Page 81 of Pieces of Us

‘The free alcohol and drugs.’

‘Did you do any that night?’

‘Not what you’re thinking. I was distracted, to say the least, but I had to plaster on a smile and make everyone believe the bubbly Amity was there from Bras and Stars. I barely spoke that night, and even if I did, I’m sure it would have come out slurred with the amount of gin I drank. I saw Jag was there, but still, he never approached. He just stared. When someone tried to shove sushi down my throat, my inebriated brain remembered I had a few weight loss pills and needles in my bag. The doctors in LA are shady fucks, and whatever I asked for, I was prescribed. Wanting to not feel anymore—to not be alive—I tore my way through the party and found an empty bathroom. I remember ripping the pill packet open, swallowing however many, and then injecting myself with even more weight loss needles. I woke up in the hospital with Jag by my bedside and Mum and Dad there. All of them were beside themselves with grief. My dad the most.’

Somehow, both Dad and I have transformed into fucking fountains. Looking at him, I silently ask when this was. ‘I remember that impromptu visit,’ he mouths. ‘He was never quite the same when he came back.’

‘I won’t lie and say I wish it worked at that moment. It took months and months of rehab, and years after that to truly understand that it wasn’t what I wanted that night. Jag, this virtual stranger, became my lifeline. My saviour. The person I needed to get me through. I know what you’re thinking.’ She shoots a pointed look at my sister. ‘I have never been in love with him. I love him. He’s one of my soulmates, but I’ve never had those feelings for him. I know it’s hard to understand, but he’s my solace. That’s why it’s so easy to be physical with him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain Jagger’s presence in my life without sounding crazy, but it’s nothing compared to the feelings I have for your brother. Even if those feelings could obliterate me. Did obliterate me. I told Jagger everything, and not once did he lash out at your brother. He was simply there for my health and safety.’

‘Tell me more about rehab and your road to recovery.’ Jas changes the topic, satisfied with Jagger’s presence in Amity’s life.

‘It was painful. Tedious. Eye opening. Life changing. I hated the first couple of months. I was in denial. The grief stages of when you lose someone certainly apply to rehab as well, but with a lot of therapy, I was able to understand how I got to where I was. I unlearned everything I ever thought about myself, unheard everything anyone ever said about me and worked on making myself healthy. The amount of coping mechanisms I have in my armoury to get through certain triggers would make you laugh. I’ve accepted this is a lifelong illness I live with, but it isn’t debilitating. Sure, I’ve fucked up a few times, like when I first spoke to your brother at the office. Straight after our talk, I went and vomited, but I had an emergency session with my therapist and we put some strategies in place to avoid him triggering me.’

‘So Linc is your trigger?’

‘The biggest.’ She nods her head.

‘So that’s it. You’ll never get back with him again because he could drive you to kill yourself?’ Amity shakes her head adamantly but my heart still sinks, realising that I am the one who sets her off the most.

‘He holds so much power over me. He’s so much of who I am. I’m basically saying I’m my own trigger. I also know it wasn’t and isn’t fair to blame your brother for my downfall. I am responsible for my own actions.’ She’s only saying that to lessen Jas’ panic.

‘What else?’

‘I don’t think I’ll ever be healed, but I feel in control. I have worked out how to stay healthy—hence the tea line—and I like working out just as much as relaxing. I still obsess over my food, but mainly because I want it to fuel my body and maintain how hard I’ve fought for it. I almost killed myself to get it. I saw your brother eyeing me eating my salad without the dressing the other day, but truthfully, I have a kick-ass dietician who gets me ready for filming season and I’ve slacked off heaps here, so when I remember, I try to stick to it. I swear, I am in a good place. I have learned a lot about myself and the industry, and even more so about how crippling social media, bullying, pop culture and the like can be to young women. I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I thought losing your brother was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, but crawling back from hell and death was infinitely harder.’

Dad’s anguish is evident on his face. I should know. I have the same look on mine.

‘Who else knows?’

‘My team, obviously. I have some great friends and people around me back home. They keep me grounded and know the signs if I’m spiralling. Lily and Rome know most of what I went through, but not to the extent you do. They know I went to rehab for depression, which is why I think they hate your brother so much. They inadvertently linked him to that. I don’t want their pity or their worry, and I knew they would have mountains of both if they knew the entire story. They’d even blame themselves because really, all these changes began way back in high school, if not earlier.’

‘Aunt Crystal and Uncle Mark know, obviously. I don’t know how they kept it from us.’ Jas doesn’t sound bitter, just baffled.

‘Like I said, I love Mum, but I’m a daddy’s girl through and through. Mum has been supportive, not smothering, but she’s also been absent. She trusts me to make the right decisions, which has always been her way of parenting. She was crushed and blamed herself for taking me away in the first place, but then she realised what happened to me was inevitable because of the industry we’re in. She’s seen this once or twice before. Plus, I think she’s immune to the severity of it because everyone in Hollywood ends up in rehab.’ I’m disappointed in Aunt Crystal, if that’s how she’s approached the situation.

I peek in and see a frown marring Amity’s face. ‘Dad.’ Her voice is grim. ‘He was shattered. He stayed for a month or more with me. I think he told your dad he was just going on a holiday because he couldn’t bear to look at your brother. He knew if he came back too soon, things would be said. Things that couldn’t be taken back that would irrevocably damage our families forever. I didn’t want Dad to lose Uncle Jacob. They’re each other’s soulmates, and I knew Dad would do or say something that would change that. He also didn’t want that. Dad has been amazing. We’ve had intense therapy together because he was convinced he should have known something was wrong. I do not blame my dad one bit for my decisions. He has been and always will be my idol. It’s taken some time, but I think he’s easing up on how protective he is over me. He trusts Jag with his life, so he knew I was safe with him, and I think he knows that as much as he wishes he could hold my hand throughout life, he has to let me walk alone.’

‘Why didn’t you trust us?’

An empathetic glance is given to Jas, Amity’s arm going around her shoulder.

‘Sweetheart, you were like, ten or eleven. There’s no way you could comprehend something like that. And I worship the ground your dad walks on. I know he would have felt an exaggerated amount of guilt for what his son did to me, for not noticing something was wrong. For having to choose his son over me, even if he knew Lincoln was in the wrong. There’s no way I could put that on him. I love your dad like I love my own. I also knew he’d have resentment towards Lincoln, despite being here for him because that’s what dads do. I didn’t want to put him in that compromising position. He deserves more than to pay for the sins of his son. He’s also had immense grief in his life, losing your mum. Can you imagine the trauma my nearly dying would cause him? He deserves nothing but happiness and love in his life. I vowed I wouldn’t be the one to take anything else away from him, and that included my dad and their friendship. At first, I felt so sick, hiding this part of me, but once I got a handle on things, it became easier to fall back into the easy relationship we’ve always had. I kept myself away from him and you long enough, so I was happy when both of you accepted me back into your lives and our weekly calls resumed.’

‘What about Linc?’

‘What about him?’

‘What are you going to tell him?’

‘An abridged version. He doesn’t need to be saddled with this. I’m not his responsibility, but if we are to ever move forward in any capacity, I don’t want to hide this from him, either. I am who I am today because of him. Because of Jagger. Because of me. Because of them. Because of every little thing that led me to this version of myself.’

‘I hate him and what he did to you.’ Jas breaks down, further creating a schism in my heart.

‘No.’ Amity rarely bellows, but when she does, it’s like a goddess coming down to earth to smyth all humans. ‘Don’t you dare. My weakness is not his burden to carry. Yes, he amplified the situation, but he did not do this to me. I did this to myself. He just happened to be the boy who God made me for, but he wasn’t ready for me. It could have easily been any other guy who led me down this path. He is not to blame. I know I used to think he was, but I am. No one else. You brother did nothing wrong except choose that whore over me, and even then, he might not think it was a mistake. He made some fucked up decisions in my eyes, but he did not force-feed me weight loss drugs. He did not stick his fingers down my throat or stick needles in me. He did not physically stop me from eating. Jas, you need to understand that. I know you’re young, but I believe you’re mature beyond your years. Don’t let my selfishness taint how amazing your brother is. He has been the best son and brother to you and your dad. He’s never failed you. Only me.’

I’m trying to think of all the ways one guy can be tortured, but none of them compare to the skewering Amity’s words do to me. Choking up, I clasp my hands to my throat to prevent them from hearing me. Dad rubs circles in my back, knowing that despite her words, I will blame myself for the rest of my life.

I think I’ve heard enough. So has Dad. Together, we creep back down the hall and out the back. Sinking down on our grass, we lay there silently, digesting everything we’ve just heard.

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