Page 110 of Snake

“I was angry about my mom. So fuckin’ angry. And sad and scared and just ... just fucked in the head. Shit was churnin’ around inside me like a tornado, throwing my whole life around, and I couldn’t see or think or feel anything but the wind and debris. You got caught up in that storm with me, and I’m fuckin’ sorry, Autumn. Even while I was holdin’ onto you, needing you, I didn’t see what that meant. I just felt ...” The flow of words trickled to a stop, and he wasn’t sure how to finish. “I don’t know. I guess I was trying to dig a hole in the ground and lay down in it, and you were in the way.”

That was all he had. If it wasn’t enough, he wasn’t sure where he’d go next.

Autumn stared at him. Again, he tried to wait her out, let her have all the time she needed.

Finally, with a little coughing noise that might have been a halfhearted chuckle, she murmured, “It’s either grunts or poetry with you.”

She thought his rambling attempt at sense was poetic? Was that a hopeful sign? He didn’t know.

“I guess,” he answered, testing the waters. “Is it enough?”

With two steps, she halved the remaining distance between them. Then she set her hand on the island and pushed it toward him. He took that as an invitation and set his hand on hers, folding his fingers around hers.

“What do you want, Cox?” she asked, echoing the question she’d sent through the intercom. His answer had prompted her to let him in.

He gave her the same answer. “You.”

This time, it was not the password to access.

Instead, she asked, “What does that mean?”

Again, he didn’t try to plan his words in advance. He had the sense that Autumn would take any hesitation as reluctance, so he started talking before he knew what he would say.

“The whole ride here, I tried to see in my head what you’d do or say when I got here. I tried to be ready for whatever you’d throw at me, but I couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I tried to focus and make myself see it, it wouldn’t come. And somewhere along the road, I realized that that’s been my problem my whole damn life. I don’t look forward. I’ve been standing in place, like I got buried when Billy did. Since he died, I’ve been thinking of my mom like she died that day, too, and just forgot to lay down. But it took me all this time to see I did the same damn thing. Just made more noise about it.”

She’d started nodding gently as he’d spoken. Now, when he paused for a breath, she cut in and said, “That seems like an important insight. I’m glad you’ve had it. I hope it helps you deal with everything you’ve lost. But, I’m sorry, I don’t see how that answers the question I asked.”

“I know. I’m workin’ my way to it.”

“Okay.”

“You asked what I wanted. That’s easy: I want you. I never thought I would want somebody like I want you, and if I’m honest, I don’t understand everything I’m feelin’. But I know I want you with me. I want to feel like I feel when I’ve got you, and I want to be able to make you feel like you make me feel.” Getting lost in his own speech, he shook his head. “Fuck. I’m not makin’ sense.”

Shifting his hold to weave their fingers together, Cox drew Autumn closer. She came easily, all the way to him until he could wind his arms around her. “I think the thing I feel with you is happy. Even after my mom died, I think I felt something like happy when I was with you. It was the only time all the shit spinning around inside me settled. I think of it like being able to breathe, but I think it’s really being able to live. I know I’m never gonna be good enough to give you something as powerful as that, but I want to be able to make you happy. I think ... before everything, I think you did feel like that with me. For a minute, before I fucked it all up.”

Unshed tears flooded Autumn’s eyes. “Monumental,” she whispered.

He remembered that: the moment he’d first felt love for her. He hadn’t recognized it then; at the time, all he’d known was the feeling of the plates of his identity shifting. Monumental had been the only word he could find to come anywhere close to the feeling shaking him to his core.

Now he understood that a much smaller word held the full truth: love.

He took the greatest risk and gave life to that truth: “I’m in love with you, Autumn.”

She closed her eyes; a tear escaped through her lashes and slipped down her cheek. Cox bent and put his lips to that salty drop. When she felt her relax into his embrace, he trailed kisses to her ear and whispered again, “I love you, city girl.”

Her hands slipped up over his shoulders, her arms locked around his neck, and she began to climb him.

He had her. Holy fuck, he hadn’t killed it before it could live. She wanted him, too. Still.

Chuckling with relief and love, he lifted her and set her on the island. He cupped her face and leaned back a little. “What do you want?”

He could see her brain working as she gazed at him. He was ready for any answer she gave him. If she said she didn’t want him, he knew how to live in emptiness. He’d leave, ride back to Signal Bend, and finish out his days. But there was a chance that even without Autumn, he might be ready to try to find something worth being around for. The stone inside him had shifted and loosened enough that he could experience love; maybe it wouldn’t seal completely up again, even if he’d blown his chance to be loved like this.

If she said she wanted him, things got murky and complicated; he couldn’t conjure an image of how they’d work. But damn, he’d fight dragons to plot that part of the map.

“I want you,” she said, combing her fingers through his hair, and Cox swallowed down a lump the size of his heart. “There’s a lot of stuff to work out,” she continued, “between us, emotionally, and also practically, logistically. I’ve got big changes happening with work.”

He heard every word, knew they were true and important, but he didn’t care about the obstacles. He wanted her and she wanted him. He would find a way.

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