Page 79 of Pieces of Us

‘When you got with my brother,’ Jas interrupts perceptively.

‘Yeah. He seemed to like my body.’ Like? Is she flipping mad? I was obsessed with her body. Every piece of it, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. Even thinking about it now makes me semi-hard.

‘I’m sure you don’t need me to go into the details, but I always insisted on trying to cover up when we were…intimate. I couldn’t let go of what he’d think, seeing my double chin from a certain angle, or if he counted the rolls on my belly. Was he looking at the dimples in my ass or the way I jiggled and wobbled? The stretch marks were the worst. In my head, I didn’t know if he thought my body had blown out so much that I had stressed it to a point where it couldn’t balloon anymore.’

Shit.

‘Did he ever make you feel that way?’ This is my sister asking, not the journalist.

‘Of course not, but as a teenager, how do you trust that?’’

‘Why couldn’t you trust his opinion of your body?’

‘Because of his friends.’

Each sentence verbalised is creating a picture in my head that makes less and less sense. Bowing my head, I force myself to listen on.

‘Relentless whispers and bullying were going on behind my back. I never told Lily or Linc. I refused to open up that can of worms, trying to convince myself that those perceptions of me weren’t tied to my self worth, but I shrunk into myself more and more. I thought these things about my body, so of course, everyone else did too. A fact is a fact. It’s hard to dispute a notion if it’s true. I also saw how people looked at Linc and me. Walking down the street, girls from other schools would stare, confused why someone like Linc would hold hands with a fatty like me. Then, in PE, every time the teachers needed students to demonstrate something, they would pull Lincoln away from me and pair him with Billie. At restaurants, even the waiters would repeat my order to make sure I wanted an entree or dessert like it was a sin for me to want something sweet. It was in their glances, too. They would eye me up and down as if to say, “Are you sure?”’ She sighs at all the subtle instances that made her feel small.

‘What sort of whispers were going on behind your back? Can you recall any taunts or words?’

‘I was passing the guys’ locker rooms one day and I heard some of Lincoln’s friends wonder if he needed a crane to lift me, or if he could hold me against the wall and fuck me. Then, some of the girls wondered how many horse tranquilisers it would take to knock me out. They kept saying they had no idea why Linc was with someone like me. Even girls in the group would make snide comments about skipping meals and so on. There were more, but we’ll get to them later. It certainly exacerbated when I returned. I guess a catalyst was when Lincoln’s eyes used to linger on Billie, but also girls like her. When a girl would pass by with a short skirt, he’d stare for a second or two longer than maybe what was appropriate, and he’d always try to get me to wear tighter clothes. Then there was the porn he watched.’ Jas belches at the mention.

‘Let me guess, all anorexic hags with fake tits?’

‘They didn’t look like me, that’s for sure.’

I’m sure I’m having a heart attack. My heart is racing so fast at her misconceptions and insecurities. I can’t speak on behalf of the bullies, but she has it dead wrong when she says I used to stare at Billie. We were friends, and by that point, we’d had sex, so I was always on edge that she’d slip up and say something. When I looked at those girls wearing a little less than a belt, yeah, I stared, because I couldn’t believe their parents would let them out of the house like that. And as for wanting Amity to wear tighter clothes, it was only because I was obsessed with her curves. The porn thing is ludicrous. Did she even see beyond their bodies? They all had her raven hair and jade eyes. There were no blondes, brunettes or redheads to be seen.

What she is saying makes me feel sick.

‘Tell me about the straw that broke the camel's back. When did your obsession with taking weight loss drugs and starving yourself start? When did the vomiting start? When did the excessive exercise begin? Was it the depression that caused this? Who drove you to want to kill yourself?’

The thumping in my chest is excruciating. I’m not a crier. It takes a lot to break me, but my body’s physical response is to go into shock, and I suddenly find myself swiping away lines of water, coming out thick and fast. I need to remain silent, but it’s difficult when both my girls are sobbing.

‘Don’t cry for me.’

‘Just tell me.’ Jas is inconsolable, much like I am. ‘Did my brother do this to you?’

‘Yes.’

I hang my head in heavy shame.

‘How?’ Jas’ voice cracks.

‘Isn’t it obvious?’

Silence.

‘She was everything I’m not. Walking in on them with his hands all over her. Inside her. The passion and lust in his eyes. He never once looked at me that way. He was so openly affectionate with her. So obsessed, his hands all over her…then he chose her. Even when I came back. I was here…and he still chose her. Did you know that he gave his first kiss to her? His virginity? His first kid? He was with her on and off for seven years, most of them serious. Every fear was confirmation that I was always just the filler girl. Never quite what he wanted, but settled with, whether it was to not rock the boat with our dads, or just to be nice because he didn’t know how to be mean. I was always the other woman, never good enough for him. God, the way he touched her. Doted on her. Was all over her. How in-my-face they were. It felt like I was being shot in the heart every day. Coupled with the relentless, pitying stares, rumours and bullying, I knew I needed to change everything I was.’

Her muffled sniffles become excruciating whimpers. Daring to peek, I see streak marks down both their cheeks. Amity closes her eyes to block out the torment.

‘Joel, your brother’s bestie, was particularly brutal. He was basically cheering that we weren’t together anymore. He didn’t have to hide his taunts. He said them to my face in passing, mocked my clothes, ridiculed my food, insulted my looks, teased my flab, scoffed when I passed him. He was bad. Billie and her “six chicks” were worse. A week or two after I walked in on him finger fucking her in front of the whole town, they were official, and she came into the bathroom I was hiding in. I was injecting by then.’

What the fuck?

‘We’ll come back to this part.’ Jas jots down something in her notes before blowing her nose into a tissue.

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