Page 72 of Enjoying the Band in Lockdown

“He did it because he thought it could.”

“He was proving a point.”

I remembered back to the beginning, before lockdown changed everything. “Remember that first morning when Devon and I went shopping? Jax was the one being thrown out of a car by some woman who didn’t want a second night. He wasn’t choosing to roll out of that car. It barely stopped before she kicked him out. He was using me to fuel his ego. Prove he could make the puppet dance.”

“You’re not a puppet. Although, I wouldn’t mind tying you up again.”

“Don’t you think we should work out what we are? I promised to stay until the concert but it’s over and my past has blown up all over you.”

“What do you want us to be?” Xavier pulled me close. His heart, my heart. Pounding together against our hands. “Babe? Tell me what you want.”

I’d never heard Xav so honest, raw, unless he was singing.

“I don’t know.” I did but didn’t want to be the one to say it. Xavier still hadn’t forgiven me for Jax, and I didn’t know how to apologize for something that wasn’t my fault. But if Xavier couldn’t get over himself, could we move on?

“I’d like to think that we are just a normal couple. But I’m not a normal guy. I’ve spent my life trying to live up to my brother’s legend status”

“After last night, you blew him out of the water, and he seemed happy for you.”

“I come alive on stage. I come alive when I’m with you, but it’s even better when it’s you, me and the guys.”

“I know.”

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone other than us. It’s not going to last forever. Eventually, Chase will find someone who insists she’s the one and only for the rest of his life.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“Then I hope you can sleep three to the bed because Devon and Chase aren’t gonna let us sleep alone!”

“Can I be honest?”

“I thought we were.”

“When I was up there singing my brother’s song, I was singing it for you. Even the night we met, I was singing it for the woman I hoped I’d meet. Then you turned up, and every fucking night since, I’ve been singing that song for you.”

“I fell in love with you that first night. I’d never heard that song before, but you blew it away.”

“You used the L-word.”

Shit. Even worse, I didn’t want to take it back. Angelo’s visit reminded me how short life could become. If something happened to me, would I regret not having the courage to be honest?

“Yeah, I guess I’m getting a little bit brave like that.” This time, I kissed him. My lips found his and he responded. I caressed his cheek, cupped his face and took a chance. “I fell in love with you, Xav. As rightly as wrongly and as absolutely screwed up as it is. I fell in love with you.”

I waited.

Xavier had kissed me back, but did it mean anything? Or was his body operating on auto-pilot?

“What about the others?” His thumb started rubbing my palm. I wanted to lie, but couldn’t press restart on our relationship based on a lie.

“As crazy as it sounds, I fell in love with them, too. We’re all this crazy family.”

“You’ve got another family.”

“Who gave me to a man when I was sixteen as a punishment.”

“That’s fucked up.” Xavier’s thumb never changed pace. Just a hypnotic circling. Constant amongst my chaos. “Some would say almost as fucked up as sharing you with friends.”

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