Page 71 of Enjoying the Band in Lockdown

Chase and Xavier may have written the words to Dirty Blonde but it was Devon who made them come true. In his arms, riding his cock, I became every bit the dirty anything he wanted me to be. I couldn’t ignore how Devon and Xavier had taken the time to make me feel safe.

I’d trusted them when they tied me up, they gave me back my power, they gave me back my sexuality. They put me in charge of my own body, something I’d never had. They gave me control and I never wanted to be without that or them again.

Chase, sweet Chase. Yes, the answer to his question, yes. If I’d met him before knowing there could be a Xavier, I would have run anywhere with him. Followed him anywhere. But, I couldn’t now, not at the expense of losing Xavier. Yes, I wanted to love Chase. And even now I cared enough to hope that one day he’d leave me for a woman who could love him as much as he deserved. But I was also the selfish bitch that would take everything he had to give and give back everything except my undivided love. I loved Chase. I love the sweetness. I loved the poet inside the man.

Trent. Of course, there was still Trent. How could I give up the man who was one step away from becoming more than just a friend? I knew it was selfish. I knew I had no right to ask Trent to open up and let me inside. Not when he’d been hurt so badly before. But I thought that with time, I could teach him to trust again and eventually he’d be open to loving someone who deserved him.

Jax of the coffee and kisses. I’d never hear a clock chime again without thinking of Jax and his kisses. Damn, damn and damn him again. I had the same love hate relationship with Jax as I had with chocolate. Forget the whole kissing on the hour crap, Jax had become my decadent weakness.

Such a bastard, messing with my mind. But, he’d done it because he knew me so well and then despite being such a bastard he’d been the first to come to Xavier’s side at the front door. He hadn’t flinched when Angelo’s goons stood tall.

In the split second after Angelo slapped me, Xavier had pulled me close, trying to pull me out of reach. But it had been Jax, taking steps to come in between Angelo and me. My protector. While Devon sprinted directly into the line of fire, and Angelo’s fists.

Devon and Jax. I wasn’t their girl, but they’d been willing to stand up in front of men twice their size and who’d earned the right to tattooed tear drops.

I wanted to stay. Needed to leave.

I was so well and truly fucked.

Xavier found me in my safe place, hidden in a corner of the beer garden.

“So what do you want me to call you?

“I guess the first question is now that the concert’s over do you want to call me anything at all? I mean, ever since Jax—”

“Jax is an asshole.”

“Yes, but he’s also a member of your band.”

“He’s jealous. He’s never had a woman reject him.”

“Um, that’s because he always had sex. He’s never been in a position to be rejected.”

“Yeah, and then along came you.”

“You shouldn’t take Angelo’s threats lightly.” I couldn’t say more. Not without putting my brother at greater risk.

“Well, if we take up Deacon’s offer, we’re about to go into his recording studio. Unless you’ve got a life to go back to, or unless you’re ready to hand back my chain, tell me what to call you.”

“Is that your new tagline?” I giggled. “Tell me what to call you?”

“Well, your body is your choice. Your name, your choice. It’s always been about your choice.”

I thought, about the woman I used to be, and the woman who’d become dirty blonde. “I kind of like being Sydney. I like being free to do and be whoever I want to be without having to please my family or live up to what Angela wanted me to be. I like me when I’m Sydney. I didn’t like or respect Neve.”

“So you respect the woman who’s prepared to live here with the band, being fucked against the pool table, in the bus, anywhere she wants more than—” Xavier’s eyes had me at live here. The rest was icing on my cake.

“Yes, I respect the woman who has the courage to be who she wants, with whom she wants more than the woman who lived in fear of Angelo. Yes. I respect me more when I’m sitting here than I ever did when I was Neve.”

Xavier shook his head, eyes filled with admiration, “It was Neve who had the courage to leave everything behind. It was Neve who had the courage to start again. It was Neve who came to the festival.”

“Yeah, but it was Sydney who had the courage to fall in love with the dark eyes and dirty dreads.” I didn’t mean to say it, but perhaps Xav would let it slide?

“So you say yeah. What do you want?”

“I don’t know. That whole thing with Jax threw me for a loop. He got inside my head and the only reason he did it was because he could.”

“He cares,” Xavier said, with only a hint of jealousy. More, acceptance.

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