Page 25 of Enjoying the Band in Lockdown

Anon: Your family misses you. You can’t do this to them.

Thanks, emotional blackmail used to work a treat. I held my nerve, thankful that I’d become stronger.

Anon: If I find you first, I won’t be as forgiving as if you come back.

Anon: Crawling on your knees.

Anon: Begging for forgiveness.

Anon: If I can find your number, I can find you.

Anon: CU soon.

A week after returning, with text messages piling up, I needed to talk to Xavier, except he’d stopped asking me about my past, instead stressing about the online concert.

I’d wanted to talk to him. About the text messages that were reducing my ability to eat or sleep. About the concert, and some of my ideas to promote the band. Even about the competition, which I needed to feel alive. I needed the competition of five men for my body to remind me that my past wasn’t necessarily my future.

But Xavier refused to engage in anything other than light-hearted flirting or happy happy crap.

“He’s afraid you’ll leave.” Trent admitted when it was obvious Chase didn’t care if things were strained with Xavier, and Devon enjoyed his one-on-one time. Trent. The only guy I hadn’t slept with and the only one who treated me like a kid sister. Fun to tease, but nothing more.

“I’m not leaving.”

“He doesn’t know that. Think about it from his point of view. He’s out on a limb with this concert. It’s his one chance to prove that we’re as good as his brother’s band. If he fucks things up with you and you leave, it’ll send him into a spiral.”

“I’m not gonna leave.”

“I’m not the one you’ve gotta convince.” Trent handed me a coffee. Like I said, brotherly. “Sydney, I hate to say it but you’re good for him. You’re good for all of us.”

“Even you?”

Trent laughed, as he did any time I tried to flirt. Not that I tried it with any serious expectation anymore. “Still undecided.”

“Wanna come down and play pool?” I rolled over the next morning, waking Xavier with kisses that he’d returned with passion only hours ago.

“Enjoy Devon without me.”

“Come on, Xav. It started with the three of us and you haven’t come down in weeks.”

“I’m fine. Go ahead without me.”

“What if I don’t want to be without you? What if I want you, me and Devon in the bus?”

That got his interest. Finally. Another half a dozen texts had come through and I was about to hitch hike to a random town and get another burner phone and new SIM. Leaving, not because of anything Xavier said or did, more about saving him from my personal shitstorm.

I needed to build up a mountain of memories, enough to carry me past lockdown.

Just in case.

“Xav?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not happy. Because you’re just floating along, agreeing with anything I do or say even though I know you don’t.”

“I’m fine.”

“So, come downstairs. Come out to the bus. Let’s do something like we used to. I’m getting cabin fever, and you’ve barely left the restaurant.”

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