Page 55 of Trapped: Between Sky And Wind

Bren gives me a look, and for the first time in days, I can’t read him. He’s closing himself off to me and I don’t know why.

“Bren, say something!”

He sighs deeply.

A vague panic rises in me and I move away from him, pulling the down jacket tighter around me. “You’re not going to do something stupid, are you?” The night air suddenly feels much colder than before. I think about the moment in the RV when he wanted to leave me. Then we’ll see…

“What do you mean by something stupid?” he asks softly.

Of course, he has something planned, and once again, I didn’t notice, like the other day before he stopped at the Seattle Plaza. In my memory, I see myself walking across the parking lot in Hudson’s Hope, blinded by tears, my heart heavy as lead. “You’re going to send me away because you think it’s best for me,” I say, feeling the old sorrow rising—I still feel it.

Bren is silent and stares into the night.

“Bren!” I scream. “Why aren’t you saying anything?” The rattling of the wheels thunders along in time. Another train blows its horn in the distance. “Promise you’ll never leave or send me away. Promise me!”

Tenderly, he strokes my hair and I see him swallow. I could pound my fists against his chest. Suddenly, I know something has come between us, I just don’t know what.

Bren looks at me seriously. “It’s hard for me to make that promise,” he says.

I shake my head in disbelief. “Why? What has changed all of a sudden? Not too long ago, you said you’d have to be crazy to ever let me go. Bren, we never wanted to break up again. I swore I would never leave you. You never wanted to give me up, either!”

“I know.” Bren clenches his hands like he does during the nights when bad dreams haunt him.

Suddenly, another fear surges in me. “Or am I already too much for you? Maybe you’ve noticed how boring life is with me when I choose to stay with you voluntarily?” I stare at him and he flinches as if he’s been electrocuted.

“You must be completely insane to believe that,” he says flatly, his eyes twinkling black. “I’ve simply had time to think about everything calmly, without my feelings interfering. Life here on the train still seems like a grand adventure to you. But what if we end up getting chased by the cops? Or get involved in a shootout? What if something happens to me in the wilderness and I can’t protect you? I don’t want to put you in danger again! I want you to be safe.”

“And that’s why you want to go? We already discussed this.”

“Lou, I never said I wanted to go. I just said you’re a dreamer.”

“You said we couldn’t run forever. What else have you been thinking about? How to secretly sneak away during the night? What are you planning to do? Jump off the train during a foggy, dark night—and I wake up alone in the morning?” I can’t stop the tears from gathering in my eyes.

Bren looks past me into the distance, which passes by like a dreamy blue veil. “Of course not, Lou!”

I don’t believe a word he says and something sticks inside me. “Yes, you are! You wanted to leave me alone!” With a daring leap, I jump onto the railing of the next car, away from Bren. A sharp pain shoots up my ankle. The train jerks in a curve and I stagger but quickly grab the car’s metal frame.

“Lou, wait!”

“No, just leave me alone!” I snap at him. “I thought we were a team. I thought we were equals. But how can we be when you’re making all the decisions?”

“I only said…”

“I don’t give a damn what you said,” I yell at him. “Sky and wind!” My heart aches. He wants to leave me alone now! Like last year, he just wants to send me away. He wants to do what he has to do, as always!

Mindlessly, I pull myself up the metal frame of the car, climb onto the roof of the train, and start moving.

“Get down from there, Lou!” Bren yells up at me angrily, and when I turn around, he’s on his feet.

“No!” I walk on, step by step, arms outstretched.

“Lou, this is life-threatening! You don’t know when the next tunnel will come!”

“It’s a full moon, I can see far enough!”

“You really believe that!”

The wind slaps my face, its sharpness bringing new tears to my eyes. Bren can’t just leave. I couldn’t bear to lose him. Not after everything we’ve experienced and been through. Not after putting my hands on his in the tunnel.

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