Page 14 of Defiant
She moved my textbook, gently closing it and shoving it aside before sitting next to me. “You’re not one to not focus,” Stella muttered, frowning slightly. She didn’t often show emotion on her face, which I think unnerved a lot of people. I didn’t mind it; I was the same way. “Is something wrong?”
“No,” I said, waiting a moment before adding, “maybe. I don’t know.”
That got her full attention. “What’s going on, Vaughn? You’re not acting like yourself.” That was the understatement of the month; I wasn’t acting like myself, and I wasn’t quite feeling like myself, either. It was good to know it wasn’t just in my head, that someone else could notice it, too.
I shook my head. “I feel like it’s…stupid.” Or maybe that was just my self-doubt creeping in, since I’d never felt this way before, so I had nothing to compare it to.
“What is?”
Telling Stella everything that’d been going on lately, with me, with Jaz, it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be seen as asking for help, or for advice. I needed to figure this out on my own, but…if there was anyone in the family who would understand how I felt, it was probably the woman beside me.
I flexed my hands, resting my arms on my knees. “There’s this new girl. She’s…” God, even talking about her, I didn’t know what to say, how to describe her without sounding like a wimp. “I don’t know.”
Stella said nothing, waiting for me to continue. Probably a good thing, because I had no idea what the hell I was trying to say.
“I’ve been thinking about her a lot,” I muttered. “Dreaming of her, even. I…I’ve even kissed her, which is weird—I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone before.” That was not something I would ever admit to anyone else in the family; only Stella. Stella was…different. “I don’t know what to do about her.”
“I’m not an expert on the subject, but it sounds like you like her.”
“I know.” I could not have sounded more unhappy if I tried. Did I want to like her? Did I want to close my eyes and dream of Jaz? No, of course not. Jaz could never fit into the family like Stella did; she wouldn’t want to. She’d investigate us to her heart’s content, possibly try to expose us, and what then? Could I revel in my crush while knowing Markus would never allow her to live if she found out the truth of what we did? I’d be putting her in danger.
It was a long while before Stella said, “And you don’t want to like her? What’s the problem, Vaughn? Are you looking for advice? You know I’m not…good at things like this.”
That much was true. Maybe that’s why I felt comfortable enough to talk about this with her. I knew Stella wouldn’t judge me, like Lincoln definitely would. Hell, or even Travis. All of my brothers would make fun of me for the way I felt; a lot of them tended to think with their dicks.
Me? I was never like that. I never wanted to be like that. I didn’t envy them for being with girls, nor did I want to be like them and always buried between a girl’s legs. I always thought I was…different.
I couldn’t even say what it was about Jaz that made me feel like this. She was beautiful, yes, but so were a lot of girls in Midpark. With money, you could hide any blemish. No, I didn’t think it was her looks, but then…that meant, what, exactly? I was obsessing over the rest of her? I hadn’t even known her that long; I hardly knew her, besides the fact that she was stubborn beyond all belief, liked to get herself into trouble and put herself into situations that could only end badly—see last weekend’s party, for example.
“If you like her,” Stella said, breaking into my thoughts, “it’s not the end of the world. You’re allowed to like someone. Feelings are…you can’t change them, not really. You can pretend they don’t exist, but they still do. My advice, for what little it’s worth, is to go for it. If you like her, tell her. See what she says. She might not even be interested in you.”
Oh, I knew that wasn’t the case.
Or, at least I hoped that wasn’t the case.
With how her body had responded to mine, how her cheeks had flushed at my nearness—how could it be possible she wasn’t interested? Granted, I’d never asked her pointblank, but I didn’t think I had to. It just…it felt right.
“If you know, you know,” Stella said. “It was like that with Lincoln and Edward. It didn’t take me long to come out of my cage for them. If Jaz can be that person for you…” Her thin shoulders went up and down once. “I don’t see why you shouldn’t try.”
I nodded with her words. “You’re probably right.”
“And, if this advice ends up being terrible, don’t hate me for it,” she said, quirking a tiny, miniscule, almost imperceptible smile. “I told you I’m not good at this shit.” Stella stood, setting a hand in my hair and messing it up before walking away, presumably to find wherever Tori had hidden herself.
I watched her go, knowing, deep down, she was right. I couldn’t let my self-doubt fester any longer; I had to do something about it, had to find out what Jaz felt.
And if she didn’t like me? If she’d responded to me like that not because she liked me, but because she simply wanted to get physical, a no strings attached kind of thing? I’d learn to live with it, though I could make no promises as to whether or not I’d stop feeling so protective over her.
Regardless of what happened between Jaz and me, I had to make sure Brittany and Archer paid for what they did to her.
It truly was a good thing to have money in this town. With money, you could do anything, find out anything, even the truths these people wanted to bury ten feet underground.
Chapter Six – Jaz
I didn’t know how to give my mom the money towards the car; she hadn’t even gotten an estimate for the fix yet, so she didn’t know what was wrong with it. Ollie had given her permission to drive one of his cars, since he had more than one, but it was clear Mom didn’t want to. I couldn’t blame her; she probably didn’t trust herself driving a car that cost more than a year’s salary.
Hopefully, by the time she got an estimate, I’d figure out a way to push the money I had towards her. Mail it to her? Slide it under her bedroom door? I didn’t want her going to Ollie with it, thinking the money was from him, but at this point, I couldn’t think of any other options.
Mom really didn’t want me walking to school alone, so she came with me, all bundled up like it was the winter apocalypse. Her blonde hair was tucked into a hat, her green eyes squinted at the wind. Her body wore the thickest coat imaginable, along with gloves that made her hands look like puffy sausages.
