Page 7 of Defiant
Okay, a lot more.
Still, I fell, just as everyone else did. I had no choice.
Did I feel awful about it? Sure, but did that change what I did or what I’d do to keep the status quo where it was? No, it didn’t, and it wouldn’t, even with Jaz’s random addition to Midpark High.
Jaz didn’t deserve what I did to her, what happened on Friday. It was cruel. Needlessly cruel. I could’ve simply told her the truth, come clean, but no; Brittany had wanted a show, and so she got one. Parts of it had been videotaped too, so I was certain she planned on using that just in case Jaz ever tried to stand up for herself.
Jaz wasn’t from around here. She didn’t know how vicious Midpark could be, but now, thanks to me and what I did, she would never forget.
As the hours wore on, I hardly spoke. I never raised my hand in class, nor did I really focus. I knew everything I did, I did for a good reason, but…still, doubt nagged at me like a long-lost friend, having suddenly shown up after so long gone. Self-loathing that I usually was able to bury deep inside surfaced, causing me to think back to Friday night.
My head was starting to feel light, like I’d drank too much. It was weird, because I hardly drank at all. I sat on the couch, watching it all happen, a secret part of me wishing I could stop it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t, because she had me wrapped around her finger more so than she had anyone else.
For the last two years, she’d been trying to get to me, and through a cruel twist of fate, she finally had the ammunition to do it. Brittany knew my weakness, and she used it to her advantage like a slimy pro.
I got through the days—and the dates—pretending she was someone else. Tuning her voice out and instead focusing on her appearance. It helped that she was pretty; she had legs that went on for days and long blonde hair that tumbled over her shoulders regardless of how she styled it. Yeah, usually I could focus on her looks while pretending she was someone else on the inside, but lately it’d been difficult.
No, not just difficult. Downright impossible. Impossible because I didn’t want the hand I was given. I wanted more. I wanted someone else.
I wanted Jaz.
That only made what was happening tonight worse, I knew.
She’d hate me after this. She’d think me the worst scumbag to ever walk the earth, believing me to have tricked her on purpose. Maybe it’d be easier that way. That’s what I would try to convince myself of, anyway.
The girls had gone with Brittany to the door, watching as Jaz stumbled out. I couldn’t turn, couldn’t get up and look out of the window in the living room, like some of the guys were doing. I didn’t want to.
God, I was an ass.
I didn’t want to be here. I shouldn’t—
It was after I decided that I didn’t want to be a part of this that I got up. The world swayed around me, which I thought was weird, but I was sure I could shake it off by walking. Hopefully Brittany would let me go, now that it was done. Now that she’d embarrassed Jaz and made me out to be the biggest ass around.
I made it to the front hall, my legs feeling oddly heavy. The girls near the front door dispersed, leaving Brittany to shut the door. Once my girlfriend turned to face me, her amber eyes studied me, a look of annoyance on her face.
Those eyes were lighter than Jaz’s, so much more full of contempt, set in a face that could kill you just as easily as her words could. Brittany was a menace upon everyone she met, and she loved the games she played.
“Where do you think you’re going, Archer?” Her voice dripped venom, and I hated it.
I hated myself, too.
“I’m leaving,” I said, though my words came out sounding slurred. That was definitely weird. I knew I didn’t drink that much… “You got what you wanted, didn’t you?” Plus, Jaz was out there—she had no jacket, no way to get home. What if she stumbled into the woods and got lost? What if she couldn’t find her way home?
Could I live with myself if, come Monday morning, I found out she never returned to the Fitzpatrick’s house? I didn’t know. I also didn’t know how I was supposed to live with myself after this, regardless.
Jaz had become an immediate temptation to me, and I’d given in. Until her, I’d been a decent—if sometimes unwilling—boyfriend to Brittany. I couldn’t say what it was about Jaz that made me so weak, but she did.
The thing was, she didn’t just make me weak. She made me wish things were different, made me want something I hadn’t cared about in a long time: my own happiness.
I didn’t deserve that, not anymore.
“Oh, no,” Brittany spoke, stepping closer to me in her tall heels. She practically rubbed herself against me, saying, “You and I are going upstairs. You still have to make it up to me, you know.” When I said nothing, when I did nothing, she added, “For fucking the new girl when you know you’re mine.”
I looked away, feeling unsteady on my feet. She was right, of course…had to make it up to her. Had to do what Brittany wanted me to do, otherwise…
Brittany’s hand slipped into mine, and she pulled me toward the stairwell, leading me up. Her parents weren’t home, so it didn’t matter which room we went in. In the end, she chose her room, one of the bedrooms on the top floor. She shut the door with her foot, pushing me to the bed, which I fell back on too easily.
God, my head really did hurt.
