let the heavy walls crumble down.

But with Parker here…the house felt like just a house and not the museum of my traumas.

"Thanks for coming. I just didn't want to be alone." Parker was leaning against the wall by my desk as I put my things away.

"You call and I'll come running." He lowered his head to me, the storm clouds that were his eyes swirled, "Always." He pushed off the wall and came to my side, I turned to him, burying my face into his chest. His large arms wrapped around me, and I now understood what it meant to have a safety blanket, to have someone feel so reassuringly loving you. I pushed the thought of love away.

Love, Ryen? He hasn't even said that.

"You still feel like you see him?" I nodded my head in response, "I won't let anyone hurt you again." He nudged me and I looked up to him, his head cranking down more with my short frame. He ran his fingertips across my cheek and cupped it in his hand. I couldn't help the flutter of my eyelids at the soothing sensation it gave me, "Ever. You're my girl now, right?"

I popped my eyes open. He said it again. That I was his girl. Again, my only response was a nod. The electricity that shot down my body caused me to shiver. There was no hiding it from him, the reaction to his words. His eyes grew darker, like the storm was growing stronger in those cloudy hues.

He said it on the phone earlier and it made me react too but the mixture of his touch, his smell, his eyes…it all made it so much more intense. I clenched my thighs together, his eyes wavered just a second to see my movement. And when they came back to me in a split second, I swear I could feel the fire in them.

"My girl. No one else's. And I take care of what is mine." His hand pushed away my hair, tossing it over my shoulder as the other traveled down my spine stopping at the curve of my lower back.

My body leaned forward wanting more of his touch, more of his scent. I wanted to taste him on my lips again. My breath was heated and labored, all he did was run his hands down my back and give me soft tender words. But fuck was I full of need.

"Let me take care of you Ryen." His words were in my ear and my knees wobbled at the notion.

He is just gonna use you and then leave like every other guy has. The fucking voice pushed through again.

"What's wrong? Where'd you go just then?" He tilted my head up to him with his fingers.

"Nothing, nowhere." I clipped out, turning my face to my desk. Scanning the contents spread across it in neat piles.

"Ryen…" he gently nudged my face back, "Talk to me, please." His voice pleaded with me to open up.

"I just don't want you to leave—" The words came out cracked, "Everyone leaves when they get what they want from me."

"What is it you think I want from you?" His brows scrunched together as he waited for my reply. I scanned his face, his perfect fucking face. Watching his eyes search mine, with hurt swimming inside of them. How am I supposed to tell him he wants a broken person, a damaged vessel with more dents and scratches than one can find appealing, a fraction of a person, nowhere close to good enough for this man standing in front of me.

Trying to gather the words up to make sense of the steaming pile of chaos that was my brain's thought process. I swallow hard, “I was told and shown my whole life…" I looked down pushing against Parker's fingers, he dropped them, letting me have the moment, "that men will only want me for one thing…" The sting in the back of my throat burns as the walls of the airways start to contract. I try to let out a breath, but it comes out shaky as I continue, "They will take it and then leave you to have to repair the pieces."

I pushed through the ringing in my ears as the fog of my mind started to roll in, "I don't think I have it in me to lose any more pieces," my voice hitches, "I don't want you to leave…" I paused to catch my breath, my head was spinning, and the memories were banging on the door I was trying to keep shut.

The fog was heavy as it clouded my mind with memories of pain, flashes of faces, aches of my heart as I cried out for help.

"You think your mommy will help you? Who do you think she will believe, you? The daughter who is whoring around the house in front of her boyfriend or me, the man she is falling in love with?"

I clasp my hands on my head trying to push the mental door closed again, but the memories stream out too fast.

"You liked it, at least your pussy did." Devon's voice vibrates through my skull, and I start to shake as the fresh wounds peel back open.

My body tenses and I shake my head for them to stop.

"Hey, hey, hey," Parker pulled me in and held me tightly to his chest, his arm wrapping around me so easily. Swaying us from side to side, as he ran one hand through my waves, "I'm right here," the memories slam shut behind the door of my brain and the fog dissipates as I take deep breaths, the warm vanilla and sandalwood scent calming my shot nerves. "I don't want anything more than you want to give me. I just want you Ryen. Every single piece you will give me. Even if it's the crumbs. I will take them, devour them, and be honored if that is my last fucking meal." A low sob broke out of me hitting his chest. "I don't want to break you," he kissed the top of my head leaving his lips lingering there a moment before resting his cheek against it instead, "I want to help you mend and heal. Fuck, I want to see you grow."

I pulled away enough to look up at him, his eyes were glossy now and it made my heart ache in a way that made me reach up on my tippy toes and kiss his full soft lips. The kiss was filled with pain, pain of the memories I was allowing to play tricks on my mind, and he consumed them all, giving me nothing but love and warmth in return. My lips pressed harder as I parted them and slipped my tongue along his bottom lip, requesting entrance. He paused, looking at me, running a thumb across the drying stream of the tears I let out, "Take what you need from me," his words vibrated on my lips as he hovered above them waiting for me to do just that. Take what I want. "I want you to be in control of this, I want you to feel safe," his eyes waver between my mouth and eyes, "I want my girl to feel good."

The heat bloomed in my core, and I rocked my hips forward, the pink already spread across my face from the embarrassment I felt.

His hands dropped to my hips and brought them forward again, a moan caught in my throat, watching him gaze at me through hooded lids, "Don't stop," he rocked me into him again and I embraced the movement.

"You know what my new favorite color is now?" The words caught me off guard, he leaned in and slowly pressed his lips from one cheek to the other before stopping right at my ear. "Pink. But not just any pink Ryen." His lips trailed down my neck, my skin felt like it was set on fire, he trailed back up again, "This…" he kissed my left cheek, "pink…" following the right with the same gentle kiss, "is my favorite color."

I reach my arms around his neck, lacing my fingers through the base of his soft black hair, pulling to bring him closer to me, "Take from me what you want Ryen. I'm yours," he whispers on my lips before I crash back into him. My hands leave his hair and run down his chest feeling the hills of his muscles as I drag them to the end of his shirt, pausing my path at his hips to glance at him through my lashes. "Let me do what you want."

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