Page 85 of Pieces of Us

That’s fair. I can’t deny that. ‘I know. I’m sorry. Even if it’s worth nothing to you, I am sorry. I should have been more open about how I was struggling.’

‘Hart.’ I hear the pain in his voice because he’s taking it out on my hands, the way he is squeezing. I try to squeeze back, encouraging him to let out his thoughts.

‘Is it true that you wanted to die?’

I force a lump down my throat at the candid question.

‘Yes.’

‘Because of me?’

‘Yes.’

This is the moment that breaks him. Tears soak his cheeks as he rests his head in my lap. It’s too unbearable for me, but right now, this is about him, and I need to remember that I’ve had years to work through my issues.

‘I’ll never forgive myself.’

Stroking his hair, I give him the solace he needs.

‘You can and you will, Linc, because I’ve already forgiven you. But most of all, I’ve forgiven myself,’ I soothe, basking in his silky strands between my fingers. His head is heavy on my lap, no doubt just like his heart.

‘You almost killed yourself because of me. Because you loved me. Because you couldn’t bear to live if I was with someone else. I’m a monster. I broke you.’ The distress is palpable. I can feel it eating him alive.

‘I’m better now,’ I promise.

‘How?’ he shouts. ‘You said you’re still triggered by me, that you always will be. Even your visit here…you said you vomited right after seeing me. You don’t eat. I won’t let you kill yourself by loving or being with me again.’ There’s an adamant defiance in his voice as he lifts his head.

He’s already decided that there will be no us because he can’t risk the chance of breaking me again.

‘Linc. Stop,’ I scold his runaway thoughts. ‘You’re not making this choice for us. You don’t get to set me free because you think that’s the right or easy thing to do. You stay and you fight for us if you love me. You choose to be the best thing for me, not the worst. If you want me, we will find a way to make it work.’

There. I’ve laid out all my cards on the table. Without stumbling over my words, I’m proud I was able to verbalise what I want.

‘I hate myself.’

I snort. ‘I hate myself.’

‘I feel tortured, knowing how deep you spiralled.’

‘Yet, here I am.’ I sink into the lounge, feeling exhaustion overtake my body.

‘Are you in love with Jagger?’ The question is so left field, I burst out laughing, which makes him clench his jaw and place his fists on his lap. I bite my lip when I see how serious he is.

‘No.’ I’m firm.

‘But you love him. You said he was a soulmate or some shit.’ The words are bitter from his mouth. Jealousy consumes him. I won’t lie about who Jagger is to me.

‘I won’t rehash what you overheard. I love Jagger. He saved me when no one else did. He is a soulmate…but you’re my soul.’ I still don’t know what that means, but I don’t want things to be left unsaid anymore. ‘What he gave me filled a void while you were missing. He was the caretaker of my body, heart and mind while I figured myself out and fixed what was broken.’

‘Did you sleep with him last week?’

I shake my head slowly, reminding myself to be completely honest. ‘We had a goodbye kiss.’

‘Did he see you naked?’

‘Only my chest.’ I shrug. If my near nudeness will be an issue for him, then that’s something we’ll have to wade through together. It’s practically my brand.

‘It looked like you weren’t wearing bottoms.’ His accusatory tone is valid, so I let it slide.

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