Page 81 of Made for You

“I’ll tell you later,” he says. He doesn’t say it in a mean way, but there isn’t much warmth to his tone either.

I reach for his hand and squeeze. He squeezes back, a little too hard, like he’s reproaching my squeeze. This is something new I’ve learned about Josh: when he’s stressed, he withdraws.

The six weeks we’ve had together since filming ended, holed up in his Indianapolis condo in strict secrecy as the show airs, have been good, but not easy. I’ve had to remind myself that the Josh I fell in love with was in a controlled, luxurious environment where every date was planned and every word could be premeditated. Where he was catered to by twenty-four women and an entire team of producers. The Proposal was Josh in a petting zoo. This is Josh in the wild. It’s an adjustment, and while sometimes I do feel like I didn’t know who I was saying yes to in Jamaica, I refuse to see that as a negative. Different, not worse, I’ve told myself dozens of times, because I’m not about to doubt the biggest choice of my life over a few domestic tensions. If I was made for Josh, I was made for this Josh, too. Weirdly, it’s my trust in Andy that has reassured me during some of the lows.

“Okay, you guys are on in ten seconds,” whispers Prisha, urging us slightly forward.

I can see the stage now. Matt, in an oversize club chair, faces the empty love seat where Josh and I will sit. We’ve both seen the list of questions beforehand, but there’s one surprise Josh doesn’t know about.

“Ready, fiancée?” he says with a grin as we’re given the signal, and he suddenly sounds so normal that I tell myself everything is going to be fine.

We walk onstage to furious applause. The lights are bright, somewhat obscuring the people in the studio, who have all leapt to their feet. I wonder if they were prescreened for their views on Synths.

Josh and I both wave, then take our seats. I adjust my short skirt while the applause dies down and Matt makes his opening remarks.

The truth is, I’m having second thoughts about the revelation I’m about to make. Not just because Josh seems a little off tonight, though that’s definitely a factor.

It made sense two days ago, when I took the pregnancy test. Josh was traveling anyway, and I didn’t want to tell him over the phone. The next time we saw each other was going to be here, and I remember thinking how sweet it would be to bring our Proposal experience full circle with this final big reveal.

Now I’m teetering. Is it a cute grand gesture? Or am I crazy to expose this intimate moment to all of America?

I snap out of my head just in time to realize that Matt asked me a question.

“Sorry, I missed that,” I say, blushing immediately and recrossing my legs.

“A little distracted tonight, are we?” he says, charming as always.

“I mean, can you blame me?” I hold up my left hand, where my engagement ring flashes. The audience ooohs. “And this guy is always a distraction.” I lean over and kiss Josh’s cheek, a little rough under my lips, to applause.

“So now that we have your attention, Julia,” says Matt in a cheeky tone, “why don’t you tell us what it’s been like living in secret for the past six weeks while the show aired?”

“It’s been incredible,” I gush. I don’t even allow my conscience to twinge over this slight distortion. I don’t owe my reality to anyone but Josh and myself. “We moved into Josh’s condo in Indianapolis. I’ve been playing house while he gets back into things at work. Camila and I have talked a lot on the phone, she’s become such a close friend, and we’re both lucky to have her in our lives. And I’ve been enjoying the simple things. Cooking dinner, adding those feminine touches to his bachelor pad—it’s so fun.”

“No bumps in the road?” provokes Matt. “No second-guessing? No cold feet?”

“Never second-guessing,” I say passionately. I glance at Josh with what I hope is a loving look before I continue. “To be totally honest, it’s been a little challenging, especially with him traveling so much for work. But he loves his job, and I fully support that, and this is just a weird transitional time, you know? The hardest thing has been keeping it from Josh’s friends and coworkers. We’ve been a little more isolated than we’d like. We’re ready for the next step, of going public with our relationship.”

“And planning a wedding?” says Matt.

“I mean...” I look at Josh.

“This isn’t a shotgun wedding, Matt. We have time,” says Josh. He winks at me. “The most important thing is for us to do it how we want, when we want. Surrounded by people who support us.”

Oh shit. Now I’m feeling sick for more than one reason. I smile hard to mask the queasy twisting in my gut.

“That’s a great perspective,” says Matt. “But c’mon, guys. Surely you’ve talked dates? America just watched your epically romantic proposal. We’re ready for wedding bells. Throw us a bone.”

Josh and I look at each other. I feel the tension between us.

The thing is, we did want a quick wedding. We talked about it the day he proposed. A small wedding in Indy with a few friends. Cam would be my maid of honor, and Josh’s coworker Rick would be his best man. We even debated if we wanted to ask Andy to give me away, or if that was too weird.

Later that evening, we called Josh’s mom from Jamaica. She congratulated us super warmly and promised to get back to us on the two dates we’d suggested for the wedding. Which is why when the show aired and she dropped off the face of the earth, it threw us for such a loop.

In retrospect, she never should have found out I’m a Synth from the show. On the other hand, Josh kept not feeling quite ready.

“We could just drive down to see her. Explain everything in person,” I suggested after the first week of silence. “Isn’t Eauverte just a couple hours away?”

“We can’t just show up like that,” he said, angry like I’d suggested we rob a bank or kill a puppy. “You don’t have a mom. You just don’t get it, Julia.”

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