Page 67 of Pieces of Us

Adjusting the straps to sit properly on my shoulders, I turn to look at myself from all angles in the mirror. I’m over-scrutinising myself, but I’m sure I’ve gained a few kilos while I’ve been slacking off. The creeping thoughts invade my mind like a hovering black cloud.

‘But you and Jag are just friends?’ Ella confirms, trying to keep up.

‘Yeah, with benefits here and there,’ Lily snorts. I kick my dress and it hits her in the face.

‘No!’ Ella gasps.

‘Lil. You’re the worst.’

‘Hey, now.’ She tosses my dress on the ground.

‘We’ve…benefited in the past. No feelings. Just letting off some physical steam. He’s one of my best friends, but I’m not in love with him. We both know where we stand,’ I reiterate to both of them.

Our arrangement has always remained relatively private. Lily and Rome are the only two we divulged what we were doing to. We haven’t had that sort of relationship in about six months, but at one stage, we were hot and heavy. It’s a hell of a lot safer than hooking up with randoms, and at least I knew the sex was good. It has always been a very casual arrangement that’s worked for both of us.

Do I think he’ll screw the daylights out of me down under? If that’s what I want, then sure, but I don’t think I want to now that I’ve fucked Lincoln. That’s way more drama than I need right now.

‘You live the fucking life, Amity. You live the fucking life,’ Ella all but swoons, looking dreamily at me as if she’s picturing Jagger and I.

‘Oh, yeah. The perfect life,’ I scoff. ‘Want to trade?’

‘Not a chance. I have my own dramas, girlfriend.’ I wonder what they are, but I don’t pry because I’m in my selfish era, fretting over the inevitable calamity that is Lincoln and Jagger meeting.

‘Linc doesn’t know about Jagger, and even if he did, you’ve done nothing wrong,’ Lily points out. I do the jiggle test by jumping up and down on the spot. Sometimes, my interviews can get a little rowdy, so I have to make sure I don’t pop out.

‘Exactly, but why do I feel so guilty?’ I’ve never felt bad for fucking Jag, and now I feel dirty or like I’ve done something wrong by Linc, which is ludicrous.

‘Because you have feelings for him, honey.’ Lily hugs me around the waist before travelling her hands up to my chest. ‘You have the best tits.’ She cups and squeezes them, making Ella squeal.

I rear-end her to back off, laughing.

‘So was the sex good with Linc?’ Ella loops back around.

‘Out of this world hot. I…guys. Words don’t even justify. He was not like that when we were in high school.’ I flush, feeling myself tingle below. Lowering my voice as if it’s so salacious, I get off my chest what I’ve really been thinking about. ‘He was so demanding, and creative, and-and…dominant. He actually said he wished he could give me a hand necklace and choke me, and I swear, my soul was ready to be sold to the devil to make that happen. It wasn’t just regular sex. Regular sex is fun and satisfying…this was something else.’

Lily and Ella give each other a look and burst out laughing. Both sandwiching me, they rest their heads on each of my shoulders.

‘Nothing better than a man who takes control,’ Ella winks while Lily bites her lip, agreeing.

‘Are you hoes done talking about my brother’s dick?’ Jas shouts from outside the dressing room. We all burst out laughing, inviting her into the room.

After they leave, I still have a few more stops to make. To welcome Jagger to Australia, I want to put together a care package for him with things like lamingtons, Tim Tams, Milo, Vegemite, crocodile jerky, Furry Friends, Allens red frogs, Cheezels and Shapes.

Most of it I find in Woolies. I meander to the chips aisle to get the Shapes. Tapping my fingers against my chin as I survey the flavours, I wonder which one he’ll like more. If it was me, he’d get only barbecue, but I think he’ll enjoy chicken as well.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see another shopper beelining down the aisle towards me. Stopping a few feet away, I’m desperately praying it isn’t someone I know. I groan as the shopping trolley inches towards me. I move out of the way, assuming I am standing in front of the product they’re looking at.

‘It baffles me that Lincoln can’t let you go.’ Surprised and shocked at her abrasiveness, I turn towards the sound of Billie’s fake Kim Kardashian voice. She glares at me, her pretty features contorting. She’s manufactured beauty, but a beauty nonetheless. It’s a shame her heart is so ugly.

Quietly studying her, I notice she has the same pinched look on her face that she’s had ever since I’ve known her. It’s as if she’s constipated.

Realising just how unhappy she is with herself and her life dulls my own heartbreak and the jealousy I’ve had when I’ve thought about her over the years.

Seeing her makes me sad. It makes me sad that someone can hold such contempt for another woman who hasn’t given her any reason to. But I don’t feel sad that she and Lincoln aren’t together, and I don’t feel sad that she lost a baby. I feel nothing towards her.

I’m exhausted by her pettiness, immaturity, drama and need to stay relevant, so with that, I turn back to the shelves and inspect the Shapes once again. It doesn’t take a genius to feel how outraged she is by my blatant dismissal.

If her hoity toity snort of derision doesn’t give her away, it’s her clomping feet and balled fists that do it.

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