Page 25 of The Queen's Denial

He says nothing as he continues stalking along toward what I assume is the parking garage I used right next to the club. If I wasn’t so angry, the Terminator act would be hot, but as it is right now, it just feels pretentious and judgmental. My anger over this stifling display of casual male arrogance and oppression builds and builds, until it explodes out of me. I rear back suddenly and punch him as hard as I can in the ear.

“Ow! Fuck!” he says, stopping mid-stride and moving me down his body to try and get a tighter grip on me. As soon as I’m in range, I slap him across the face as hard as I can. He doesn’t even flinch. But he does finally talk to me once we’re face to face.

“That was really fucking stupid, Chi.”

“You’re really fucking stupid, Andy.” I almost wince at how petulant I sound. I try to follow it up with a nice, well-rounded threat to show him that I mean business. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You can’t just drag me around, you know. I can tell my men next time that—that you’re not allowed to touch me. I can make rules for how I am to be handled and treated. I could get them to…” I trail off, knowing that I’m not going to do any of this, and knowing that I probably couldn’t actually do it anyway.

“You done yet?” Andy asks coolly.

I might be done trying to threaten him, but I’m far from done. More words explode out of me. “You can’t tell me what to do. You understand me? I already have enough people I have to be perfect for, who I’m obligated to, and you don’t get to be one of them.”

I take in a ragged breath and notice that Andy’s eyes falter from mine, but I’m on a roll. “You have no idea, Andy fucking Scutari. No one wants anything from you except protection and brute man strength. But you can’t even comprehend everything expected of me. All that will be expected of me. And if I want to go to a bar and suck fireballs off some random guy’s hot abs, then so be it.”

I push him and he staggers back. It feels good, so I do it again. He puts up his arms and steps back on his own, as if in surrender, but I don’t stop. “You don’t get to tell me what to do just like the rest of them, do you understand me?”

“Yes! Yes. I understand you, Chi.”

I feel far too sober right now, as I realize what just flooded out of me, and the intense reaction I’ve had to what Andy has just done. Of course, he shouldn’t have handled this situation by embarrassing the hell out of me, grabbing me and forcing me out the door, but he also probably has no idea why I’ve spouted out most of the things I’ve just unloaded onto him.

He has probably done this at least partially out of jealousy, but even knowing that, I realize my anger isn’t only directed at him. In fact, I’m certain it’s coming from somewhere else. But I don’t want to delve into this right now. I never want to delve into this, come to think of it.

I’m sober enough to be embarrassed, but apparently not enough to stop my features from contorting into my very ugly cry face. I try to spin before he sees it, attempting to fix my lips turning down and my eyes filling with tears while I walk away.

He follows, his steps quickening behind me. “There was something wrong earlier! That’s why you did this!”

I laugh mirthlessly. “Yeah, it can’t possibly be because I just want to be a regular girl sometimes and have some fun. It has to be because something is wrong. That’s why I want to let off some steam, drink a little and dance. Maybe I’m just on my period or something, right?”

He catches up to me and spins me around as I try to rein in my emotions. I think I have a good handle on it, so I look back up into his face again. What I see there thaws something inside of me. Instead of the anger and harshness I expect, I see a fervent curiosity.

“Would you just tell me what’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?”

It’s too much. To see him acting this way — wanting to know the real reasons for why I’m upset, why I’ve lashed out at him, why I feel like I’m just a step from falling into quicksand no matter what I do — undoes any resolve my drunken self has to hold in my tears. I stay silent, but they break free of the little dam I’ve put up.

I expect Andy to have no fucking clue what to do with me right now. I’ve just run out to a dark, shady club against his wishes; punched, scratched, and kicked the hell out of him, and now I’m crying. I’m certain he’ll run off and leave me to wallow in my troubles, and that would be just fine. In fact, I’m praying that he will, because I don’t even think I have language right now to talk about how I’m feeling.

But he doesn’t run away. He gently pushes my hair out of my face and swipes a tear with his thumb, engulfing my cheek and chin in one huge hand. Now I can’t even try and hold them back, as I let out a small, silent, shaky sob and more tears leak from my eyes.

“Don’t cry, sweet Chee-chee. It’ll be okay.”

I can’t bear to look at him, so I stare adamantly at the ground. “It doesn’t matter if it will be. Whatever it is, I just have to deal with it. I always just have to deal with it.”

To my eternal surprise, he pulls me into him for a hug. I smell cool citrus and, despite my resolutions to never allow someone to break through my defenses enough to feel comforted by the mere presence of their scent, I realize that is exactly what I’ve done. The comfort of his body surrounding me, fitting me into him effortlessly, appears to be exactly what I need right now.

But I don’t want to be vulnerable. I push away halfheartedly and shake my head. “Yeah, I don’t think so. You’re not getting any after the way you’ve acted tonight.”

His face falls. “I’m not looking to get any, Chi. You feel like shit, and I don’t like it. I’m just trying to do something that might make you feel better.”

I humph, but my drunk-ass self suddenly decides it doesn’t want him to let go of me, no matter the vulnerability it shows. I sniff before stumbling further into him, and his arm comes up tighter to hold me.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he says quietly into my hair.

“If only you were right about that,” I whisper back, shutting my eyes against another wave of tears.

“I’m serious, Chi. I like what I do, but if I didn’t… there are other things for us in this world. Cas would get over it if I had to leave for some reason. We’re just tiny specks in the universe, baby. The world will go on without us if it has to.”

Against all odds, his words have taken part of the two-ton pressure off my shoulders. Some people would hate to hear that they are so unimportant, but for me, it’s a relief. It feels like I can wrap up into his words and disappear. Right now, I don’t want to feel the impending pressure of what my future holds. I just want to feel nothing for a while, instead of working so hard not to feel everything, all the time.

“I can’t believe you’re still here right now,” I mumble out, my voice barely audible, as if it means less when I say it so quietly.

---