Page 34 of Liar
Within five minutes, I had plates down and portions on each of them. I’d cut up the chicken, laying a few pieces on each after giving each plate a good helping of noodles and alfredo sauce. I was no chef, but I really, really hoped this meal came out alright.
Hmm. Maybe I should’ve practiced before the big event…
Ash sat near Declan and Will, Will choosing the seat farthest from me as he could. I sat across from Ash, Travis on my other side. Everyone had plates before them, along with water bottles that made this meal look trashier than I anticipated. Oh, well. I fucking tried, okay? I couldn’t be a master at everything.
The table was silent, everyone either staring at their food or at me. I spoke up, “At least it smells good.” I put spices on the chicken, so it wasn’t just straight-up chicken breast cut into slices.
“It does,” Ash said, her eyes on me. “But now comes the real test.” She stuck her fork in a piece of chicken and lifted it to her mouth, biting off half of it. Almost immediately, she spat it back out.
Shit. That wasn’t good. Food was meant to be swallowed. You know, like other things—
Double shit. Bad time to picture getting head from Ash.
“Did you thaw the chicken before putting it in the oven?” she asked, giving me a sad smile.
“I couldn’t just stick it in the oven?” My response made her laugh, and I let out a sigh, getting up. “Well, looks like I can’t even do dinner right. Sorry I fucked yet another thing up.” Really, I should’ve known all along that this was a waste, a pointless endeavor for us. I’d never be able to impress Ash, never be able to show her just how much she meant to me.
I was Sawyer Salvatore, and I’d known for years that because of my last name, I’d never find my own happiness. Salvatores didn’t get their happy endings.
My chair scraped against the floor as I moved away from the table. “You guys can go, if you want. I knew this was a bad idea from the start, so…sorry for wasting your time.” I said nothing else as I went up the stairs, unbuttoning my shirt as I went.
I wanted to burn it. I wanted to burn it and I wanted…
It didn’t matter what I wanted. It never mattered. It didn’t matter when I was in high school, and it sure didn’t matter now. Things hadn’t changed from Midpark; things had only gotten worse. I’d lost Sabrina, lost my friends. I’d never get them back, not after what I did.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. This was how I felt before, these…dark, depressed feelings were what led me down the road I took before. I couldn’t think like this. I had to focus on Ash—but how could I, when I so clearly demonstrated that I wasn’t good enough for her?
I tried to use her. I fucked her best friend. I pushed her away while drowning myself in pills and alcohol. I ridiculed her and swore at her, told her she was nothing.
How stupid. She wasn’t nothing. Ashley Bonds was the opposite of nothing to me, and that’s why this hurt so bad. Realizing you weren’t good enough for the one person you loved…it cut like a thousand knives, each wound agony.
I made it to my room, moving to sit at the edge of my bed, my shoulders slumping. My shirt, halfway unbuttoned, gave my chest room to breathe. Even though no one else was in the room, I shook my head to myself, wishing that things were different. That I was different. I knew I’d always been full of self-loathing before, self-hatred, but now that I was sober enough to face reality, I realized just how much I hated myself. How much I wished I wasn’t me.
Things would be so much easier if I wasn’t a Salvatore anymore. If I could just move on with my life and forget everything that had happened. Start new, start fresh. Be a new person, a new me. But life wasn’t like that. There was no rewind button, no restarting your life. You only got one, and I’d pissed away the last two years.
Was this just prolonging the inevitable? Was I going to slip up and relapse? Was I going to fuck up again? And this time, when I fucked up, was no one going to be around to save me from myself?
No. It wasn’t their job to stop me, to save me. It wasn’t up to them to keep me from killing myself slowly, and that’s what I was doing before. Killing myself slowly, softly. Drowning out my guilt with anything I could get my hands on. The girls, the booze, the drugs—I’d tried it all while Travis looked on, but now that Travis had Ash to focus on, he wasn’t there to stop me from going too hard, too far.
I literally had no one.
My eyes stared at my hands, my back hunched over. I wouldn’t blame Ash and them for leaving. She could take her Scooby gang and go home, take turns fucking them or whatever it was she did. She could forget all about me and be completely fine; after all, hadn’t she done well for herself after I left? Her ex was gone, she was happy with her three boyfriends, and I…I was just the outsider looking in.
I’d never be a part of their group. I’d never be with Ash. I’d never get what I wanted. But that’s the thing about life: when you had nothing you wanted, there was hardly a point to it. When you couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, what was the point in trying to keep walking when you would be lost forever?
Another sigh left me, and I bent my head down.
I hated myself. Everyone else in the world could loathe me for my mistakes, but they didn’t realize that I already had a weighted conscience, that I already felt like shit for the things I’d done. I failed Sabrina, and I failed Ash. I could do no one proud, not even my parents.
This life of mine was nothing but a cruel joke.
Chapter Thirteen – Ash
When Sawyer got up and stormed upstairs, I watched him go. I supposed I could’ve called out for him, could’ve stopped him, told him it was all right, that I was just teasing him—even though, technically, it wasn’t really teasing if it was true. The chicken was still a bit cold in the center, meaning it wasn’t cooked all the way, meaning it wasn’t thawed enough before he put it into the oven.
But that was okay. Who gave a shit about the chicken?
