Page 5 of Trapped: Between Sky And Wind

I walk toward him as if following the fluttering ribbon and he pulls me into his arms. Feeling his firm body against mine, my knees weaken. It feels so good to be held by him. His closeness, his smell, and his body awaken trust and longing, the deep desire to touch him and be touched by him, just like back then under the willow. And yet it is different in the RV than it was earlier in the visitor center. I feel vulnerable, fragile like a glass bird. Bren is my cage but the door is wide open. And I know as long as he leaves it open, I will never ever leave him.

“I love you, Lou, and nothing else,” he whispers in my ear, pushing me back to look at me. For a moment, I think he’s going to kiss me, but for some reason, he seems to know I need his hug more right now. “I want to tell you everything one day. But that day may be far off in the future.”

“Even if it never comes, it’s okay.” I breathe into his sweatshirt until I feel dizzy. Maybe it’s his proximity that triggers the dizziness. I still can’t quite believe we’re together again, it seems like a dream.

He gently strokes my hair and the lonely warbler outside falls silent. At some point, he lets go of me and kicks the wooden paneling at the bottom of the double bed. “Of course I threw the box away,” he says incoherently, but it is the answer to my earlier question. I almost forgot about it. Now it even seems ridiculous that I asked at all. I mean why would he still have it?

“So, what are these skills?” I ask.

“With you, it’s a hug.”

He smiles when I stare at him blankly.

“How are you now?”

I take stock while looking at the bed and then the metal plates. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem as threatening as it did in the beginning. “Better.”

“See.” He nods at me. “A hug is one of your skills. It brings you back to reality when the past takes hold of you. Of course, only I can hold you in my arms like this.”

I tilt my head. “That’s okay, I think!”

“You think?”

I giggle under his mock severity. Well, it’s not an act at all. “So, what are the skills?” I ask quickly.

“Chewing ice, ice-cold water, smelling salts, and chilies.” He looks at me with a straight face.

“I’m lucky that kissing isn’t one of my skills. Imagine you just chewed a chili pepper!”

Now he’s smiling again. “See, Lou, that’s why I love you so much: you make difficult things easy.”

Chapter

Two

Get lost! I’ve got big brothers and I’m not afraid to use them.

The slogan on the T-shirt Liam gave me for my ninth birthday went something like that. He was almost sixteen at the time and a left-handed smoker, which meant he preferred smoking marijuana to cigarettes, but he was adept at hiding it from Ethan. Basically, all of us have always been a little more or less adept at hiding stuff from Ethan—and covering for each other. Liam smoking weed, Jay borrowing books from the bookstore only to smuggle them back two days later, and even Avery kept his three-month liaison with Marie a secret, for whatever reason.

I peer anxiously out the window. We drove only a short distance and are now parked in a lonely pullout along the edge of the forest. Bren took Grey into the woods so he wouldn’t make a ruckus at night. I was going to unpack my bag but I’m still in the passenger seat, staring out the windshield. It’s funny but this is actually the first time I’ve sat next to Bren while he drove. Even on the way to Hudson’s Hope where he released me, I slept in the back of the RV. It feels strange to sit up front but that’s just one of the things that feel funny, a lot seems distorted to me at the moment. Our whole relationship. Well, it’s not a relationship yet. Or is it? In any case, it’s peculiar how the power structure has suddenly shifted. It feels odd to be on equal footing, almost unnatural.

The beeping of my cell phone pulls me out of my musings. It’s not the first time the beep has startled me today, but so far I’ve ignored it.

Have my brothers already read their letters? Is Avy texting me because he wants to reach me personally? What will he say to me running off with my former kidnapper? Or is it Ethan, threatening me with all sorts of things?

But I don’t believe Ethan knows how WhatsApp works. And why and what could he threaten me with? As a big brother, shouldn’t he be wondering why I’ve been claiming for months that I ran away? Especially since it turned our lives upside down. When I think about all the visits by the social workers from the youth welfare office, my guilty conscience kicks in. They suspected Ethan and Avery were mistreating me. I remember how outraged Ethan was by the suspicion. And I just kept silent.

I’m still staring outside. In the night sky, the moon glows brightly, looking like a round floating ghost. All around the RV, tall sequoias rise into the air. In the hazy moonlight, they remind me of giants’ skeletons.

It all seems bizarre to me, but maybe it’s because it feels so unreal. I’m running away with Bren—into an uncertain future that began scaring me today. Back home my brothers are probably sitting together with beers, waiting for me and Jay to return from our supposed trip. Will Liam secretly put mustard in Avery’s beer glass tonight? Sometimes he still does it, as if they were teenagers playing pranks. I think about the hair removal cream in Avery’s shampoo, the toothpaste under the doorknob, and the salt in the sugar bowl.

Despite my discomfort, I smile, roll down the window, and breathe in the resinous air deeply while following my thoughts.

After all, my brothers shouldn’t even be trying to get in touch with me unless they’ve discovered the letters early. However, one of them has to be texting me. Madison and Ava haven’t texted me in a long time. In fact, our contact has gradually faded over the last year since I simply stayed at home and studied. Emma is in Sweden with her family and Elizabeth doesn’t even own a cell phone, a fact as outrageous as her new, cropped, army haircut. And my contact with Emma has also petered out. Somehow, I shut out life over the last few months and was just waiting for June. For Bren.

The cell phone beeps again. It sounds haunting.

I pull it out of my pocket with clumsy hands and glance at the display. I let out a breath of relief: the messages are from Jayden. My other brothers don’t know anything yet and everything is going according to plan. It’s good Jay texted me.

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