Page 66 of When I Fall In Love

“Let me.”

Kyle has me safe and sound back in San Francisco, but I’m still not sure why I left with him. Why I drove my car behind his all the way to Burlington Airport like a sheep just following the herd. I’ve had six long hours to fret over everything that’s happened: leaving abruptly, leaving Hunter hanging, not going to see Bill. Not living up to the promise I made to Sasha.

Our messages just showed me that I’d been impulsive and probably stupid, but in the moment, Kyle had drilled into me what I’ve always feared most.

It’s not about me—it’s about the farm. Once it became clear that I’ve been played or used, whichever way you want to look at it what with the secrecy around Hunter’s rental… It is dubious—why didn’t he just tell me? Now all I can think of is that whatever happens with Hunter, with us, it will always be tinged with the nagging doubt that he was in it for his business. As if I was just another transaction, like a whore. You’ll never be good enough for Hunter Logan. Those words in that woman’s shrill voice still ring in my head when I least need it.

Right now, I’m more knotted up than I was before leaving for Ashleigh Lake. At that point, it was only Mom’s death and the sudden inheritance that had been eating at me for months, spiraling my thoughts down to Ashleigh Lake and our past. Now, I’ve been back in Ashleigh Lake, back with Hunter, and it’s as if I’ve been ripped away from him again, afresh, a new wound over the old, bleeding cut.

“What was the interesting offer you messaged me about on Friday?” I ask. I’ll probably not see Kyle again soon so best I use this time with him wisely. We didn’t sit next to each other on the plane, though that’s hardly the place to talk shop in any case.

“Brenda sent a brochure to ski resort corporates. One of them already showed some interest. They asked for more information.”

“I see.”

“Anything to get the best price and make this happen quickly.”

We get into a cab and I give the driver my address.

After a moment I rake my courage together and poke the bear. “What if we sell it as a going concern? I mean—”

Kyle snorts. “Have you looked at the finances? Of running that place? It’s not making a killing and just the running costs—constant vet bills for one—are enough to give me hives.”

“You’re not running it.”

“And I’m not planning to.”

I lean back against the headrest and close my eyes. The farm has been running smoothly for over six years, since Mom inherited it from Old Collingwood. We know now she never went back to Vermont, never checked in on the property. Yes, after six years there’s a small profit that’s accumulated which is a nice nest egg, but it’s not enough to ever make Kyle change his mind. I haven’t looked at the Collingwood Farm’s finances beyond a cursory glance when we first had access to the information months ago. So far, all the money the farm has been making, for what it’s worth, has been held in trust with the rest of the cash until we sell and can split it all cleanly and evenly. There’ll be some taxes involved too, payouts for the farmhands and Simon and his family.

My stomach contracts. Where I was all relaxed and basically halfway into a sex coma earlier this weekend, now I’m as tightly strung up as a bug in a spider’s web.

Kyle reaches for my hand to still me where I’m working my thumbnail along the life-line in my palm again. “Brenda will let us know once the Beaumont team has reviewed their offer, and if something else comes up in the interim, maybe we just sign that and get this over and done with. I know it sounds like it’s only about the money for me, but I need to put the past in the past once and for all, Beth.”

I glance at him. This is the first time he’s given me a peek into his own feelings about what had happened with us all those years ago. I never knew Lady Collingwood’s outburst, and the way she’d trashed us, had affected Kyle this much. He is younger than me, but still—no boy on the brink of manhood could watch that happen to his mom and sister and not carry some repercussions with him. Kyle took such swift action and made decisions so quickly today. It’s slowly sinking in that by hauling me back to San Francisco, some part of that young boy who could only watch on as his mom and sister got trashed finally feels vindicated.

“Okay.” Maybe. I squeeze his hand and hold on to him for a moment longer. “Now that I’ve met Brenda I’d like to be more involved. Please send me all the paperwork she sends you. I want to fully be in the loop.”

“Sure.” He removes his hand and wipes at his face. “What’re your plans for this week?”

Oh joy. “I’ll go back to work first thing in the morning. I have the day booked off, but we have a hearing scheduled for Friday and Jana needs me to compile some documents they requested—”

“See? She can’t function without you, Beth. You’re her right hand, and once you become partner you’ll be set for life.”

So he keeps on saying, but I’m no longer sure I want to be set for life as Jana’s right hand. Or be partner at a large law firm working eighty hours a week with a salary that makes me able to buy Collingwood Farm twice over in five years’ time.

What if I already miss Hunter and Ashleigh Lake and won’t be able to stand being back in my lonely apartment day in and day out, regretting every decision I’ve made over the past ten years?

I have no real purpose. Nothing at work makes me feel human and as if I contribute to something bigger that’s actually worth it. I have a life, but I’m not living it.

Maybe this week was the glimpse I needed into my past, to really understand the future I want.

34

HUNTER

It’s been four days since Bill was admitted to the hospital. Tomorrow is the big day. His bypass surgery was scheduled for as soon as possible; not exactly an emergency, but urgent all the same.

I haven’t been back at work. I’ve mostly functioned from my laptop at the hospital and taking calls in my car on the long drive to and from Montpelier. I’ve been doing the bare minimum between milking twice a day with Raiden and Ethan. We’ve all stepped in, brothers in a different kind of arms.

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