Page 38 of Enjoying the Band in Lockdown

Damn him.

I’d never felt dirty or slutty until now. It had always seemed fun, consensual and a way to pass the time. No one getting hurt or judgy.

Now, I was being suffocated in waves of guilt and shame.

Devon had taken something beautiful, held it up as a mirror and all I could see was a monster. I was a depraved monster. I’d loved everything we’d all done here. Craved more. What sort of woman had I become?

“Sydney, Sydney, talk to me.” Devon’s response was as immediate as my reaction.

I shoved away his hands, needing to find my clothes and self-respect.

“Sydney, sweetheart.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” He’d only say whatever it took to keep my legs open and my heart clueless.

“Sweetheart, Sydney, I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” He pulled me back to the bed before holding up his hands in defeat. “I’m not forcing you to stay but hear me out. Please.”

“Fine.”

“What I meant to say, except my brain had no blood supply.” He fake laughed, pointing at his cock. “I love hearing you call out Xav’s name because it means you’re happy and he’s happy. You make him fucking happy like no other woman has. And many have tried.”

“Ouch,” I shrugged off my jealousy.

“But I also hate hearing you call out his name because it’s not mine. I want to be the only one who can make you come. There’s part of me that wishes I was your guy. What kind of asshole does that make me? I wish my mate’s girl was mine. It isn’t enough that he’s invited me into your bed, so to speak.”

“Fine.” I wasn’t, but I needed to run away. Smash mirrors so I could never see the person I’d become. Change my name and reinvent myself again. Go to crazy lengths to run away from being a woman in love with—

“Syd, please. I was trying to make a joke about how much I love my name on your lips and out of respect for Xav, how much he’d hate to hear it.”

My unshed tears and anger subsided. I’d deal with my self-doubt the way I always did. Alone, out of sight and in my own way. I believed Devon. He was trying to protect Xavier, while making me know how much he wanted tonight on repeat.

“Okay.”

His relief couldn’t be faked.

“The point is,” he continued. “We all care about you.”

“Nice to know.”

“And at the end of the day, as much as they piss me off and we want to belt the living shit out of each other, the guys downstairs are my brothers. I’d probably walk over hot coals for them.”

“I know.”

“So,” he paused. Running a hand through his gorgeous hair, I’d forgive him for anything. A man of few words was struggling to find the right ones, for me. “Look, I guess what I’m trying to say is if we had to be in lockdown with anyone, we’d all pick you. Hands down, and in a heartbeat. I don’t know what Xavier did in a previous lifetime to deserve you but I am so fucking glad you’re in our lives and you’re in my bed and I never want to take advantage of that. Are you okay?”

Perhaps the most words Devon had strung together whilst straight and sober.

“Okay, but what do you do about the competition?”

“Well, Chase took all night. Xavier and you I assume you have a good routine going and he’ll win hands down. We call it when you pressed stop.”

Right then, I couldn’t have loved Devon more. Not when he was putting his ego behind friendship and loyalty. To Xavier and me.

“I need to go and have a shower.” I didn’t know what else to say. Devon, still glorious in his naked glow. Me, feeling like I’d be doing the walk of shame down the corridor.

“Sydney, we’ll be alright. I promise. That shit I said, I was only jealous.”

“Thanks.”

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