Page 40 of Pieces of Us

‘But he was also too young to understand the magnitude of his feelings and the situation he found himself in. He didn’t know the depths of his consequences, and he certainly wasn’t capable of finding a resolution that would ever fix what he fucked.’

‘And now?’ My hackles rise because I can see his logic.

‘He lost you seven years ago, honey.’ His tone is gentler. ‘You made it very clear you wanted to erase him from your life. He might be all grown with a career, but he’s stunted from losing you. He doesn’t think he’s worthy of a second chance at your love—or any love again, for that matter—so he sticks to what he knows. Her. He probably hates himself for it, but at least he’s familiar with it. He’s hollow. I can’t explain it as articulately as I’d like, but when he lost you, he lost a part of himself. Take it from me. He isn’t in love with her. It’s a temporary escape to feel something. Anything.’

My lips wobble as I fight this constrictive feeling in my chest at his truths.

‘Her aside. What’s he like now?’

He looks around the room, contemplating how to answer that.

‘He’s still like a son to me, even if I do give him a harder time now and treat him more like an adult. Like a man. He’s kind, funny, smart and loyal. He went off the rails with what he did to you, but he never got off track with who he is it at the core, what he wants out of life. He’s completely closed off to the idea of being happy or moving on from you, and I think you always have been the reason why they never worked. He couldn’t give his heart to her because it belongs to you.’

I nod, resting my head on his shoulder.

‘Could you ever see…’ Mum prompts.

‘No.’ I’m firm, pausing because that would be a lie. I have thought about it. About what a life would look like in the future if he was in mine. ‘I don’t know,’ I amend. ‘So much has happened. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m still letting him trigger me. I know he doesn’t know that, but the past still does. I vomited straight after our chat.’

‘But that isn’t tied to your disorder anymore. Your body had a physical reaction to him giving up on you all those years ago. Anyone would feel sick if the guy they loved had hurt them the way he did,’ Mum reminds me.

‘But he was the reason I spiralled back then.’

‘No, honey. He wasn’t. Remember, you spiralled because of your own issues with your weight and the associated bullying. Lincoln never, ever gave you any reason to believe he thought those things about you, or ever compared you to her. Speak it through with your therapist. Lincoln knows nothing about your health issues. He has no idea that, in your mind, he is a trigger.’

I’m so ashamed.

She’s right.

I’ve blamed him for my downfall but the fact is that he never gave me a reason to believe he thought or said those things about me.

My weight issues have always been my issues. Not his.

‘I’ll set up a session.’ It’s a meek admission that I know she’s right about it all.

‘A lot has happened between you two, and even more in the past seven years. You’ve gone in different directions in life, but that doesn’t mean that both roads can’t lead home.’ Dad kisses the top of my head.

‘I just don’t know him anymore. I don’t know if I can trust him or get over the betrayal I feel when I look at him. I don’t want to derail again.’

‘Putting it all aside—and I don’t want details—but is there still an attraction there?’ Dad groans.

I blush, remembering his hands on me—even if they were rough or trying to get me to look at him.

‘It’s still there,’ I confess.

‘Even with Jagger in the picture?!’ Mum can’t believe I’ve friend-zoned someone like him. Hell, I can’t believe I friend-zoned a guy like him. Hot. Successful. Fun. Faithful. A great fuck. I must be insane.

‘Jagger doesn’t even compare,’ I answer truthfully. ‘I’m not sure what to do with Lincoln or any residual feelings. I don’t know if it’s just leftover attraction, sentimental memories and feelings just resurfacing, or if it’s my soul recognising his again.’

Dad ruminates, petting my hair. ‘Do you want to find out?’

‘He wants to talk more. I was feeling too emotional to carry on.’

Both wait patiently for me to get the last of my thoughts out.

‘I think I need to talk to him again. To see if what we had—or, at the very least, our friendship—is worth resurrecting. Some part of me has been misplaced or vanished since we ended. I hate to admit it, but what if he’s the only one who can find it?’

Chapter 19

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